more twists and turns

[sevenyears]

This is about the process, and less about parenting or the kids.

Well, UNOCPDXH and I met yesterday with DD8's social worker and the youth welfare agency psychologist that evaluated her for aggression/anger issues. The good news is that the psychologist said DD8 doesn't need therapy and that she should attend the support group for children of divorced parents if it resumes this fall (this is the group in which participation EX H derailed last fall). The not good news is that the psychologist said DD8 - and probably DS4 - are experiencing a loyalty conflict caused by our constant fighting. They did not say it, but clearly, two years of co-parenting isn't working and is creating havoc in the kids lives. In order to see what is going on, the youth welfare agency will send someone to my home to observe me with the children. This may be a one off, or multiple times depending on what our needs are. At one point, the psychologist wove into the conversation that they will also observe XH with the children in order to see what the family dynamics are, before redirecting the conversation back to their visits to me. These visits will be arranged by DD's social worker.

I am terrified. At first I thought it was a stealth action as a way to inform him the welfare agency will come to evaluate him without drawing too much attention to it. It was presented as a way to help us - specifically me. But, this is the same tool that is used for families in crisis when the welfare agency is considering removing a child from a parent's custody. My therapist confirmed that this is a serious step. I am so worried that they are seeing me now as the problem. I am the one who said DD's8 anger/aggression is getting out of hand; the children are acting out when with me; I wouldn't agree to EXH being in charge of all the finances and documents; I'm the one who writes to the social worker asking for advice or her intervention with EX (my last email outlined the latest bouts of problems, referred to his control games, and noted the impact on the children in spite of my best efforts not to involve them).   

On the plus side, ExH had brought the children to the meeting, at the psychologist's request. They were mostly playing in the next room. At one point, they asked H to take them to the restroom. At another point, DS4 sought his pacifier from ExH and then came to me for reassurances. When they called DD into to explain to her the next steps, she sat on my lap for reassurance. So, the social worker and psychologist both saw how the children and I interact, even if briefly.

The social worker wants to visit me and the children early next week. I will ask her more about this process and its potential outcomes. Should I encourage her to talk to our mediator? The mediator is sworn to confidentiality, but if it's off the record, he might tell her XH is mentally ill. He might also say that I am overwhelmed with this situation. Should I ask her to conduct a psychological evaluation of both me and ExH? The mediator is close to brokering an agreement with us (unless XH torpedos it, which he's trying to do, but the mediator is on to his games), which would include both children. DD is a foster child, so should not be part of the court order regarding DS. I asked the social worker whether it is ok to include DD in the agreement, or whether she would prefer a separate agreement for DD, and will follow up with that question when she visits. This visit is not part of her routine visits to check on DD. She probably won't come into the house - instead, we'll meet at a playground.

[hhaw]

Seven:

I don't have any experience with Foster parenting and the situation you're going through. 

I will say playing board games with your kids, just in case that's something the social worker wants to observe you doing, would be a smart move.  Think about what you'd do if the kids didn't want to follow the rules or didn't lose gracefully. 

Framing the visit for the kids seems necessary and reasonable.  How did the social worker tell you to speak to the kids about this?

I don't know what the social worker will ask you to do with the kiddos, but it's good to remain calm, consistent, non reactive mom, IME.  Kids get to own their feelings and deal with the logical consequences of their actions. You won't be expected to be perfect or have perfect kiddos, so don't fret about everything going perfectly.  Make sure any meal you have planned is something pretty healthy and something the kids like to eat very much.  Maybe something they can help and enjoy helping you make. 

If I could go back, I'd tell my kids what was expected of them, and how important it was.  I didn't realize I'd been submarined and the court-ordered T testing my children was on a mission to torpedo us, so I should have protected my kids more and not tiptoed around the crazy T.

YOU should avoid upsetting the social worker so make sure to get some guidance and input about what you should say to the kids about the visit/s..... but the kids should know the truth is important and it's OK to tell the truth..... it's not about telling on anyone. It's about the truth.  I wish I had more helpful information to share.  I don't think I do. 

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, (((Seven.)))

[sevenyears]

Thanks Heehaw. This is our usual social worker. Normally, she makes one house visit per year. She was last here in January, so this isn't her routine visit. We'll be meeting at a playground, so I think it is more that she see the kids in action, and that we have an opportunity to discuss whatever it is she wants to talk about. I can ask her more about the "observers" that will come to us, and update her on negotiations with uPDXH over the "administrative" aspects of raising children. This is though, the same social worker that threatened to take DD out of our placement, and potentially (biological) DS out of our custody, which is why I'm worried. So, I will try to find "neutral" things to talk about and try to get the kids playing nicely together. 

[Penny Lane]

I'm sorry sevenyears! That sounds so stressful. Let us know how it goes.

[sevenyears]

Well, the social worker visit went well - she only came to say goodbye since she's moving on. So, we're getting a new social worker.

[hhaw]

Well.....I'm praying for a competent professional to step up, and advocate for your children.

May you receive the best possible outcome.