When you're late

[11JB68]

I read something online about bpd and fear of abandonment in which getting upset/angry/rageful etc when a loved one is even a few minutes late might be a symptom...
Uocpdh definitely exhibits this.
Thoughts?

[SparkStillLit]

H does this thing where he says some rather vague time -or sometimes not vague- that he wants to do something, but he is never ready at that time. Everyone else is, but as everyone waits on him, they begin to drift about and do other little things. Suddenly he will appear, and fly into a rage that everyone isn't ready to troop out the door that red hot minute. This happens EVERY TIME. It's like he expects everyone to get ready, and then go into stasis at the door for whenever he's ready to go.
It's really bizarre. And I'm not sure it's the same thing, because it's HIM who's late.

[Bowsy26]

Lots of people have a fear of abandonment (myself included).  NPDh has used being late as a punishment or attention tool over the years.  In our early years together, I would get upset about it.  I asked him to please leave a note if he decided to go out somewhere while I was gone so I didn't return to an empty house with no way of knowing where he was or when he would be back.  Just a little note saying "I'll be back at 9" would have been enough.  This never happened and over the years I would cry, yell at him and beg him to please leave me a note.  Yes, it was painful for me.  But as I learned about my own fear of abandonment and it's source, it became less important to know when someone would be back.  It has been at least 20 years since it really mattered to me although H has never changed and still wouldn't leave a note or send a text. 

I think for a BPD, the intensity of the fear of abandonment never changes (or perhaps becomes worse) because people with a PD have an extremely difficult time changing.  There intense fear of abandonment stays just as painful today as it was 10 years ago and will be 10 years from now.  JMHO.

[Call Me Cordelia]

My uPD father did exactly what SparkStillLit describes. Except my uPD mother would have us all waiting in the car buckled up. Then the king would waltz in and take us out to dinner, driving around aimlessly until he spied a restaurant that struck his fancy.

My mother's side of the family was obsessed with punctuality. To them you were late if you weren't ten minutes early. Perfect fit for my father, because to him making him wait ever was a sign of DISRESPECT and intolerable.

When we would visit them we started giving them an ETA of about half an hour after we actually thought we would arrive, just to stem the anxiety of, "I thought something had happened to you!!!" Then when we started arriving ahead of the ETA it was always, "You made good time!  I hope you weren't speeding..."

[tragedy or hope]

I'm with Bowsy,
But I am still trying to grow out of it. Mainly because I realize with an unpdh I am not really loved anyway. Most of the focus has been on him and his life I just did not see it.

I am a whole person without him, I just need to get busy practicing that. yes, the MIA tactic is meant to get me out of balance, to be thinking of him when he is not here. undph's thrive on attention, even at a distance.

Once I got a handle on this, I am now trying to get him to run errands etc. so I can be alone and he can get feed from someone else. I feel kind of bad for the people I am sending him off to... they will be used. I hope some have the sense to see it.

He interrupts strangers in conversation all the time when he is out, even with me, well especially with me... he likes to highlight his ability to manipulate and persuade when I am there.  Remember N's have a target person in their lives that is the main focus.

So I walk away, or not go with... when I walk away he will prolong and prolong the hostage type conversation until I get back then act as if he was closing with a thought much more intense than I would understand.

Abandonment in all kinds of ways is what they use to control. Do I like being controlled? I have to ask myself when i get in an abandonment tizzy.
Don't worry. He will be back. You are his main focus, what he lives to abandon.
What I don't like is the unpdh smugness afterward. his "I got cha!" the cat who ate the canary grin and attitude. shessh!

[PeanutButter]

My ubpd/spdM modeled this when I was growing up.

She would start watching the clock before it was time for my dad to be home.

Then any lateness was met with crying, yelling, and even hitting sometimes. Her reasoning she said was that she was scared he had wrecked and was laying in a ditch somewhere.

This was a regular occurence.

Fast forward to the beginning of my relationship with my unpdxH (then bf we were 15) and I thought this is what you do.

It thankfully didnt take me long to understand that his being 5 minutes late or even 30 minutes late did NOT mean he had died. 

[clara]

For a brief while I lived with a likely NPD bf and while being late, on time, early etc. were foreign concepts to him (since he liked to create his own rules about how he could live) he would become livid if I was late because he'd claim he was "so worried."  Once, when he was waiting for me to come home from work (he lost his job and couldn't be bothered to find another) he was "waiting" while taking a bath and when I came home after stopping briefly at a store I discovered water all over the living room floor.  He said  he'd had to get out of the tub every time a car came by thinking it was me (why?) and it was rude and awful of me not to let him know I was going to be late etc. etc. and then, when I stared at him and asked, what? he immediately pivoted and denied it--something he'd just said!  Even tho I knew nothing of PDs at the time, I regarded such behavior as just another way he was trying to control me.  He wanted me to stock to a schedule, while he did what he wanted when he wanted, and if I deviated in any way I was to let him know. 

I'd gone through something similar with my uNPDexh so was familiar with the game and a few months later told him he needed to move out. 

[p123]

Oh Dad all the time....

Want to know what time I'll be there so I now lie and add 60 mins... I've tried saying but Dad does it matter you're not going anywhere.

If I'm 5 mins late I get where have you been? I've been waiting.
I've got kids to deal with, 20 mile drive, traffic etc.

He then follows this with "I've been worried, I thought something had happened to you". Jeez its just like being smothered.....
Im 52 years old and can look after myself....

[blacksheep7]

My NF was also obsessed by punctuality when M babysat my kids once in a while, I could not be 15 mins late, he would blow up followed by the lecture.     
Not that they were going anywhere.  I think he saw it  as a lack of respect, taking advantage of them.  I know it's ridiculous.
I don't blow up or reprimand  my dd or ds are a few minutes late because I am babysitting my gkids.

I think it is common courtesy to advice whoever if you are to be more than 30 minutes late which is an acceptable social etiquette.  I'm not talking about a professional appointment.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Makes sense when they are obsessed with respect and also are very transactional. They would be the ones craftily being a few minutes late on purpose thinking they were getting one over on you!

[blunk]

I remember a lot of this with my BPDxh. He had an extreme fear of abandonment, coupled with the "I hate you, don't leave me dynamic", which made it a self-fulfilling prophecy. In his case, if I was even a little late I was either assumed to be lying in a ditch somewhere, or having sex with every man I'd ever met.

There was one time when I was driving home from work in a snowstorm, so bad that I couldn't see the lane divisions on the highway. I called him before I left work to say that the incoming shift reported the roads were really bad, so I was going to take my time. I think I maxed out at around 30 mph the whole trip. My normal commute was about 40 minutes and this took almost 2 hours. He kept calling while I was driving, starting from 10 minutes into my drive...this was the days before hands-free cell phones. I explained that it was really bad, and that I was taking my time. He had to have called at least 4 times, I knew better than to not answer the phone. I finally explained that it was really dangerous driving, and I did not feel safe being on the phone, I needed to pay attention. When I got home I got screamed at because I just didn't want to talk to him, and he was just worried about me.

I know this is sort of an extreme example, but there were plenty of others. I went to the gym, and on the way home realized that I needed gas. My regular gas station was about 2 blocks past the house and it was supposed to rain the next morning, so I decided to stop. It put me 5-10 minutes late getting home from the gym. I was called every name in the book, and accused of cheating on him. I asked, in 10 minutes? He then said he didn't believe I was at the gym. I told him he was free to go there and check my in-swipe. His answer was that I am good with computers and probably know how to fake that.

Completely crazy making because....how do you prove what you didn't do???

[PeanutButter]

I think all these example are evidence of dealing with a controlling person. I know my ubpd/spdM was very controlling.

[11JB68]

 

[p123]

I ALWAYS get "dont be late"

I find it rude and disrespectful. I'm going out of my way for you, don't add stupid conditions....

[PeanutButter]

I ALWAYS get "dont be late"

I find it rude and disrespectful. I'm going out of my way for you, don't add stupid conditions....

Righ! At what point did me doing a favor for you turn into you barking orders and I should salute?