Asking help with finally going no contact

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newjuncture

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Asking help with finally going no contact
« on: June 01, 2020, 03:20:26 PM »
It's gotten to the point with my parent that contact is literally every 2-3 days that it is starting to feel like stalking. I have tried to reinforce my boundaries over the past six months which they continue to act like they don't know about with messages like "call me", "I am worried", "why are you isolating yourself" even though it has nothing to do with this.  I am at the point where I am now clear about going no contact.  What did you say in your message when going no contact without any charged emotion? I want to be clear about going contact with as little explanation as possible for two reasons 1) so there is no question in the future about why I'm not response 2) so they can't use it as an excuse to pretend to be worried about me or go to the authorities.  Going VLC wasn't working, and blocking everything will only have them calling the police, reporting me missing, or taking some other action making me look like I'm the one doing something wrong. Also, it's good to have a record for future documentation about any messages.  I have been vlc for the past month only through messages but haven't responded to the parent or any or my siblings.  At this point, I feel I need to be very clear that since my boundaries are being crossed, I won't tolerate this type of behavior anymore and will be stopping any contact for my own personal health.  Thank you.

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PeanutButter

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Re: Asking help with finally going no contact
« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2020, 03:30:34 PM »
I know plenty of responses will have scripts and ideas of what to say.

 I wanted to point out that no matter how you word it they may very well 'pretend' you are missing and tell people you are 'doing them wrong'.

 I think it would be beneficial to be prepared for this since that is what you gut seems to be telling you is going to happen.  :ninja:
 
 Good luck.You can do this no matter how they react.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Asking help with finally going no contact
« Reply #2 on: June 01, 2020, 04:39:53 PM »
My experience in these cases is that you can tell them whatever you want, they will hear what they want to hear. Nothing you say or do will prevent them from doing what they are going to do.

For me the best approach is to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for the fall out.

My family tend twist everything I say and use it against me. I avoid putting anything in writing with them and I no longer tell them the things I find hurtful as these are the things they focus on.

Good luck. Going NC has really allowed me space to heal and Iíve learned so much about myself. Iím much stronger and more optimistic about my future

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Kovera

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Re: Asking help with finally going no contact
« Reply #3 on: June 06, 2020, 03:34:48 AM »
newjuncture, NC contact can be a scary decision sometimes, but if you know what's best for you never let that fear of your abusers reactions deter you from your decision! I recall your reply to my post some time ago about NC, sorry it took me so long but I responded to some of your concerns if that helps in any way. Going fully NC will be a difficult process, but believe me the liberation is worth it, if it's what you truly decided you want to do. Them telling you you're "isolating" and "I'm worried about you" is sheer manipulation. They're pinning you as the problem, so they don't have to admit that they are actually the root cause.

I want to be clear about going contact with as little explanation as possible for two reasons 1) so there is no question in the future about why I'm not response 2) so they can't use it as an excuse to pretend to be worried about me or go to the authorities.  Going VLC wasn't working, and blocking everything will only have them calling the police, reporting me missing, or taking some other action making me look like I'm the one doing something wrong. Also, it's good to have a record for future documentation about any messages.  I have been vlc for the past month only through messages but haven't responded to the parent or any or my siblings.  At this point, I feel I need to be very clear that since my boundaries are being crossed, I won't tolerate this type of behavior anymore and will be stopping any contact for my own personal health.  Thank you.

For your first reason, setting a clear cut reason with a non-reactive and direct response can be a good way to keep your end of the conversation and reality clear. They will likely respond to you with guilt/shame inducing replies, they may even try and send siblings/friends to try and suck you back in. Stand your ground, don't fall for it. You've every right to keep them out of your life. Remember why you chose NC, view their responses with a non-reactive and neutral attitude, because the second they see you give in and emotionally react or respond to their manipulation they will pull even harder and abuse even more! It is crucial to remain calm and stand your ground no matter what. There is a good youtube channel by a woman named Meredith Miller called "Inner Integration" where she has an entire playlist about NC (mainly geared toward dealing with narcs but can be helpful with many similar PD situations in NC.) Here's the link if you're interested :https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCrNg_13PdqKAZRPqyclRq1g/playlists

In regards to them using the cops to try and hoover you, if it ever happens, it is best to show completely neutral and calm responses to such. The authorities will see there's nothing wrong with you. I can bet they're trained for this kind of thing. When they see a pattern from such calls from the same group of people and identify that there's nothing actually wrong with you, eventually they likely won't take your abusers calls seriously anymore. Don't let their tactics of using police deter you from cutting them out, that's what they want so you'll keep them around. The PD's want you to react and show emotion to their boundary crossing behavior because it will make YOU look like the crazy one. Don't fall for it! you've got a good idea about saving every message for future documentation. The police can't arrest you for blocking their messages, you've every right to say NO and not have to give any justification for any decision you make. No one can force you to contact them or involve them in your life, not even authorities.

If you want to be clear in going NC to them, I recommend thoroughly reflecting on why you want NC, what you feel about the situation, and pondering/journaling your thoughts about what you want to say, so  when your time comes, you can think & view things with greater clarity. I did this before finally cutting out my NM, and it took me a good two weeks before I could finally go write out, edit, and re-read everything I said to her in a text so I could address everything clearly and without emotionally reacting or JADEing. They will try to prod you into replying, I can almost guarantee.

You are strong, you got this. NC is not an easy decision, but it can truly save your life, health and overall well being. We're here for you on this site, many understand what your going through. Your health and peace are invaluable! you deserve happiness and a life free from abuse.
« Last Edit: June 06, 2020, 03:38:18 AM by Kovera »

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treesgrowslowly

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Re: Asking help with finally going no contact
« Reply #4 on: June 06, 2020, 09:38:01 AM »
If it were me I would get the info on the stalking laws in your state. How would you be in the wrong if they call the police. You are allowed to live without contacting parents. You are not missing if you are well and sitting at home are you?

Won't they look dumb trying to report you missing when you are not missing?

There is no law saying you must stay in contact with parents after you are an adult is there?  There are laws against harassment though in most areas where I live.

Trees

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Fortuna

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Re: Asking help with finally going no contact
« Reply #5 on: June 08, 2020, 05:53:01 PM »
I'll repeat that you can say what you want and they will hear what they want, but if you want a message that people without a PD will look at and be able to tell this is the real deal make sure it is clear, short, more academic than emotional. I sent a two paragraph NC letter to my mom. It laid out her latest behaviors, the fact it was rude/belitting/ect. and since it was repeating behavior I wanted no contact of any kind. Then I proceeded to list the any kind of contact including those not mentioned or not yet invented. (Because that is the lawyer language I have to go to to make sure my mom can't slip in sending me a candygram, or ending something over whatever new communication comes along) 

Something like "We've talked about this behavior. I love you but I need to protect myself from this behavior. I no longer want contact with you." Expand as needed. You don't need to go into every little thing. You don't need to go into anything. Heck, you don't even need to tell them if you don't want to.

But when you decide to go NC, then do it.  :sharkbait: Block the phones, send the email to a folder you never see, don't answer the door, don't open the mail. If they aren't willing to abide by simple boundaries after you told them you were thinking of NC, they aren't going to abide after you say NC, you are the one that has to do the work of making it NC. And that is easier if you don't read the mail/listen to the letters or open the door to see what they want, because all of those things are contact and if feeds into their feeling of getting one over on you and each manipulation is meant to draw you back in.

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KeepingMyBlue

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Re: Asking help with finally going no contact
« Reply #6 on: June 12, 2020, 05:39:39 PM »


In regards to them using the cops to try and hoover you, if it ever happens, it is best to show completely neutral and calm responses to such. The authorities will see there's nothing wrong with you. I can bet they're trained for this kind of thing. When they see a pattern from such calls from the same group of people and identify that there's nothing actually wrong with you, eventually they likely won't take your abusers calls seriously anymore. Don't let their tactics of using police deter you from cutting them out, that's what they want so you'll keep them around. The PD's want you to react and show emotion to their boundary crossing behavior because it will make YOU look like the crazy one. Don't fall for it! you've got a good idea about saving every message for future documentation. The police can't arrest you for blocking their messages, you've every right to say NO and not have to give any justification for any decision you make. No one can force you to contact them or involve them in your life, not even authorities.


I think I lost the quotes in the edit, sorry Kovera

I can confirm. The police have trained and seen this over and over. Stay calm, and I'll bet as you explain the situation to them, they'll finish for you. They would rather see this than any domestic violence situation. Bonus, you'll have their report in case you need to escalate anything.

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Blueberry Pancakes

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Re: Asking help with finally going no contact
« Reply #7 on: June 15, 2020, 11:41:18 AM »
My family tend twist everything I say and use it against me. I avoid putting anything in writing with them and I no longer tell them the things I find hurtful as these are the things they focus on.

If you have decided to communicate your reasons, I suggest keeping it as minimally worded as possible, and without details of specific behaviors. Say something like you are backing off because you have been hurt and will not be responding to any contact they make with you. Done. I agree with what is stated here that when you give details, they do not take it to try to understand, but rather to accuse and blame. If it is in writing, sometimes they share it among others and engage in group smear campaigns. My family has done it to me, so I no longer put anything in writing. Whatever you do, please do it for you and what will give you peace. Trying to do something to give them peace does not seem to work.