New and trying to heal

[Ariel52]

Hello everyone. I have initiated no contact with my NPD mother for 9 months now, and have been talking with a therapist for 9 months as well. It has been a long and winding journey and she tells me (therapist) I need to mourn the loss/lack of relationship, forgive my mother and heal. I am having a hard time with forgivness part. Any suggestions....?

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have found a good place.
In my experience forgiveness comes at the end, after anger, despair and acceptance. For me it was something I did not have to work for,  once I was done with the other parts of grieving I was so tired of the whole thing that forgiveness came naturally. Because I was done. That person had no more power over me. Forgiveness meant that I no longer held on to anger and had given up the hope to ever getting what I needed from that person.

[Truffledog]

"I was done"   ... I'd like to be there. I'm new so don't pay too much attention. To see "I was done" gives me hope. I've been stuck in anger a long time. Sometime's I got to acceptance for a spell and even a glimpse of forgiveness but to be honest I remain in anger hence pay me tepid heed. I'm new too. I've shied from therapy and spent money on self abuse, mostly alcohol, so you need to pat yourself on the back there. One thing I might be able to say is, those glimpses I've had of "I was done" and even a start on the road to forgiveness were rooted in trying to use empathy and understanding. Pity is dangerous, deadly, but inevitable. I tried to see the sources of my mother's NPD, the violent formative years. I tried to see my mother as a little girl in a house of violence. And even if your mother had a different scenario; her dissorder is rooted in something. By using our empathy and want of understanding we can see them as children vulnerable and going through all you are going through now. ANd maybe your mother has given you just that tiny miniscule amount of strength more than herself so that you have the courage to do what you are doing now. They are damaged people and while I have spent years in hate and anger I think that the reply you received "was done" may also contain understanding. I'm going to the toolbox now to read about the disorders, but I have a hell of a long way to go working on myself as a priority first and foremost.  Good luck ... it's tough ... but we are tougher

[Truffledog]

disorder .. one "s" ..there goes the ego ... the cursor wont go back .. good luck ariel

[Starboard Song]

I am having a hard time with forgivness part. Any suggestions....?

I find that when my wife and I feel good, the forgiveness is easy. When we are stressed, it is harder. Wounded animals act out. So do wounded humans.

So the healing part, the self-care part, is critical. I commend to you all the books in the first line of my signature, which were of most help to me and my wife. In particular, she recommends Radical Acceptance, the book and the practice.

Also, define "forgiveness." It has very little meaning, really, outside of finance. It is only about your emotional stance. It is not about your decision to engage or to tolerate any particular behavior. It is not about whether any past transgression was right or wrong. Indeed, the concept of forgiveness kind of implies an agreed upon fact, that something wrong did happen. Forgiveness is only that you genuinely can think to yourself "may she be safe; may she be happy," and not be angry at her image.

Be good. Be strong.

[Delphiniumgirl]

Good luck, I've no suggestions but I tried the same thing for years. I've since discovered my daughter has similar pd issues and the two of them are triangulating to 'hoover" me back into the situation. I've made a tough decision to go NC  now. I'm struggling with the grief and guilt.
Wishing you well.

[Ariel52]

Thank you all.... 💖

[Delphiniumgirl]

Same here. I've not had contact but she's trying to contact me. I refuse to do this. It's been many years. I see it as a form of grief. Some days are better than others. She's triangulating with my child now. I'm alone as I've had to go NC with both.   
It's so tough.
I head a wonderful interview on the radio a few years back. The interviewee said something that gave me a lightbulb moment...
" i learned that no matter what child my mother would've had, she would always be the same, it's not me, it's her"

Sending you healing hugs

[PeanutButter]

Same here. I've not had contact but she's trying to contact me. I refuse to do this. It's been many years. I see it as a form of grief. Some days are better than others. She's triangulating with my child now. I'm alone as I've had to go NC with both.   
It's so tough.
I head a wonderful interview on the radio a few years back. The interviewee said something that gave me a lightbulb moment...
" i learned that no matter what child my mother would've had, she would always be the same, it's not me, it's her"

Sending you healing hugs