Sad. Coping ideas?

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Amadahy

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Sad. Coping ideas?
« on: June 05, 2020, 04:09:29 PM »
Hi, y'all,

As I said in another post, N mom has, after many falls, gone into a very nice rehab facility and will transition to long term care, probably in a week or so.  This is a huge, huge blessing and things have worked out really well, so I am profoundly grateful for that.  I am in contact with her, pretty MC because it's all I can muster and her advancing dementia necessitates surface-y topics, over and over.

Today, I finished cleaning out her apartment and tying up business (cancelling utilities, etc).  I find myself extremely sad.  I think it *is* sad that N mom has wasted so many years being horrible and splitting family up (as well as nearly destroying me), but I think I also feel sad as a remnant of the co-dependency I've tried so long to heal.  On some level, I feel it's my fault or I'm responsible for mom needing nursing home care. Rationally, I know this is not true, but it's that ingrained dysfunction bubbling up.  I also feel very young and vulnerable, so I know I'm in emotional flashback.

Has anyone experienced similar? If so, how did you cope?  I know time will help, but I already feel so stressed with quitting my difficult job, COVID-19 worries and the state of the world that it's just almost too much.  I appreciate ideas and insight.  Thank you.  :hug:
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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Psuedonym

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Re: Sad. Coping ideas?
« Reply #1 on: June 05, 2020, 04:58:55 PM »
Ugh, Amadahy,

I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. I've done it multiple times, when my dad died, and then through three of uPD M's moves. I think doing this stuff for anyone is draining and stressful, doing it for someone with a PD makes it a hundred times worse. I think if you're like me, and you felt like the only adult in the relationship, you feel like a million pounds of responsibility is weighing down on you. And if you did it by yourself, which I did and it sounds like you did, its incredibly isolating. First off, I think you should let yourself feel really sad. If you haven't had a good cry, maybe have a good cry.You'll feel better after. Realize the guilt you are feeling is false guilt; it's just a feeling and its a knee jerk reaction rather than a genuine emotion. Then I'd just do something fun, I can't tell you how many times watching a stupid movie when I'm feeling very stressed has cheered me up. Or listen to some music real loud and eat some junk food. Know that you are through the worst of it, and that you'll begin to feel better soon.

Also know that you're not alone, and if you feel like venting, we're here!

 :bighug:

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practical

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Re: Sad. Coping ideas?
« Reply #2 on: June 11, 2020, 02:11:08 PM »
Really sorry you have to deal with this. I think it is normal and healthy to feel sad. Even if your M would have been a loving person this would be a sad occasion, even more so in this case because clearing out her apartment is another confirmation you'll never have the mother you deserved, which overlays the other sadness.

Going for walks, gardening, journaling, those are the thinks that have helped me deal with this kind of sadness, and accepting that I have every right and reason to be sad. Also trying to be present with my inner child.

Wishing you all the best and hoping your life will reach a state of calmness again soon.
:bighug:
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Adrianna

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Re: Sad. Coping ideas?
« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2020, 09:31:40 PM »
Yes I went through this and I was quite surprised that I did. The first night in long term care I was there with her clothes, belongings, to sign papers, etc. and felt an overwhelming sadness. She looked so fragile and old in bed that night, so helpless and afraid. Of course we had reached a point where I honestly could barely be around her due to her increasing verbal abuse. On top of her pd, she has dementia. When I went to see her that night, she said in an obvious disappointed tone, oh, its you. We sat in silence then she started bossing around the janitor telling him to get her a drink. Which he did not do since it wasnt his job. In her mind if youre standing there youd better be doing something for her. Shes no longer at that home and went to one much more suited for her where she is now. Driving home from that place I found myself in tears. I always thought shed die at home so never thought she would end up in a home. I dont have those feelings anymore and they were short lived. When she was moved to where she is now I visited to sign papers and she ripped me to shreds, told me to go to h***, said I put her there to die, I got exactly what I wanted, etc. just vicious stuff. I had worked my ass off to get her into that home as the other one discharged her with short warning. I took 2 days off work to find another place. I was already drained. I didnt feel as bad leaving that night. Honestly I dont feel bad anymore because shes being cared for and there are people around so if shes lonely even now thats on her. Wherever she goes, there she is. She really is her own worst enemy.

As a reminder, shes 98.
Practice an attitude of gratitude.