New, don't know where to begin.

Started by Delphiniumgirl, June 03, 2020, 01:57:32 AM

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Delphiniumgirl

I'm not even sure about any diagnosis but it can't be all me surely. So much resonated with me and I feel utterly broken. Adult daughter has had another major outburst and obviously it's my fault again. This has been going on for years, since the teens. I can only describe it as a merry go round. I grew up with a parent who was similar and that left me damaged emotionally but I never thought my own child would have similar traits.
It's slowly killing me. My husband has also had enough of watching me fall apart. She has her own family, kids the lot. Anything I say is used against me. I have had this for years. I've questioned my parenting skills/sanity/honesty. I'm far from perfect, who isn't? I need to break the cycle, the term 'Hoover' resonated with me so easily. Any advice is most welcome.

Boat Babe

Hi there and welcome to the forum.
Having a child with a PD sounds like the worst of all possible combinations and my heart goes out to you. I don't have any advice in your situation other than Reading as much as you can about PDs, understanding the dynamics and using the tools and connecting with other parents on the forum here. That would be a helpful start I think.

And here's a big hug for you  :bighug:
It gets better. It has to.

Truffledog

Hi I'm new too. Get to the resources and tool box and click on the links within too. Headings too can be links to more stuff. Get reading. I don't know your situation but I have witnessed horrible abuse from my mother both violent, physical, wrongful detainment, and the lowest thing you can say to someone just after chemo. The list is endless. But I know now that more dynamics were at play, that while she is not well, her husband has all the symptoms and a track record of sociopathy. The sheer hatred in her eyes was not all hers and was worked and manipulated. Maybe something external is at play with your daughter too. A lot of sick people out there parading as wonderful, manipulative, conniving, then "what did I do", deflections, projections, smear. Maybe your daughter's anger is being stoked? Good luck with everything. You did the right thing coming here. Try love yourself first, that's what I'm trying to do.

LemonLime

Hi Delphiniumgirl,
Welcome to the group.   I'm sorry you are experiencing this.  I can tell you that my older sister sounds a lot like your daughter.  She was an intense child and my parents had a real struggle parenting her.  But overall they did a good job.   Nonetheless, the three of us are subjected to sis's rages and have been since she was a teen.  She is middle-aged now.   It's never her fault, she takes absolutely no responsibility.  She takes every single thing we say or do as a personal affront, so we walk on eggshells.   She has mellowed toward my parents now, probably because they are now in their 80s.  Her full rage is now directed toward me, the "Golden Child".    She has resented me forever.   We have no severe mental health issues in our family aside from my Dad's sister who I believe has NPD.   And I do believe there is a genetic component to these PDs.   It is not necessarily the parents' fault, so please know that.   I can attest to my parents being quite normal and reasonable.  Could they have been more affirming?  Sure.   But emotions coaching was not something my parents knew how to do.   My sister paired with my parents was a "bad fit".   And it's unclear if it would have made a difference.   She is wired very differently from the rest of us.   Sometimes it just doesn't matter what the parents do or don't do.  I'm really sorry.

LemonLime

I found the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" very useful.
Also the Margalis Fjelstad book

Delphiniumgirl

Thank you for your responses. The guilt of no contact and the way it messes with the head is overwhelming.  Truffledog, I really appreciate some of the valid points you make in your posts both here and in other posts. Such valid points. Her anger is definitely being stoked I fear. My mother is no doubt filling her mind with all sorts of stories. I've tried to discuss things but it's pointless and has resulted in the latest meltdown. 
Kat1984, I had that book but recently gave it away. Regrets now!

PeanutButter

#6
Hi im sorry for your pain. I know it personally.

Ime sometimes the emotional abuse tactic of picking a child as a scapegoat while making a golden child of another child (usually done with siblings)can be played out in multiple generations. For example an adult child has a child who will be picked as golden child and their parent scapegoated, by the grandparent.

This has the same effect as it does on siblings that the parent and child's relationship is destroyed by the triangulation of the dysordered grandparent.

Often with siblings this discord lasts a lifetime. It is a divide and conquer manipulation strategy so that the parent remained in control of both children and the children didn't ever 'compare notes' on what the parent was telling them.

My ubpd/uspdM started on my S very early and I didnt know it was happening.

I am so sorry. Try to take good care of yourself.

IME you can detach with love. It doesnt have to be angry or hurt to detach if you need to protect yourself.

You did not cause this, you cannot change or cure it. But as I hope one day it may be a reconnection since there once was one before the distorted view formed.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

Delphiniumgirl

Peanut butter thank you. That made more sense to me.