Has VLC worked for anyone?

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Would like to hear if VLC has worked for anyone, and what exactly was the frequency and conditions under which you had contact?   
   
After one more hurtful event of triangulation two years ago, I went NC with my parents and sister. It was the best time of my life. I was finally free. Six months later I tried doing VLC with my parents. Motivating factors where that my husband, while mostly supportive, did not quite understand how I could just never talk to my parents again.  Secondly I knew my GC sister would get any inheritance from our parents and feel like she defeated me. I did not want to give her that victory. So, my motivations were not the best, and it certainly was not that I wanted them in my life.   
   
Upon my call to initiate VLC, all they did was say how much better I just made their life and how happy they were that I was back. I cringed. I explained I felt they behaved with lack of regard toward me, and I was distancing myself to protect from being hurt. They were silent. I asked for them to just treat me respectfully. After a long pause, they just said how happy they were to hear from me. Before ending the call, they said they loved me. I told them they should love me because I am worthy of love. More silence. I guess it was too much to think they might have just said something agreeable like "Of course you are worthy of love." I felt a bit irritated by them acting like their expression of love was a gift, so I told them parents should love their kid. Mom quickly shot back that a child should love her mother. The call ended with that.
           
I kept my VLC to a phone call every 6 weeks, and an in-person visit every 12 weeks where I would stop by with some sandwiches for lunch. I stayed for no longer than 90 minutes. This routine went on for over one year, during which time my parents never stopped regularly calling 3-4 days a week and leaving voicemails and emails. I mostly deleted the messages, but occasionally listened. A few messages dad would ask what they did wrong and beg me to call, others he would angrily call me hateful, and others he would be cheerful but "accidentally" let the recording continue while he questioned my mom why I was not accepting their calls.   
     
Long story, but I am now back to NC since any level of contact with them leaves me feeling physically un-well, tired, and mostly re-traumatized. Am I supposed to explain in detail all the hurtful things they did and re-live the pain just so it is clear to them why I am not around so much?  When I told them initially I was still keeping distant to protect myself, was I supposed to keep re-stating that? 
   
Yesterday one my mom's Flying Monkey friends I have known since childhood called me and left a message that she was thinking about me. It turned my stomach because I know my parents are continuing to do all the things they have always done.  Is this behavior to be expected?
                 
If you have been VLC what makes it work for you?  Thanks.   

[Starboard Song]

Just want to express my support.

We went NC 4 1/2 years ago, so I don't have a relevant answer for you. I observe, though, that you are very hurt, and have a deep desire to express that hurt to them and to be consoled by them. That is unlikely to happen.

I'd like to recommend to you the book Radical Acceptance. It was of great help to my wife. All the books on the top line of my signature are those that helped us heal.

[PeanutButter]

We are vlc with mil. I would rather be nc. My H is continually harmed no matter how short and far between visits are.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Just want to express my support.

We went NC 4 1/2 years ago, so I don't have a relevant answer for you. I observe, though, that you are very hurt, and have a deep desire to express that hurt to them and to be consoled by them. That is unlikely to happen.

Thanks Starboard. I will check out the books you recommended. Fortunately I like reading and find solace in books. Thank you also for your observation of the hurt I suppose I am feeling. I sometimes think I am not that hurt by them, it was not that bad, and my steps with NC more protective than "absolutely necessary". I am alone in my family with being the only one recognizing dysfunction. That also is another injury. Anyway, thanks.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

We are vlc with mil. I would rather be nc. My H is continually harmed no matter how short and far between visits are.

Thanks PeanutButter for sharing that no matter how short and far between visits, there is still hurt inflicted. I also appreciate that you are fine with being NC with your MIL. I guess my husband would get to that point too, but I have mostly kept him out of the higher end drama. I think I naively thought VLC would mean I was not going to be around them enough to feel wounded. Part of my learning curve.   

[Adria]

Am I supposed to explain in detail all the hurtful things they did and re-live the pain just so it is clear to them why I am not around so much?  When I told them initially I was still keeping distant to protect myself, was I supposed to keep re-stating that?

If it would make you feel better to explain yourself more then I would do it. However, they most likely will never accept that anything is their fault, they may project all their stuff back onto you, and you could leave feeling even worse. If you are the SG, they have already decided we are not worthy of their love and positive attention. 

I've done it every which way possible to the same end.  I'm sorry you are going through this terrible pain. The only thing that worked for me when I was VLC (Been NC for nearly 3 decades) was if it started getting difficult while I was visiting, I just left or got off the phone.  Unfortunately, it seems like with any contact, they somehow manage to rip the scab off the wound and leave us struggling to find our equilibrium again.

[Andeza]

That was my experience as well, any amount of contact left me in a bad place. I was calling once a month, then decided the phone works both ways. So she started calling once a month, always moaning that I should call her more. That I never call. Asking repeatedly if everything in my life was okay, even though I consistently assured her that I was working insane hours. Eventually that lead to her trotting out the old "I know you've got your own life" nonsense. It was always an accusation, arugula hidden, but one nonetheless.

So I went NC. Because now, finally, I have some peace. I assume she is continuing to live her life, acting just as pathetic as ever, and probably hasn't told a soul. I'd be willing to bet, that despite the email explaining why, if confronted she would devolve into tears and swear she doesn't know why I don't speak to her.

In my experience, they will always sabotage attempts at vlc because it's not what they want. They want the old status quo. Anything less than the opportunity to abuse us like they always have just doesn't render the same satisfaction.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

If it would make you feel better to explain yourself more then I would do it. However, they most likely will never accept that anything is their fault, they may project all their stuff back onto you, and you could leave feeling even worse. If you are the SG, they have already decided we are not worthy of their love and positive attention. 

Thank you Adria - I am the SG. I decided two years ago I was done explaining for the reason you state. They do not accept it, project it back to me even harsher. and I end up feeling worse. I guess I thought VLC would allow some level of contact to stop their badness toward me while also giving me space, but it has only given me more clarity on the dysfunction that pushed me out the door in the first place.  Thanks you.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

In my experience, they will always sabotage attempts at vlc because it's not what they want. They want the old status quo. Anything less than the opportunity to abuse us like they always have just doesn't render the same satisfaction.

Thank you for sharing your experience, Andeza. Your comment explains why the barrage of angry messages continues. I would get exasperated that I would bring lunch to them and have a peaceful conversation, then just two days later they would leave an angry message asking why I was mad, holding a grudge, or why I did not want to be part of the family. How the tone could change in two days was astonishing. "It just is not what they want, and does not render the same satisfaction." Perfectly stated. 

[moglow]

Has vvvlc worked for me? Depends on your definition of "worked", to be honest. In my case, mother is patently uninterested in me/us [any of her children or grandchildren] or anything to do with me. My sole purpose in her life has been as sounding board or punching bag depending on her mood, with a very occasional drift into "the perfect daughter" when it behooves her image in public. She's severely limited when it comes to any kind of relationship with others, and it took me until just the past several years to understand just how superficial she really is.

I stopped telling mommie dearest about my life years ago when too much of my personal information was bandied about and exaggerated. I live about 2 hours from her, have been here 14 years - not once has she seen or shown any interest whatsoever in where I live. 14 years. I pretty much stopped visiting her because it was just so painful pretending and trying to tune out the incessant negativity and spite. And you know what? I'm a better person for it. It gave me the space to step back and look at her as a whole, and I know I don't like or want to be that kind of person.

For reasons I truly don't understand, lately mother seems to think we're buddies. We're not and we won't be. She'd been so nasty and abusive via text for several years that I eventually blocked her - after that every phone call devolved into her relentless complaints and demands for "answers" as to why I blocked her. THIS, this right here is why, mother!! We had that conversation too many times, and eventually I laid it out that I'll allow texts but if she goes back to the previous ugliness I'll cut her off and never look back. So far, she's not been awful. More often than not now she will text some random something and I'll respond briefly. She gets brief non-committal answers, but she never calls or answers her phone when I call anymore. This, after years of demanding that I was destroying the only line of communication we had ... never mind that she just wanted her way. It wasn't about keeping in touch with me at all. I know this now.

Severely limiting contact works for me because neither of us are interested, and I don't even try to pretend anymore, not for anyone. I don't like her, but neither do I have that burning teeth-gritting response to her anymore. There's just nothing there other than a very mild sense of obligation to be polite.

[SunnyMeadow]

Severely limiting contact works for me because neither of us are interested, and I don't even try to pretend anymore, not for anyone. I don't like her, but neither do I have that burning teeth-gritting response to her anymore. There's just nothing there other than a very mild sense of obligation to be polite.

This seems like a healthy place to be, I hope I get this this point.

[GettingOOTF]

I was vvlc with my father for about a year. Phone only and at work so I had an out if I needed. The calls were less than 10 minutes.

My experience was that it taught him how to condense abuse into much shorter timeframes. In more than one occasion he made me cry at work. I eventually went NC.

I don't think it can "work" in that it gets them to treat you better, it's more that it works in limiting your exposure.

I really wanted LC to work. For I thought that some time away would cause my family to reflect on their ways, to treat me better when they did speak to me. That was not what happened.

[freedom77]

I echo the same. NC is the only contact that works for me. My BPD/N mother will abuse me in one minute, or one hour, however much I allow her to have. She is very malignantly abusive, and wastes no time going for the jugular given the opportunity. She is a malignant covert N, showing her true colors only to me. She paints herself the victim to the outside world.
Andeza says it perfectly...contact isn't what they want, abuse opportunities is what they want. And of course, the more the better.  Adria is right, any contact usually leaves us in a bad place with any healing we've accomplished unraveled.  GettingOOTF makes a perfect point that abusers quickly learn to utilize their limited opportunities to hurt us, sabotage us, keep us in the FOG.

IME it would never be enough for my mother. She's an "I want it all" kinda gal. Like that song by Queen. She has a very demanding tone. She wants it all, and she wants it NOW. When I tried VLC in the past, it never worked because she was indignant and insulted (what else is new?) that I would dare suggest such an idea. It only fueled her rage, and fostered more harsh abuse toward me. It also seemed to fuel her obsessive nature, the more I attempt LC or VLC, the more she'd demand more, a merry-go-round of crazy. Thus, why NC is the only option that works for me. 

Even now at NC she continues to send scores of text messages that go in the blocked box, almost daily emails that go in the spam folder, sometimes a dozen in one day! The cruelty, harshness and untruths in her messages can be astonishing. We've been back to NC four months today.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

Mglow, Freedom77, GettingOOTF - Thank you for sharing your stories and thoughts. What you mention really strikes a chord in my heart. I too would only call my parents at work in order to have an "out", and also I did not want them to ruin my mood on weekends. I could not figure out why they could not just chill out by being in any contact with me at all after I had been NC. Now I see having contact s not about enjoying our company or nourishing a relationship, but instead about having someone to dump on or being consistent supply.

[Spring Butterfly]

This book helped me evaluate what contact would look like for me in my situation.
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=29251.0

For me I had to heal enough to disconnect completely and not in a forced way but to really not care from the inside out.

Contact is as needed and by text or email so I don't hear tone. Occasionally I tried to call but there's always more damage with calls.

Any contact needs to be prepared for and sufficient time allowed after contact for healing. What that means for you depends on where you are in your healing journey.

For now contact is if I think of something I wish to share, mostly things I've read that might be encouraging or about the weather or other neutral topics. Never world news. Never my health or other personal matters. That's not their business or concern. I'm fine, always fine.

[Justme729]

Amount of contact  has varied for me.   NC when it wasn't healthy.   It killed me.  I wanted nothing more than a relationship with her, but I had to heal myself to some degree first.   

When I resumed contact with her, it wasn't a big deal to occasionally text or call.   However, it turned into an expectation that I called everyday on my way home from work and she wanted to know the latest gossip from work, with the kids, or my marriage.   By the time I realized it was happening I didn't know how to break it because she'd call and text "is everything Ok?  Did I make you mad?"   

I was speaking to my therapist about it.  She gave me some great strategies to deal with it.  It also was impacting my marriage.   Covid has been a blessing in disguise because she won't call when I'm at home and she knows I won't call when the kids are around.  When we return to the workplace I am not going to tell her my work schedule so she can't insist on contact.   I've made a few short phone calls and have a few quick escape strategies  when she starts wanting the gossip session.  I

I'll be honest it is very difficult I wish I could just stay with NC, but my mother is the gatekeeper to my grandma.   I adore my grandma and don't want to "punish" her.   

[carrots]

My VLC is via email or letters. I'm not on social media. I would allow phone calls only in an emergency and FOO now respects that. I live in a different country from FOO - that's certainly helpful.

I've been steadily getting more VLC. I would say it works in that it protects me for the most part from FOO's nasty behaviour and has saved me from  going NC, which I don't yet feel capable of, for emotional reasons.  otoh the more I heal and the less contact I have e.g. learning to not reply to emails till I feel ready (which can take weeks), the more I notice how the minor contact I do still have triggers me.

[Sidney37]

VLC "worked" for me such that PDm is  so furious about any decrease in contact (daily contact, fully enmeshed, knowing everything I do and every thought I have) that she stopped speaking to me entirely.   I say I'm NC with PDM but she's made no effort.  I'm NC if she tries to contact me, but she won't. 

I will say that I'm VVVLC with EnD.  I haven't blocked his cell phone number on my phone.   That's the only number not blocked.   He calls around holidays, checks in for a few minutes.  If he has time, he'll ask if I'm going to talk to my mother yet and I say no.   Usually she walks in on his forbidden call with me before he had time to ask. He pretends I'm someone else or a vendor from his former job.  He then tells me he's not interested and hangs up on me!  He's clearly afraid of her reaction. 

[Starboard Song]

VLC "worked" for me such that PDm is  so furious about any decrease in contact (daily contact, fully enmeshed, knowing everything I do and every thought I have) that she stopped speaking to me entirely.   I say I'm NC with PDM but she's made no effort.  I'm NC if she tries to contact me, but she won't. 

That's actually what happened to us. I'm not alone!

[newlife33]

no