My neighbor, my stalker

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BreakAway

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My neighbor, my stalker
« on: June 06, 2020, 04:34:15 PM »
I have NPD parents and I usually spend more time in that part of the forum. But I am realizing that my N neighbor has me in her clutches and that is driving me way more crazy than my FOO who are out of state.

This neighbor decided I was her new "bestie" when they moved across the street 13 years ago. (Yes, I have endured that long.) I honestly can't imagine why because we truly have nothing in common. She has to know what I am doing and that kind of intrusiveness really rubs me the wrong way. In fact, when she calls and I say "hello" she replies with "What are you doing?" -- am I wrong to find that offensive? I have tried to break her of that by replying "why are you asking?" or something similar, and it does help for awhile. But then she is back on it.

If she gets a new piece of furniture, I must come over to "ooo and ahhh" over it (I could honestly care less). In fact, if we did not come over at least once a week, we were "avoiding them". If she sees a car parked outside she needs to know who it is (half the time it is someone for next door and we didn't even notice the car there.) If we have out of town friends come to visit us, she wants to come over and meet them. If I go out for an evening, she must know where and with whom.

This Covid thing has been a blessing for me, quite frankly, because we don't have to go over or have them come over. And since we are mostly at home by ourselves, she can't give us the third degree everyday.

She also exaggerates or just flat out lies about almost everything. It is just exhausting to have a conversation with her. I don't believe what she is saying, but if I challenge her she gets horribly defensive and difficult. 

But overall, I am trying to set more boundaries with her. I don't pick up her calls if I am busy or simply not in a mood to deal with her. When she texts complaints about the other neighbors (we live in a cul de sac) or some news event thing, I don't respond right away and then I just kind of say "oh well", "this to shall pass" or whatever. I am hoping these things will also stick when things open back up again and I can't use Covid as an excuse.

Has anyone else had a neighbor like this?

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hhaw

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Re: My neighbor, my stalker
« Reply #1 on: June 07, 2020, 03:19:43 AM »
Breakaway:

If you can sit quietly and breathe deeply for a bit..... pay attention to the colors and shapes around you.... what do you smell?  What do you feel underneath you?  Can you feel the spaciousness above, beside and beneath you?  Peripheral vision is very important... what do you see in your peripheral vision? 

Now.... draw up above yourself, and look down on the situation without judgment..... shift into observer mode.... get some spaciousness between the situation and yourself..... get your nose off the pebble, as they say.....

imagine a good friend in your situation, maybe. 

Can you SEE it?

What advice would you give that very good friend about coping with a neighbor like yours?

You can't control your neighbor.  You can only control yourself and your responses.

It sounds like you're reactive around her, bc she's pressing in all the time. 

Whatever you do, assume the neighbor is struggling, dependent on her relationship with you and unlikely to deal with change in a positive manner. 

That's OK.  Her reactions are her own. 

You aren't responsible for her feelings.  You don't have to fix her, help her, make her feel OK every day or any day, for that matter.

You don't have to explain anything, btw. 

You can say NO... you can say not right now... you can say you're dealing with something that's going to take all your attention for a while.  You can say you won't be replying to texts for a while.  You can tell her whatever you need to tell her, and it's OK.  I suggest speaking with compassion, but you have a right to advocate for yourself. 

The friend doesn't have to like it, approve of it, give her permission for you to change the parameters of the relationship.  All relationships are renegotiated on an ongoing basis.  That's the way relationships work.

IME, those feelings you have... of frustration, annoyance,  being cornered... they're telling you something isn't working.  You need to make a move...... make a change to bring balance back into your life.   You deserve balance and ease and more joy.

Most the time in my life... feelings like this point to something I haven't fully accepted. 

What, in this situation for you, is it you might not be accepting?  This is rhetorical, and if you want to answer here,  you certainly may.   

Think about it. 

You don't have to live like this.  You don't have to feel this way.

Breathe. 

Embrace tsunamis of non-judgmental curiosity and self-compassion.

Good luck.






hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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clara

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Re: My neighbor, my stalker
« Reply #2 on: June 07, 2020, 12:39:46 PM »
My (likely NPD) SIL is that person.  She attaches herself to neighbors or others she's only casually acquainted with and becomes their "best friend" in very quick order.  Interestingly, she doesn't bother with my FOO in the same way because we know her too well, are familiar with her narc behaviors and have repeatedly seen her "true" self so she relies on these other people for her narc supply.  Then we get to hear all about her "friends" and what great times they're having together etc. when in reality she could care less about any of them and would exchange them in an instant (and has) as soon as the supply is no longer forthcoming.

NPDs need supply.  If you don't give it to them, they move on because this need is almost like breathing.  You've been catering to this woman for 13 years, you're not happy about it, but she's managed to control you throughout all this time because NPDs have lots of experience doing this.  That's their advantage--they hook you and keep you hooked because they're so well practiced.  hhaw's advice is spot on--you need to examine and change your response to her.  You need to break the pattern that she's come to expect, and it sounds like you're onto a good start.  Don't feel bad about your response  because you need to remember, you entered into the relationship honestly.  She's the one with the agenda.  You didn't expect to become involved with an NPD but it happened and, well, you made a mistake many of us have made.  It's a learning curve but if what I've seen happen with my SIL is any indication, she loses interest in others as soon as they lose interest in her.