When hes gone - will I even be sad?

[p123]

Thinking about this a lot.....
Seeing WIs Ray finally going and what I thought was a great attitude to have.

Used to get on great with Dad but he was always a bit of a PITA. Last 5-10 years hes treated me awfully. Not just me my family and everyone else. Theres just no need for it. He constantly moaned and groaned, played tricks on me and pretty much has had no consideration for anyone else.

The amount of grief I've had I feel I've already grieved for him the last few years. I've not missed him AT ALL the last few months during lockdown. AT ALL. In fact, I dread having to phone him - hes been able to try things on over the phone. I'm dreading going back to see him. I'd rather not if I'm honest.

All I can think of is when he does go, please let it be quick and not drawn out. He was awful a few weeks because he had hayfever - I can imagine if he gets terminal cancer.

Will I even be sad when he goes? I don;t know if I will. Will everyone look at me at the funeral and expect me to be devastated? That worries me.

[PeanutButter]

Of course it really doesnt matter what others expect you to do at your dad's funeral. Thats there stuff. Not yours.

[p123]

Of course it really doesnt matter what others expect you to do at your dad's funeral. Thats there stuff. Not yours.

Yeh I know. I think maybe I'd feel bad about myself not being upset if you know what I mean?
You hear people saying the usual "you'll be sorry when they're gone". I won't if I'm honest.

Thought what WI did was excellent though with Ray. Wish I could do that....

[PeanutButter]

Very true. I have heard that so many times! In fact I think I feel quite rebellious against it.
You probably will not be sad enough for those that buy into society's 'standards'.
If im honest I thought a little about it recently too. I dont want to be sad when my parents pass. I know I will a little. Just because it is so final. Though I really have no hope of anything changing. I am greiving them right now like you.
I guess the worry would be imo that if I wasn't sad enough at the funeral that it would prove that I realy wasnt a good daughter just like ubpd/spdM said. That does suck.

[blacksheep7]

Yeh I know. I think maybe I'd feel bad about myself not being upset if you know what I mean?
You hear people saying the usual "you'll be sorry when they're gone". I won't if I'm honest.

To others we  may appear heartless but they haven't walked in our shoes.   They are your honest thoughts, made from your experiences.

Pd parents are exhausting with their frustrations, insecurities  and demands that increase as they age making us their dumping ground, expecting us to soothe their every worry with a magic wand.     IMPOSSIBLE

No person can feel good or sad about someone who has abused them (in any form), especially from a parent no matter what age.
We are still their Adult child and should be treated as one.......we wish.

[Adria]

I understand about grieving for years and years before they pass.  It's like they really died a long time ago, so a physical death doesn't seem to hit as hard as we are programmed to think it should.  I guess if anything, we most likely grieve what we wished we had with them all along, but never received.  I don't put on a show at a funeral for anybody. It is what it is. If others don't understand at the funeral why you are not emotionally distraught, they probably never will.  They can make all the judgments they want, but we know the truth.

Nobody ever told me when my mom died. So, I didn't get to go to the funeral.  Yet, I heard later, the snarky remarks about what a heartless uncaring person I was to not even go to my own mother's funeral.

I am so sorry you are struggling with this. Sometimes, it doesn't matter what happens or what we try to do to make things right, we just plain can't win and, somehow, always get blamed for why things are the way they are.  Hang in there. Stay true to yourself. That's all you can do. Hugs, Adria

[nanotech]

I don't think I'll be all that sad. But I'm not worried by that.
As Adria says, I've already done my grieving.   
I may feel sad at having missed out on a better relationship- yes. But it will pass.

If I'm troooly honest I might even feel a bit heel-clicky that I won't have to ever again see my UNPDSIS and UNPDbro. 

Better still, they  will no longer be able to triangulate and gaslight me through dad. 

[Blueberry Pancakes]

I wonder about this too. Right now, my parents have health issues but nothing terminal. They could perhaps keep chugging along for several years. Sometimes it seems like they'll never be gone from this planet. I  cannot imagine grieving like you would traditionally grieve a parent. You make a good statement about feeling guilt for not actually having guilt. If anything, that pretty much describes my feelings. I think when we get to this point of awareness with our parent, we have already accepted that loss.   

[nanotech]

I don't have guilt for not feeling guilt about dad.
But when I think about my mum? Mum was UNBPD I think.  The things she said and did weren't always the best.
BUT then she would all of a sudden do a  complete turnaround and be very supportive.
So sometimes, when I'm discussing something really awful she did (and she did),I feel a pang.
I still miss her, even though she regularly wasn't  loyal or kind  or loving, she would enable dad's narcissism, and my UNPD brother and sister both used to triangulate through her and cause horrible issues for me.
They can't do that now, and that's a blessing.  Anyway, I do miss mum. Mum on a good day,  that is.
I think we have to feel what we feel and accept that as real and appropriate.
When my dad passes I'll try to remember him more as a friend. It's when we talk as friends I can relate to him the best. Weird huh 🤔.
I'll try to remember too, that he used to make mum laugh. And mum could be funny too. There were times when they forgot their demons.  I hold on to those moments  🙏

[Boat Babe]

Yeah, when I call my mother I'm always a bit disappointed when she picks up.
I don't actively want her gone, I bjust wish I never had to talk to her again. So very sad, for both of us.

[p123]

Yeah, when I call my mother I'm always a bit disappointed when she picks up.
I don't actively want her gone, I bjust wish I never had to talk to her again. So very sad, for both of us.

me too. I realise its the day to phone him and my heart sinks. Then I think whats he going to say now.

I could easily never speak to him again. I've tried and tried but he gets worse and worse - its all his fault.

[nanotech]

Yeah, when I call my mother I'm always a bit disappointed when she picks up.
I don't actively want her gone, I bjust wish I never had to talk to her again. So very sad, for both of us.

me too. I realise its the day to phone him and my heart sinks. Then I think whats he going to say now.

I could easily never speak to him again. I've tried and tried but he gets worse and worse - its all his fault.

I could happily not speak to my dad again too. You saying that has made me brave enough to voice it as well.
I do the same. I ring him weekly. If it's more frequent he becomes really cocky and smart -assed with me, as if he thinks the frequency of my calls means he's 'got' me somehow.  And the more often you talk to them, the more the mask slips.
Boat babe is it bad that had a little giggle at your comment about feeling disappointed when you mum picks up? I'm there with you on this as well! I'm sure my dad is just going to go on forever.
He's started talking about his 90th in two year's time.
No plans can take place because I have no contact with two of my PD siblings. Dad will plan it anyway, he prefers it that way.  He's just about in the best health you can be at 88 so he's a fine chance of making it! Lol😮😂