Triangles! yes- the foundational story for my situation

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anotherroad

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Triangles! yes- the foundational story for my situation
« on: June 05, 2020, 01:05:54 AM »
Hi- I read the Triangle thread on this page, but didn't want to side track anything.
My partner aka SM and his ex aka MV
MV has basically been stalking me for 5 years- sending letters and books. I did not file a letter of no trespass because there are children (Teens) involved
I have everything documented, reported to my employer, because she even came in for services weekly for a 6 months... coinsidence, I think not- but there you go
Here is the kicker- she has told her children I am harassing her and also has 'proof'.
My partner had a relationship with another women for 5 years before I met him and this same thing happened to her- but worse. MV would show up were they were and quietly harass them in public. MY partner shared this behavior with me.
We where on our third date- when she showed up on our date and confronted me called me names and accused me of stealing her man. I clarified my understanding of her statement and clarified status and she walked off. I told my partner- she has your email passwords or credit card info- she knew we would be here.
She has told SM that as long as he was with me the kids would never accept him or me- as so it goes...
They share responsibilities for kids schooling and loans and a rental property- financial ties! SO she has legitimate reasons to call- but she also demands he maintain the home she raised her kids in. That issue is difficult for me- especially when SM report when he showed up to fix the fence he could here loud sex... or pick up the gift his daughter sent at the arranged 4:00... more loud sex. I  think she sets him up to be...offended? aware?
She also calls, texts or emails when ever she wants for what ever reason she wants-
I have been patient, I am done- I need help understanding this behavior and how to set realistic boundaries- for a secondary relationship
Thank you
Anotherroad

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PeanutButter

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Re: Triangles! yes- the foundational story for my situation
« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2020, 03:31:27 AM »
Welcome
 I know others will be here soon to weigh in with their own experiences.
 I thankfully dont have many.
 We live in a different state / city than mil and H's ex. My H's ex should not have even known where I worked yet there she was walking past me several times.
 I think my mil told her. My mil also showed up at my work a couple of weeks before that. It was on the same day of the week and same time of day as the ex's 'visit'. Mil and ex are similarly npd.
 I no longer work there and Ive told H he is not to tell mil any info about me any more.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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anotherroad

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Re: Triangles! yes- the foundational story for my situation
« Reply #2 on: June 05, 2020, 06:47:04 PM »
MV knows were I work- and I have recently changed positions and work 50 miles away from her. She stalks, spies... she seems to know everything. I blocked her from everything asap (5 years ago) and deleted FB friends that might have any connection to her, FB to little more then family.
The financial ties are  difficult to manage... P stated this morning, "It just easier to have the account"- but she has such a strong sense of ownership. I requested full disclosure of legal and financial ties and how they are managed. P said he would share
My gut asks my P- "What's in it for you?" On every level... he scoffs at the question. I've even tried to have a "What's in it for you?" conversation as a social motivator- that everyone has motivators... there is a something I'm not recognizing. I know he is a rescuer- which might be what it is for him... what is FOG the acronym for? He rescues me and I shared my concerns about that frequently. He does so much for her and she is never happy and when something is complete she finds something else and recruits the children... if you cared about us you would...and help mom. (the hook)
I  am just stuck. I have suggested- "I'll answer the phone or text- she is texting into my home- and say hello- as a typical person would- become an actual person to her and let her know...hold on I'll get him or he's out back, what ever. He believes she is one step ahead of me and will say  I am creating a barrier.
I don't know this woman- have spent a maximum of 10 minutes with her. If she sees me in public- I don't see her- she will report to my P that I am harassing her.
I hope my little rants triggers something for you all- Thank you!

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PeanutButter

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Re: Triangles! yes- the foundational story for my situation
« Reply #3 on: June 06, 2020, 11:07:19 AM »
Wow that so disturbing.

 I agree that his continued ties to her may be encouraging some of it.

 I guess he has never asked her to stop bothering you? It probably would enrage her anyway.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Triangles! yes- the foundational story for my situation
« Reply #4 on: June 06, 2020, 12:56:39 PM »
Iím sorry you are going through this. It sounds stressful. Iím being stalked and harassed by my ex husband. Itís not nearly as relentless as what you are describing and I battle with it. Knowing heís out there puts a cloud over everything.

When your partner says ďitís just easierĒ what he means is that itís easier for HIM. Itís very clearly not easier for you. He has choices here. He may not like them but he has them and he consistently chooses his ex.

My experience is that when we are in these relationships things seem normal that really arenít acceptable under other circumstances. It may feel normal to him, but is it fair on you?

It sounds like your partner hasnít fully left the relationship with is ex. He is getting something out of this or heíd make changes to protect you, himself and his relationship. Itís telling that he lost one relationship over it and didnít address the issue before getting into a second. 5 years is a very long time and itís 10 if you count his last relationship. He may really enjoy having two women essentially constantly fight over him, he may love drama, he may still be being intimate with his ex. What ever it is he is getting some benefit from it or heíd stop it. I battled a lot with codependency and was a drama addict for many years. I was a rescuer too and I took pride in my suffering to help others. This may be your partner too.

She may well be battling mental health issues or he may well be encouraging her. Heís certainly not doing anything to discourage her. To me it seems like he is the problem here, not her.

You arenít going to be able to change either of them. In these situations Iíve found it best to put down boundaries. One of mine is you cannot have any relationship with me if you have one with my ex. I lost a lot of people over that but the quality of my life improved. The Toolbox has information on boundaries.

I think you need to take a hard, objective look at your partner and how much he actually values your relationship. There are things he can do to take care of his kids as well keep you safe and protected from his ex. He chooses not to. And itís always a choice. People have a choice in every single situation. It feels like we donít when we donít like the choices.  Sheís HIS ex. Itís his responsibility to his kids, you and your relationship to fix this issue. Itís not yours to fix.

When his kids accuse him of not caring he could explain to them how he does care etc. It his responsibility as their parent to help his kids navigate difficult situations and relationships. Instead he is modeling to his kids that unreasonable and demanding behavior wins, he is teaching the to emotionally guilt others to get what they want. He is teaching them that you donít have a place in his life.  Itís likely also confusing for the kids to see their parents together in so many ways but still separated. All kids on some level wish their parents would get back together.

Is he on an on line support board asking for help? No heís not, you are. Thatís very telling to me. 

At some point in my marriage I started asking myself if my exes behavior was acceptable to me, if this was the life I wanted to live. I decided to wasnít and I left.  Many decide to stay. I think itís very important that we accept that we cannot change others and that rather than hoping things will change we take steps to change them. For me that meant leaving the marriage.

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anotherroad

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Re: Triangles! yes- the foundational story for my situation
« Reply #5 on: June 20, 2020, 01:02:51 PM »
Thank you.
Everything you stated has turned in my mind, over and over again... well, since the beginning. The voice is only getting louder.
... they don't seem to have he cuss word emoji...!
Sigh.