another part of the story

[mcmlxxix]

I'm getting tired of all the effects that have built up.  My marriage has gone down the tubes.  My mom has been putting stuff in my husband's head.  She's what Lundy Bancroft calls a water torturer and she basically puts subtle drips in the bucket to overflow.  If you try to point out the bucket being about to overflow, then she points out the most recent drop while trying to tell you to ignore the bucket.  She's always threatening to make me look crazy.  She takes advantage of the way women are perceived for not being soft spoken, and as well takes advantage of her own soft-spokenness.  Now my husband is judging me for the things I didn't have the opportunity to do.  It seems that people don't want to get to know me.  I'm an introvert and have trouble taking initiative sometimes.  I'm trying to be self-taught on the things I should have learned growing up, but my motivation is about one half the time or so.  Anyway, this is awful.

[TwentyTwenty]

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.

I can understand why you are tired of this sort of damaging behavior.. and then to think that your husband is now leaning into that narrative as well, adding to your judgment..

At some point, I think you have to be willing to ask yourself: how much damage are you willing to take from anyone, regardless of their relationship to you, and then what are you willing to do to make it stop.

At some point, I stopped giving a sh!t about what anyone anywhere thought of me, and went into self-preservation mode.

Once I rid myself of each and every damaging person, my whole life improved considerably and I became a happy joyful person.

[mcmlxxix]

It's more the implementation.  I had confidence in my intelligence and abilities, but the psychiatric junk my mom had me on took away my attention span, so now I'm stuck with transcripts that don't reflect who I am, my intelligence, my competency, or my work ethic even at the time.  Even teachers acknowledged my competency but insisted on grading me on the ability to fit into the cookie cutter of last century, which I couldn't do on the pills.  I spent decades believing the myth that if I knew something about myself it didn't matter whether others knew.  It's a common belief among people born later than a certain time period, but I feel I missed a lot of opportunities because of it.  At the same time, I don't feel that my worth depends on my doing superficial things.  My husband flips out about clutter but won't do anything to make things look the way he claims he wants them.  He does well on the job but otherwise expects everything to be handed to him on a silver platter.  I can't do a task in front of others because I come under scrutiny, which doesn't do any favors for my "auto pilot" either.  I wish I had the freedom to form patterns. 

[TwentyTwenty]

So, if it were me personally, I'd put some space between my family and my mom.

I'd cut her off until she started having acceptable behavior and conversation, and let her know why. Doesn't matter if she likes or agreed, placing a reasonable boundary to stop harming your family with disinformation and lies is in your control.

You alone control how much or little sh!t you are willing to accept into your family from her.

Next, If my spouse can only tolerate a certain amount of clutter, then I'd point out that the clutter level is a threshold that YOU have to deal with, and if it isn't acceptable to YOU then YOU should change it until it becomes acceptable to YOU - if it bothered ME then I'd be doing something about it myself.

What if my spouse decides she can't stand spots on the windows, and needs them completely clear and sparkling? Should I go start cleaning windows every day? No, she should.

When you say you can't do a task without coming under 'scrutiny' I think you are saying 'being criticized'.

Why are you OK with allowing critical or negative thinking g people to influence you?  It is poison, and you will of course feel the negative effects of negative people that try to load that onto you.

We have an 8ish yr old daughter. When she did something that my wife couldn't stand, my wife would say 'Stop doing that, you're acting like a baby."

I pulled my wife aside, and said 'Do not ever tell her she's a baby, or like a baby, or anything to do with a baby, because it is belittling. She's one of the smartest 8 yr olds that I have ever seen, and you are overly critical and wrong to put in her head that she's anything other than a smart 8 yr old. Instead, explain how to do that thing better by ENCOURAGING her in the right path, but not criticizing her that way.

I personally 100% reject negative critical thinkers, and a also do not allow that sh!t from anyone in my home.