Guilt trip by a five year old

[Adrianna]

So this just happened.

Was sitting outside at my grandmothers house. Reminder she's in the nursing home. I've been living here remodeling it in my spare time. She has a retired couple across the street, no doubt flying monkeys, who have helped my grandmother plenty through the years.

Always defended her selfish behavior.
Always said that's just how people get when they are old.
Always gave me this underlying feeling that I wasn't doing enough for my grandmother.
Would never consider her behavior abusive.
Felt guilty if they couldn't live up to her unreasonable demands.

Backstory the woman was likely raised by a narcissist, so she saw my grandmother's behavior as normal. Grew up with it. He was manipulative and selfish, yet she fed him dinner every night. She is someone who would put her own life on hold to the point of being abused and taken for granted and would thinks that's the way EVERYONE should be.

I always sensed that she and her husband both disapproved of my unwillingness )which was really inability) to properly serve and cater to my grandmother. Not only did I have my grandmother's verbal accusations that I didn't do enough, I had this gut wrenching feeling from these neighbors that she was right, I didn't do enough. I should be more selfless like them. They think I'm selfish and should be over there more catering to her because she's old.

Well got confirmation today.

Their great grandson who's like 5 started chatting and said

"Oh you're her granddaughter? My papa used to help her a lot because you didn't do enough for her. You weren't over here very often."

So yeah, obviously I'm seen as awful.

Flying monkeys.

At least I got confirmation of what they really think of me which I knew all along.

Too bad people normalize abuse and in so doing, encourage it by making the victim feel like it's their fault. If I had tried to live up to their standards of what a good granddaughter should do, I probably would be in jail, dead or in a mental institution from literally killing myself to please someone who can never be pleased. That someone can't recognize when another person is suffering abuse is the sad consequence of generational narcissism. It's normal to them. You suck it up and do what they want.

Sick.

[Starboard Song]

I've seen it.

We have a young child who is in touch with my in-laws, and he's accidentally shared their worldview with us.

You've gotten a window into their world.

[nanotech]

Well whatever they 'think' ( and who cares because what do they know?), they should NOT bitch in front of their child. Wow, a rather smug and  self-righteous pair I think. Dear me.
Your grandmother's waifdom has appealed to that 'rescuing' side of their nature. There are some people who carry out charitable acts in order just to feel good about themselves, and to act superior to others.
Yuk.

[GettingOOTF]

This is such a great example of how these things are inter generational and why it's so hard to break the cycle.

[Free2Bme]

Sad when people can't allow for a perspective/experience different than their own.

I would have been tempted to tell the little boy that your grandmother has spiders for pets and eats little children for breakfast.   
Let him go and report that back to the neighbors.

[Adrianna]

Well whatever they 'think' ( and who cares because what do they know?), they should NOT bitch in front of their child. Wow, a rather smug and  self-righteous pair I think. Dear me.
Your grandmother's waifdom has appealed to that 'rescuing' side of their nature. There are some people who carry out charitable acts in order just to feel good about themselves, and to act superior to others.
Yuk.

Yes that pretty much sums it up, self righteous. Couldn't find the words in my head but there they are.

They always had so much compassion and sympathy for my grandmother and none for me, even when she had me in tears, which they witnessed.  My grandmother has another flying monkey right now who was visiting her in nursing home (before shutdown). He is an extended family member, retired priest, who barely interacted with her. Now that she's in a nursing home feeding him her garbage about how awful I am, he has not reached out to me even once. I am quite certain he too thinks I am awful. Well I think it's pretty awful when people don't recognize or care of the destruction these narcissists cause. Enablers of abuse. I talked to another family member and surprise, this retired priest is likely narcissistic. He's getting great narcissistic fuel by visiting and enabling her, such a hero. Of course I don't know what's in his heart, the possibility is always there that he truly cares.  However if he truly cared wouldn't he reach out to me, her primary helper/servant for the last 20 years, to get the full story? He even went so far as to call our local church where we both belong and bitch them out for not visiting her in the nursing home. Little did he know that my grandmother, who complained that no one from church cared, would often turn them away with harsh words when they visited and not even let them in the house. It's not unheard of  though for people with narc tendencies to join the clergy, using the church as a means to get attention and show off their brilliance. I am a faithful member of my local church and I'm not saying they are all like that. They aren't. Most are wonderful and truly do it to serve God and their fellow humans. However the lure of having an entire congregation at your attention is a pretty strong magnet for someone who is narcissistic.

Seems like they are everywhere.

I wonder what percentage of the population are narcissistic? Feels like an awful lot. I see it on tv news and in my personal life, see it playing out in the world and at home.  Those with full blown npd are still the minority but the culture of narcissism is among us. Hard not to be triggered when it appears to be everywhere.

[SunnyMeadow]

I think you're right, they are everywhere.

The reoccurring theme that people need to help them is so common, isn't it? Help them or you are seen as an awful person. First of all, I think people should mind their own business when it comes to other people's families. Second, why can't people think a little deeper? As in ... maybe there's a reason no one wants to help.

Because I have a uNPD parent, I definitely don't take people at face value now. No more "oh what a sweet old lady". My uNPD mother seems like a sweet old lady but she's vengeful and malicious.

That comment from the 5 year old would be hurtful to me too Adrianna. It must've been a shock and I'm sorry that happened to you.

[Sun]

I am so sad for you. I remember you posting when you were still more enmeshed and struggling to get away. I'm so proud of you for succeeding! Please don't let the child's comments derail you x