The End

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Psuedonym

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The End
« on: May 30, 2020, 01:37:50 PM »
Like Woman Interrupted's Ray, I thought my mother (aka Negatron) would out live us all. Even though she was 90, I thought the stress of dealing with that situation would do me in first. Well yestrerday morning I got a call from the hospitial. H had talked to her on Wed. and she said she was going in for some tests. She said she wasn't feeling well but that was normal, and there was no dramatic "i'm dying you must drop everything" routine. Then we heard nothing until the hospital call yesterday morning. The doctor said they had an old phone number of mine and hadn't been able to reach me. Apparently she came in, was put on low oxygen, ran tests, and then she took a dramatic turn for the worse. By the time they called me two doctors had agreed to take her off machines as it was against her DNR. She was basically in a coma and that wouldn't make it through the day. We stayed away from the hospital due to Covid, and at 2pm they called back to say that she had died. The hospital was extremely nice: they said we had made the right decision to not go down there and increase risk for everybody, and that someone was with her the whole time even though she was unconscious.

And that's it. As I said, I'm extremely shocked, but also relieved. As H said, despite her constant complaints, to be 90 and be in pretty decent health and then not feel well for a few days and then boom, you're gone, thats a pretty decent way to go out. The doctors ran two Covid tests, btw, and said they were both negative, but it still sounds suspiciously like a lot of the cases around here.

My extended family, mostly cousins, have been very supportive thankfully. I talked to one yesterday who said she make the rounds calling them in order to bad mouth me and claim she'd never do anything wrong and they'd not argue with her because they knew it was utterly pointless but not believe any of it either. My H always said that she would hang on to her alternate view of reality and boy did she.

I will say what I'm feeling most is a profound sense of peace. Today is almost 3 years to the day since I went across the country to pack up their house when my dad was sick and help them move, and that was a pretty hellish three years. I think the guilt that's been constantly hanging over my head has lifted, and I'm now free. I do feel somewhat sad, but its more like the sadness you feel when you move away from a place you've lived for a long time.

You all have been such a tremendous help here and I wanted to let you know. I don't think I shared any words of wisdom here but if I think of any, i'll add them.

 :bighug: to everybody

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GettingOOTF

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Re: The End
« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2020, 02:42:07 PM »
Hugs to you.

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Psuedonym

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Re: The End
« Reply #2 on: May 30, 2020, 03:26:11 PM »
Thanks, GOOTF.

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Amadahy

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Re: The End
« Reply #3 on: May 30, 2020, 04:34:27 PM »
Wow, Pseudonym.  We grow used to such theatrics that to leave this earth with nary a whimper is quite unexpected.  I am very thankful you feel relieved and at peace.  Hugs and blessings.  :hug:
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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Blueberry Pancakes

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Re: The End
« Reply #4 on: May 30, 2020, 08:52:37 PM »
Condolences to you Psuedonym. Upon reading your post, I am most relieved that you have peace.
 
I think all of your words are quite wise. Thank you for sharing. Hugs to you.     

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Adrianna

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Re: The End
« Reply #5 on: May 30, 2020, 11:10:12 PM »
90 is a very long life for sure. Wishing you peace in the coming days. Wishing her peace as well since you know she and many pd folks donít seem to be able to find peace on this earth while alive. Maybe now she can find it.
Practice an attitude of gratitude.

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Psuedonym

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Re: The End
« Reply #6 on: May 31, 2020, 12:43:37 AM »
Thank you, Blueberry Pankcakes and Adrianna. :)

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: The End
« Reply #7 on: May 31, 2020, 02:54:47 AM »
I'm glad you're finally free.  :)

I don't know about you, but the things I found the most surprising were the lack of drama and how anti-climactic everything seemed. 

Ray died - and now back to your regular programming.  :phoot:

I'd dismantled Ray's funeral back when he first went into AL - it was really elaborate and for nobody but Ray, who wouldn't even really be there to enjoy it. 

It was a good thing I did, between Covid and nobody bothering to tell me Ray's surviving brother and sister died within the past year or so.  :roll:

So, there was no  funeral - and if you want to not have one, or have as minimal a funeral as possible, that's fine.   :yes:

If your mom didn't plan for anything and doesn't have an estate to pay for a funeral - which would leave YOU stuck with the bill, unless she's got life insurance you can borrow against - it's okay to donate her body to science or ask the nursing home to look into a pauper's funeral.  :thumbup:

If I were in your shoes,  since you've got a nice FOO  who seem supportive, I'd  have a Zoom "wake" or get-together, or plan something when the weather is nicer and you can all be in the same room, sharing what you learned about baking during quarantine.  8-)

However YOU want to handle things from here on out is up to you - and will probably be as low-key as the news of your mom's passing.

 :hug:

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moglow

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Re: The End
« Reply #8 on: May 31, 2020, 01:12:30 PM »
Quote
I will say what I'm feeling most is a profound sense of peace. Today is almost 3 years to the day since I went across the country to pack up their house when my dad was sick and help them move, and that was a pretty hellish three years. I think the guilt that's been constantly hanging over my head has lifted, and I'm now free. I do feel somewhat sad, but its more like the sadness you feel when you move away from a place you've lived for a long time.
My sincere condolences for all you went through to get to this place. I'm sorry it took so long and for her passing to find it. Be good to yourself and take care as you move through the aftershocks that may arise.
:hug: moglow
ďNothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.Ē  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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PeanutButter

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Re: The End
« Reply #9 on: May 31, 2020, 01:48:09 PM »
 Im sorry for your loss. Wishing you calmness, peace, and love to be the prevailing spirit with which you experience all you do.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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practical

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Re: The End
« Reply #10 on: May 31, 2020, 04:58:22 PM »
I'm sorry for your loss, the loss of ever having a chance of her being a mother to you.

The place of peace of you have reached sounds wonderful, you reached it due to your own hard work.

Take care of yourself :bighug:
ďIf Iím not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Iím only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?Ē (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: The End
« Reply #11 on: May 31, 2020, 07:24:31 PM »
Wow. What everyone else said. Iím glad itís gone more or less peacefully for you so far, and Iím glad to hear of your extended familyís kindness.

The thing where we all feel certain the PD will outlive us all. I felt sure my uPD grandmother would live to be 100. (She made it to 93.) My uNPDF I often feel similarly. Itís almost amazing that these people who seemed almost godlike to the tiny helpless children we once were are really just as vulnerable to death as any other human being. Thank you for sharing, it helped me connect that that feeling is probably leftover from a childhood under uNFís power. He only has the power I give him now. And your motherís reign is over too. Peace. :hug:

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doglady

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Re: The End
« Reply #12 on: May 31, 2020, 07:45:06 PM »
Sounds as if she was herself to the last with her Ďdoing the rounds.í
Glad to hear her death was not prolonged or too awful for you, Pseudonym.
You deserve peace, happiness, relief and all the good things.

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: The End
« Reply #13 on: May 31, 2020, 10:23:39 PM »
I'm glad you're feeling peace Psuedonym. It really does seem that they'll live forever then reading about Negatron and Ray gives me hope.

You've been a big help to me and I'm sure to others as well. Thinking of you and I hope you won't be a stranger around here.  :hug: :grouphug:

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nanotech

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Re: The End
« Reply #14 on: June 01, 2020, 05:35:48 PM »
Hugs sweetheart onwards and upwards now. xxxxxxxxx

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Psuedonym

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Re: The End
« Reply #15 on: June 01, 2020, 05:37:54 PM »
Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement! You're all wonderful. It was strange that when I heard the news one of the first things I thought was that I had to let you all know. Even though I've never met any of you, I feel like we all know each other and you understand the situation better than anyone else could.  :hug:


WomanInterrupted, I still find it so strange that she and Ray passed so close to each other. I didn't know if you'd see this. Thankfully, none of my family, including my mother and my extended family are big on funerals. Maybe it's because we aren't religious, I don't know. She is going to be cremated and probably some time this summer H and I will take a trip up north with her and my dad's ashes (which I still have) to a family property on the water and scatter them there.

Also, somewhat luckily, we can't even go into the apartment to clean it out for now. The state restrictions are such that they won't allow movers in. We won't get billed for anything and everything will just sit until the restrictions are lifted.

I think maybe we think of them as immortal and expect them to outlive us because we've never experienced living in a world without them. Since Friday, I can say I'm much more at peace. I used to get tense every time H's phone would ring, and even though I had her number blocked, I always had my ringer off and would never answer an unknown number. For the first time in a long time I've been able to turn the ringer on and not have it bother me.

I will absolutely continue to spend time on this site. You have all been such a wonderful source of comfort to me and maybe I can help someone a little in the future. You know I love sharing links so I will continue to that probably forever. Ha.

 :bighug: to everyone.



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practical

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Re: The End
« Reply #16 on: June 04, 2020, 11:29:58 PM »
I think maybe we think of them as immortal and expect them to outlive us because we've never experienced living in a world without them. Since Friday, I can say I'm much more at peace.
Thank you for that thought and the perspective.
ďIf Iím not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Iím only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?Ē (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Ariel

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Re: The End
« Reply #17 on: June 06, 2020, 02:46:28 AM »
So sorry but Iím glad you have peace

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Boat Babe

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Re: The End
« Reply #18 on: June 06, 2020, 07:31:42 AM »
Hey P, sending much love to you.

Don't be surprised if you get a few mixed emotions thrown in with the relief. Be compassionate with yourself if you do.

Stay on the forum, won't you 😁❤️

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Psuedonym

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Re: The End
« Reply #19 on: June 06, 2020, 02:31:39 PM »
Hi practical, Ariel, and Boat Babe!

Thanks so much for your kind words. I will absolutely stay on the forum. I find it so helpful to read everybody else's stories here.

I have to say that, a week out, the only emotions I have been feeling are positive. Jerry Wise talks quite a bit about systems feelings and the family mythology, in which you are sort of indoctrinated both into a particular view of the world and your own role in the family. I think that when you grow up with a PD who's alternately trying to make you fix them or drag you into the pit with them, its like swimming in the ocean pulling a 20lb anchor. Just managing to keep your head above water is a feat in itself. And then one day the anchor is gone and everything is just so...easy. No more dread about what's going to happen next or sense of impending doom. No more fighting off feelings of guilt that weren't even mine to begin with. Most of all I think it was that belief that she was going to live forever and that she'd outlive me, that the stress would kill me and she'd still be around is just...*poof!* gone. In the past few years it seemed like whatever the worst  possible outcome was, that's what happened. My worst fear in memory was that she would outlive my dad, so that happened. After that it was that I'd be stuck dealing with her by myself because there's no family around and I'm an only child, so that happened. I moved her stuff three separate times. She got kicked out of her independent living apartment. She threw a weeks long fit when she went to rehab after she broke her arm. Etc, etc. The final one was that she would live an extremely long time. She was 90 when she died but I've read stories here of grandparents being 98+ and still kicking. And now I just feel peaceful. All of that stress is just gone, and I feel like life's on easy mode now. I'm not going to lie, it's actually  been pretty great.