Has VLC worked for anyone?

[lotusblume]

That was my experience as well, any amount of contact left me in a bad place. I was calling once a month, then decided the phone works both ways. So she started calling once a month, always moaning that I should call her more. That I never call. Asking repeatedly if everything in my life was okay, even though I consistently assured her that I was working insane hours. Eventually that lead to her trotting out the old "I know you've got your own life" nonsense. It was always an accusation, arugula hidden, but one nonetheless.

So I went NC. Because now, finally, I have some peace. I assume she is continuing to live her life, acting just as pathetic as ever, and probably hasn't told a soul. I'd be willing to bet, that despite the email explaining why, if confronted she would devolve into tears and swear she doesn't know why I don't speak to her.

In my experience, they will always sabotage attempts at vlc because it's not what they want. They want the old status quo. Anything less than the opportunity to abuse us like they always have just doesn't render the same satisfaction.

I just posted about my mother and trying some form of low contact after a confrontation. She literally acted like the whole extremely profound and emotional, relationship changing (for me) thing never happened, except for being slightly less intrusive (for a minute). Then the games began, once I was responding to her in a LC way instead of NC. (I won't hijack the post, you can read about it a couple of posts ago).

I actually want LC in a lot of ways. I want a cordial, normal, non-guilt-deafeningly- loud manipulation and hurt feelings. I still get affected by my parents lack of empathy towards me and the blame they project my way. More than that, the feeling that the weight of the entire relationship with not just my parents, but the whole foo rests on my shoulders. It is a heavy burden to carry, all that false guilt and shame. I despise it. Everyday, despite trying hard to let it go, it's in the back of my mind, while I'm having fun, it's a voice that tells me, "you are not allowed to enjoy yourself if your mother/father are unhappy. Go fix the relationship."

So when I have NC, I feel less like the scab is ripped off the wound and more detached. I actually feel less guilty the more I get away, but when I go LC and come closer, I feel loads of guilt, which makes me think it's best to stay away and deal with that lingering guilt problem, which leads me to feel guilty.

 

[sandpiper]

VLC worked for a while. I did it to try to maintain some relationships that I knew would be out of my reach if I didn't tolerate some contact. That was phone calls once a month and social interaction a couple of times a year.
I probably managed for about 20 years but it was stressful and in hindsight I wish I'd moved to the other side of the country and made myself much less accessible to FOO. I've been NC for over a decade and it's the best thing I could have done. Peace, serenity, room for good people in my life, I'm not constantly stressed by playing zookeeper at the mad hatter's ball...I have a life.
I think you have to work out what your endgame is. Mine was to hold on until the kids in my life were old enough to be independent of the parents and make their own decisions. Just for myself, because I was so isolated by the PD stuff when I was a kid, I could not have completely walked away without having a relationship with the kids in my family circle. Most of them have gone down the rabbit hole with their mothers but hey, I tried. I developed a good skill set along the way and I learned so much and benefitted from some amazing people at these boards.
I think you have to be aware of when you need to let go to protect yourself, though. I hung on for way too long & for the first few years after NC, I felt like I'd been sucked under in the leach pond. They can do a lot of damage. You have to save yourself from that.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

More than that, the feeling that the weight of the entire relationship with not just my parents, but the whole foo rests on my shoulders. It is a heavy burden to carry, all that false guilt and shame. I despise it. Everyday, despite trying hard to let it go, it's in the back of my mind, while I'm having fun, it's a voice that tells me, "you are not allowed to enjoy yourself if your mother/father are unhappy. Go fix the relationship."

 

Thanks to all for sharing your experiences on this topic. All that is stated here I so much relate to. It does indeed seem they throw the weight of the relationship with the entire FOO onto our shoulders, then just stand back. To say it is unfair is an understatement. I do not know how any parent would let that happen instead of leading the way to a better course, but they do not. I wonder if it is just the sad reality of how the dysfunction that brought us to VLC or NC continues to play out.

[newlife33]

Peace, serenity, room for good people in my life, I'm not constantly stressed by playing zookeeper at the mad hatter's ball...I have a life.

This! Well said.

[Pinkos]

The short answer is no. I broke NC after 5 years earlier this year, and pretty much my experience has been the same as everyone else's in this thread. My sense was that any kind of contact that asserts my humanity is viewed as an affront. They view my need for boundaries/personal space as me trying to control them. So every interaction is turned into an opportunity by them to re-establish control. To put me in my place. So lots of passive aggressive behavior. They turn it into tug of war and it's easy to get sucked into playing that futile game. I even started to feel like maybe I AM trying to control them. Maybe I am the ONE that's playing games and they're forced to respond in kind. The ruminations gets old very fast. As does their constant attempts to switch me back into my old caretaker role.

The only reason I broke NC was because I was triggered by my landlord and was experiencing an intense emotional flashback. I felt and knew it was a mistake as I picked up the phone and pressed my father's name on my phone. I knew it as I heard his saccharine voice. I knew it as I blabbered about my housing issues.

But once I opened that door, I felt I had to at least try VLC. My guilt wouldn't allow me to just shut the door back again after I had somewhat recovered from my flashback. I also felt doing so would give them the satisfaction of being able to "prove" that it was me all along who was overemotional and cruel. I reassured myself that enough time had passed and I was in a much stronger place so I could handle them. That they wouldn't affect me that much - I wouldn't let them.

Ha!! Now I'm sitting here thinking to myself 'oh Pinkos, you sweet, sweet little fool!' 

It was a nice dream while it lasted. The dream that I could always go back "home." The dream that time would change them and change our relationship. That I could be a superwoman and be invulnerable to them. I was reminded that a lot of this healing work is also about getting real with ourselves about our own limitations.

And honestly, my version of VLC was calling every 3 weeks, which is not really even "low" let alone "very low."

[UglyLove666]

Not for me.

I thought fading out would work but it seems like the more I distance, the more MIL and her flying monkeys attempt to inch closer. The hoovering started up after only several weeks of peace. So I realize I have to go NC while DH stays VLC.

Once I blocked IL's phone numbers I became keenly aware of how hypervigilant I have been for so long. (Now when my phone chimes I don't go into one of the 4F modes. Incredible!)

My DH is going to send an email to his family (he's medium chill for the most part already) with some kind of wording about communication "go through him only".  I'll probably start a new thread to ask for advice.