intro

[vijaykumari]

Hi,
I am here for general support because I am mentally breaking down.  I have a history of child abuse and other complicated extensive trauma (I see the sexual abuse as the most damaging) in my family.  Nothing was done to to stop it or get any kind of justice for the abuse.  I've become the odd one out, and I'm very angry over the response of everyone in the family and I'm still a mess and can't seem to have any kind of a normal life.

Yesterday something happened that left me shocked and more traumatized.   I hope this isn't too rambly:   

Recently my adult (transgender, "they" pronoun) child has been active for social reform (especially with recent events), and it came to my attention that they are opposed to the prison system. They have this idea that we should get rid of police and jails and let people police themselves I guess.  Something like that.  Very utopian.  Anyway they know about my sexual abuse history although we haven't talked about it a lot. So I asked, what would you suggest for my abuser? (He is living in California and doing well as far as I can tell, and his kids and other extended family are supporting him.)  My OWN CHILD said well maybe house arrest so he can't reoffend. I almost fell off the chair.  I feel so sick about this and angry.  Pay him to stay home?  I wanted to say "gee why not send him some banana bread, and I can write an apology? "  They said something about rehabilitation for offenders and I said "how about me? when do I get rehabilitation? What about you, because your life has been hugely affected by having me, a victim, as a mother?" 

But this is my 21 year old child who is not quite grown in my view.  I want to express anger but I feel like it's too much to expect them to even connect with me on this issue because they are at a stage of life when connecting to community is more important.  I just feel so angry that they care more about every other disadvantaged group than me.  I guess I've raised a very sheltered child so that's probably good.  I can't imagine that if they were also victimized they would have this view.  We live in a safe educated area where people have the luxury of sitting around dreaming of a perfect world. 

Why is there no feeling that people should be held accountable for what they do?  I would certainly hope that if I did something wrong, whether I'm speeding or hurting someone directly, I would be held responsible and expected to do something about it. 

Thanks for reading.  I'm feeling sick today and I'm trying not to just eat my feelings.  There is no justice.  Everyone is out marching and I get it-I support that cause don't get me wrong-but I feel angry that no one cares about me.  If that sounds selfish, I should add that it's not about me as an adult-it's about the child that once existed and was never protected.  Just because that child isn't visible it doesn't mean that people shouldn't be held accountable.  At least people around me should express a wish for accountability. 

[bloomie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the FOG. I am really glad you reached out for support as you grapple with complicated and painful issues that result from what sounds like a family system that was systemically abusive.

The abuse you experienced is horrendous. It is wrong on every level. My heart breaks for all that you have suffered and I know those are words on a screen from a complete strange, but it is what I can offer and I offer it to you with the utmost sincerity.

I have learned - with an abuse history from my family of origin (FOO), that my young adult children may not be the best source of understanding and support for many years - or maybe never on certain levels as their life experiences and worldview were not formed from the ashes of terrible betrayal at the hands of what was once a trusted family member.

Finding a group that can and will support you that has suffered similar things and a wise and trauma informed therapist has been a reliable way to gain ground and heal for me.

Right now there is so much stress with the pandemic alone and then the many civil issues in each of our regions that it might be wise to step back from any discussion that could be harming you or the relationship with your child and give it space until such a time that you feel appropriate to give your experience informed perspective as a survivor.

And then finding ways to share, as I feel is appropriate, with my adult children some of my experiences and the perspective I have formed out of those experiences, has worked to open up a greater awareness and sensitivity between us.

In the meantime, your distress and hurt are certainly understandable and that your child's viewpoint and developing beliefs are triggering.

What we do here is support each other as we find strategies and do healing work around the hurtful behaviors of loved ones with traits and behaviors that are disordered. The toolbox and information at the drop down menus above are a great jumping in spot.

Take some time and read through the conversations taking place on the boards and make good use of the resources - book recommendations and other media resources as you settle in.

[vijaykumari]

Thank you, that makes sense and I needed to hear it.  It was triggering because it reminded me of past issues and conversations with my parents and older siblings.  When my kids became adults I suddenly thought (for the first time in my life) that I have a family, but they can't replace what I missed which was a different type of family.