New here

[Truffledog]

For 17 years I have lived with a storm in my head. I couldn't focus on anything, hold a steady job, and thought I had found love and often chased it where it wasn't. Insomnia and anger filled my life. When good things came I sabotaged them; good jobs, good people. I lived in constant fear and the more I learned about personality disorders the more fearful I became; any sniff of narcissism and I fled. The abuse and pain injected into my life by an estranged mother and her husband a police sergeant has just circled in my head these last 17 years. Violent acts, megalomania, and gluttony destroyed what my grandparents had more or less put together for me, a promising life and a peaceful childhood. Someone happy and a place in a prestigious university. I ended up on a bar stool wallowing and stuck in the past. I know we can blame things. But the anger at injustices just takes over. You are raised with a sense of justice and land ownership and "ohh look at me", window dressing, they attack our life, our existence, they fixate, they try to smash you and control you, they lie, steal, and when you flee they smear you. Then play victim. So not only do you loose everything you loved they isolate you too. And there have been other victims prior but it is a thing they master and get more extreme and brazen with over time. You do them the favour of going down, getting depressed, isolating yourself, treating your life like it doesn't matter, you self harm so they can say look he's a drunk or add legs and spread rumours, exaggerate, and work on everyone around you to isolate you. You become needy and a people pleaser, a Jack Russell running around in circles chasing it's tail, attracting more of same into your life.

The details are long and sad and maddening. But I hope here I can try break the thoughts being mired in the past. Try deal with my anger, try be more dependable - in ways I often wondered are these ailments contagious, am I becoming a sociopath or psychopath in my irresponsible behaviour- but I have empathy and maybe in the healing I must feel for those I am speaking about that haven't. Maybe there is a healing, some form of forgiveness and subsequent path forward for me, if I can understand that they have an ailment. That be it alcoholism in their childhood or bullying in the civil service something happened them. It's hard to forgive. I definitely don't want to see these individuals (estranged parents relatives) again. I suppose I came here today because other than some therapy in 2009 I've just carried all this around alone. And in seeing others and how they deal with similar situations maybe I can learn and for once not just start to grow -I'll sabotage that- but for once continue growing.     

[Starboard Song]

Welcome to Out of the FOG.

I hope there will be folks here whose stories help, or whose advice is on point.

Check out the Toolbox and read, read, read!

Be good. Be strong.

[Truffledog]

Thank you.

[PeanutButter]

Hi Truffledog! Welcome!

Im so happy to hear that despite years of struggle and suffering you are NOT going to give up on yourself!

You deserve unconditional love, acceptance, and support! You had a right to those but you were deprived repeatedly of the even the bare minimum of care.

For me facing my self hate and replacing it with self compassion and self forgiveness was vital to moving through the trauma that I too had been stuck in my whole adult life.

IME we cannot give to others something we dont yet have for ourselves. IMO that means that first step needs to be a focus inward.

When we love ourselves, when we have forgiven ourselves, then it is easier to have compassion for others if we choose to do so.

[Truffledog]

Thanks Peanut Butter,

You are right. I will heed your words. A lot of work to be done though. I appreciate it. It helps not feeling alone.

take care

Tdog

[PeanutButter]

You are not alone!

I have sociopaths among other disorders in my FOO and extended F.

Intergenerational inherited dysfunction.

I am trying to break the cycle now. But the first part of my adult life I was also 'mired' in all sorts of maladaptive self destructive patterns with little to no awareness.

See ya around the boards.

[Truffledog]

I think this will help. Knowing about heir condition but also trying to fix ourselves. I've spent too long in the fog. Thanks for your words I appreciate them.

[doglady]

Truffledog
Welcome. I'm sorry to hear things have been so hard. And I'm humbled by your willingness to not give up despite the difficulties you've experienced.

Your comment
« You do them the favour of going down, getting depressed, isolating yourself, treating your life like it doesn't matter, you self harm so they can say look he's a drunk or add legs and spread rumours, exaggerate, and work on everyone around you to isolate you. You become needy and a people pleaser, a Jack Russell running around in circles chasing it's tail, attracting more of same into your life.« 
really jumped out at me. How true that is. And it points out the direction we must now to choose to travel in, one that doesn't fit their sad prophecy.