Mundane parenting issues and PD power struggles

[sevenyears]

How do you avoid power struggles with your PD?

Here's a recent example. UNOCPDEXH and I need to send one form to DS8 school. I offer EXH to fill it out and ask him for information. He responds that I should send mine to him. I write no thank you, and my offer to him still stands. His response is to escalate, make false accusations against me, and "offer" to "discuss" this when I transfer the children to him. I calmly respond that my offer stands, he can take it or leave it, and that I don't want to discuss this in front of the kids since we are already arguing about this. When I transfer the children, he starts to discuss this in front of them. I say I disagree with him and don't want to talk about it in front of the children.  This happens EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I. offer. to. take. care. of. something.

Our mediator says just let him do it. Well, often I do. But, occasionally, I want to be involved and responsible for my children's upbringing. And, in the case of an eventual trial, will a judge consider who is doing what for our DS? In other words, if I'm not filling out school forms, filling prescriptions, making doctor appointments, etc. would a judge consider me to be uninvolved or less involved than PD?  Other than agreeing that he do everything, is there any other way to avoid this pointless and childish power struggles?

[Penny Lane]

Forms are a huge issue for us as well.

DH used to let BM fill out all the forms because she would throw such a fit if he ever did it. However, she invariably leaves his contact information off . And that causes problems that snowball into bigger problems. His info isn't listed on the school form, so the school calls her when the kids need to come home sick (even though it's his day), she sends her parents to pick up the kids and DH doesn't find out for HOURS that the her parents are babysitting the kids during his parenting time. Or, the doctor's office won't release information to him EVEN THOUGH HE MADE THE APPOINTMENT because she got there first, filled out the form and left off his information.

I think you are right to insist on filling out forms, at least important ones. This might not be feasible for you now, while you're in court and trying to show that you can work together (even though obviously he can't work together). But I would say just do it, you don't need his permission to fill out a form. It's trickier if you need information from him. Can you just fill it out with as much information as you have and then ask him to supplement directly with the school? Or maybe you can each fill out the form for your separate house? Overall, for most routine forms you should have enough of his information (I mean normally it's just phone number and address, right?) that you can just go ahead and do it for the most part, and just send him an FYI after.

I don't think the judge is going to care so much about who's filling out prescriptions as long as you're taking an active participatory role in doctors decisions and other stuff. This is him needing control, not about him being a better parent. So let him do prescriptions and make appointments - just make sure you're going to appointments. We found that every time DH missed an appointment (2-3 times ever), BM did something terrible like pulling the kid out of a treatment plan. So now he goes to every appointment even if it's routine.

I suspect, though, that once court is over he'll lose interest in this. BM certainly considered this sort of thing her domain, but she slowly stopped doing this sort of thing and we hit a real turning point where she dragged her feet on a making a specialist appointment that the kid needed ASAP, so finally DH just did it. Now DH handles everything, often including picking up prescriptions for her house.

Of course she used to a huge tantrum any time DH fills out any form or sets any appointment. But slowly she's gotten used to the idea that he, too, is a parent with equal decision making power who is allowed to make doctors appointments for the kids. She doesn't like it but she knows that she doesn't really have a lot of room to complain. We do have an occasional flare up - like in the last year she sent a long nasty email to an organization because she wanted her name listed before his - but they've settled into a much more reasonable routine around making appointments.

So basically, I would say, in the short term: keep pretending to work with him, let him do everything if he insists but make sure the record reflects that you're an active participant and you're not just assuming he'll take care of stuff. Once this is over, you can start just doing it, filling out forms and making appointments. You won't need his permission. It will get easier, I promise!

[Associate of Daniel]

Sorry, PennyLane.  I've only skimmed your reply and just have to jump in.

I'm glad it's starting to work for you.

My problem is that I'm not being informed about medical appointments that ds attends. I'm lucky if I ever hear anything about them afterwards too. And often he attends them with his uNPD smum. No sign of my uNPD ex, ds's father.

And she does all the form filling.

This has been going on for nearly 8 years, despite court orders.

Seven Years, if your children live with you during every school week I'd just fill out and file the forms at the school yourself.  But that's based on my experience of uNPD exH deciding to vacate any input or responsibility re Ds's schooling, including refusing to contribute  any fees.

If the school needs more info from him perhaps they can chase it up.

If you ever find a way to avoid the pointless and childish power struggles, do let us know!

A lot of it comes down to radical acceptance.

AOD