RESUMED CONTACT BECAUSE OF COVID19

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The New Me!

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RESUMED CONTACT BECAUSE OF COVID19
« on: June 03, 2020, 09:18:53 AM »
Hello,

Contacted my Mum and Step-Dad just after lockdown in March and now have unhealthy feelings again.  My Mum hasn't left the house for 10+ weeks.  She keeps asking me questions about my cousin - her sister's son - who is estranged from his parents and has been for nearly 9 years.  I haven't told her anything about them, she keeps asking whether his job is safe and how his wife and children are.   Told her I didn't want to get involved and if her sister wanted to know anything she should find out for herself.  I said a few other things as well, which didn't go down very well.  Came off the phone feelings very annoyed and irritated.  What is wrong with these people?  Why do they lack the ability to act properly?  I have made the decision not to telephone again, because I realise that sadly nothing is ever going to change with my parents!  It never goes away does it!?

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Call Me Cordelia

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Re: RESUMED CONTACT BECAUSE OF COVID19
« Reply #1 on: June 03, 2020, 09:39:28 AM »
Ugh. If your cousin wanted them to know how he was he would have kept in contact. :stars:

Yeah no respect there. Good for you for not getting drawn back in. Your compassion led you to reach out, and gave you the gift of confirmation that the well is still dry. Take care of yourself. :hug:

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: RESUMED CONTACT BECAUSE OF COVID19
« Reply #2 on: June 03, 2020, 11:50:31 AM »
Whenever I talk to my mom, I leave with unhealthy feelings. Makes me wonder why I keep in contact with her. All of them are so similar and I could see my mother going on the same way.

You ask "what's wrong with these people", in my uNPD mother's case it's all about the narcissistic supply she can get from every conversation. I may tell her some information, perfectly innocent information and she spins it into all kinds of weird things. In her case, she absolutely does lack the ability to act properly. Everything is always about her and nobody else.

I'm glad you've made the decision not to call again. It is sad but good that you're going to protect yourself.

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moglow

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Re: RESUMED CONTACT BECAUSE OF COVID19
« Reply #3 on: June 03, 2020, 02:03:46 PM »
Quote
If your cousin wanted them to know how he was he would have kept in contact.
Exactly! I'd probably give a somewhat softened answer next time she brings it up: you don't know [even white lie and tell her you've not talked to cousin]. Cousin is the only one who can answer and if she has questions, she needs to ask HIM. You can't possibly answer for other people. Make it clear you're not anyone's go-between and don't care to participate in gossip, even family gossip.

I did that with mine - it didn't go over well because she wasn't getting what she wanted, but i kept cutting it short with "no idea" and a quick change of subject. She insisted it was my business because I'm family - um NO. That's THEIRS to discuss or not, not mine, and I'm not comfortable talking about them behind their backs. Actually, that's what made me realize that she's also telling MY personal business, her insistence that I was entitled to know everyone else's meant she used mine as a bargaining chip. In my case, most of her family [her parents and siblings] have passed, and she never had any real connection with any other than one much older cousin of mine - two dedicated gossipers, those two. It severely limits her playing ground and I'm okay with that.

You hang in there and do what's best for you - it used to take me days to recover from mother's tantrums. I'm much better now at refusing to engage and/or taking on what's not mine. You're right - they may never change. That doesn't mean YOU can't change what you allow or how much [and what kind of] contact you want.
“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Blueberry Pancakes

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Re: RESUMED CONTACT BECAUSE OF COVID19
« Reply #4 on: June 03, 2020, 03:43:01 PM »
I too resumed contact due to Covid and had to once again pull back from them and resume VVVVLC because any contact leaves me tired, resentful and irritated. It is surprising how it can take a toll on your physical well being.  I stupidly helped my elderly, high-risk dad get online groceries and medications to which he promptly told me I had an anxiety problem and should seek counselling and hung up on me.  No thank you, no appreciation. I should have just let him figure it out, or get the virus doing in-store shopping.
   
I have blocked all calls again, but notice he leaves voicemails on my phone and my husband's nearly every day. The bad thing is upon resuming any level of contact, he now just keeps hammering away with the non-stop calls. No, they do not change. As stated in this thread, you now have the gift of confirmation, so I hope that provides some peace.   

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The New Me!

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Re: RESUMED CONTACT BECAUSE OF COVID19
« Reply #5 on: June 03, 2020, 05:58:05 PM »
Thank you for the helpful comments.  It is purely for the best - from my point of view - not to contact her again.  I find her behaviour insidious.