Malignant BPD sister playing the pity card after years of abuse and NC

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magenta22

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I’m feeling very sad and lonely today.
 Why oh why did I have to be born in an NPD family system.  My friends all have good enough families that support them and love them unconditionally while me….. I got dysfunction. I will always be an orphan; I have no family.

I have been NC for 4 years from my NPD mom and had to do the same with my BPD malignant sister. Before I moved to a new city 5 years ago, they both made all to sabotage me and make things very difficult for me. You see my sister is kind of “fused” with NPD mom which is very sad being that she was also treated as a scapegoat. I say malignant sister because she has a dark history with me, one would think that since we were both treated as scape goats we could have been allies and friends but no, all she does is talk badly of me behind my back to other family members, mind you I know of this because said family members have told me so. She is 7 years older than me and has chosen to behave badly many times influenced by NPD mother. She knows what our mother is, nonetheless she does her bidding.

After realizing what NPD was I went to therapy and was diagnosed with complex PTSD caused by the combined abuse from all members of my family of origin. I was the youngest child and an easy mark. During sessions my therapist told me my sister was jealous of me! I could not believe it, after all, I did have nothing to be jealous for, I’m no great beauty, I don’t have money, I receive no especial treatment, in my opinion my life is a sea of tears…. who would be jealous of me? But my T told me that all the lashing out at me was because she was jealous that I managed to leave NPD mom (she still lives with her), that I tried to become independent and that I had friends (this is totally insane, but I always wondered why she was so angry every time that I had friends over the house as a child, we never bothered her, we played in the garden)….so apparently that was the reason she mistreated me. I still have trouble believing this kind of thinking.

After 4 years of no contact my NPD mom left a message with a third party to “show to me” in this message she said that the “only ache in her soul was not to see me before she died” when it was she who started no contact. So I find it funny that only a week after getting this drama queen message my BPD sis sends a similar one about how “this silence is hurting her soul”. Notice the word “soul” used by both, they never speak this way to anyone, they never speak about the soul…It sound completely fake, so unlikely themselves it’s like a recycled script they saw in a soap opera.  How do they love putting on a show.
This is to guilt me back in their circle of drama and cruelty or they probably need something from me.
This is so sad…..Does any of you have to deal with this  and how do you deal emotionally with it ?

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guitarman

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Abusers are all about power and control. That seems to sum up my life with my uBPD/NPD sister.

Your sister and mother need someone to abuse. They are upset that you are no longer around for them to abuse. That is what they are missing. They aren't concerned about you at all, they are only concerned about themselves. You no longer play their game. You don't want to get hoovered back in. Unfortunately, they won't ever change. I think many of us still continue to hold onto the misguided belief that somehow our loved ones will change. We have hope that they will change. It is hope that keeps us in contact only to be abused over and over again. We need to calmly let them go and accept that they won't ever change and that we can't change them. We can only change ourselves.

The ache in their soul is their emptiness of not having someone to abuse. That is what they are missing. It is their pain, not yours. Only they can end that pain, not you. They will never have any insight into all the pain and suffering they have caused you. They just can't do it. You do not have to feed their narcissistic supply.

We need to put our own happiness and wellbeing first.  We no longer need to feel guilty for looking after ourselves.

My inner child keeps saying that I need to keep in contact with my sister. My adult self says that I've done more than enough for her and that I need to protect myself from further abuse and need to stay away. I need to be kind to myself.

It may be lonely for you without your family of origin but you will find happiness with your new family of choice with friends who will treat you with love and respect. They will not harm you.

« Last Edit: June 09, 2020, 05:51:38 AM by guitarman »
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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Blueberry Pancakes

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I agree with Guitarman. My N mom is very fused with my N sister too. I understand how this dynamic with two individuals can render you feeling alone and as if you have no voice. One thing I noticed in your description of their messages to you is that they refer only to what they need, their pain, their soul, wanting to see you before Nmom dies, etc. I have noticed my family never leaves messages about my needs. It makes me think they are revealing that their same behaviors that caused me to go NC are still very present. Reach out if you want, but likely the same old things will still happen.   
Since you are currently NC, there is no reason to respond to these latest messages. You can continue to stay the course you are on. It can be difficult and triggering to hear their messages. Refocus your energies on your own health and well being. You do not owe it to anyone to sacrifice anything you are in order to accommodate their need.   

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lotusblume

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Magenta, you deal with it emotionally by understanding it, 100%. Among other things. If you don’t fully understand it, it will haunt you.

That takes time. Guitarman, I totally agree., “Your sister and mother need someone to abuse. They are upset that you are no longer around for them to abuse. That is what they are missing. They aren't concerned about you at all, they are only concerned about themselves. You no longer play their game. You don't want to get hoovered back in. Unfortunately, they won't ever change. I think many of us still continue to hold onto the misguided belief that somehow our loved ones will change. We have hope that they will change. It is hope that keeps us in contact only to be abused over and over again. We need to calmly let them go and accept that they won't ever change and that we can't change them. We can only change ourselves.”

Everything that you say here is 100 percent correct.

Magenta, I am the scapegoat of my family. After two years of realizing it, heinous scapegoating ramp-up and smear campaigns, I keep going back, trying to bargain.

With my malignant npd sister, I finally confronted her, just to show myself I wasn’t afraid of her anymore. She backed down and crawled away, and she won’t be coming back for a long time. I put the mirror in her face.

With my brother, I kept going through the same pattern. He was the “good” sibling. I was splitting them. He was actually abusive in similar ways to your sister. I gave into his Hoover yesterday and paid the price. Like guitarman said, he did not miss me, he just missed abusing me. He lured me in by playing the nice card, and quickly turned around and blamed, abused and gaslighted me, dragging me into a toxic mess and triggering my scapegoat instincts to fawn, therapize, try to save him, and also defend myself. It’s not worth it. He trampled all over me, abused me and discarded me.

He thinks I am the problem. I am the scapegoat, will always be. Everything he says, that I am hateful and hurtful, is actually about himself. Master of projection. He puts all his ugly shit on me and plays the victim, and lashes out at me, feels relief, and I feel physically sick, and turn around and create conflicts with my spouse to try to resolve the shit by my own unhealthy projection. It’s not worth it.

I actually think he wants me dead. What your therapist says makes sense. These people want you around to abuse, it gives them relief. It is sick. I am done forever.

I hope you find the courage to understand. It is not pretty. I hope you do not seek more abuse, like I did, just to keep “learning”.

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lotusblume

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Abusers are all about power and control. That seems to sum up my life with my uBPD/NPD sister.

Your sister and mother need someone to abuse. They are upset that you are no longer around for them to abuse. That is what they are missing. They aren't concerned about you at all, they are only concerned about themselves. You no longer play their game. You don't want to get hoovered back in. Unfortunately, they won't ever change. I think many of us still continue to hold onto the misguided belief that somehow our loved ones will change. We have hope that they will change. It is hope that keeps us in contact only to be abused over and over again. We need to calmly let them go and accept that they won't ever change and that we can't change them. We can only change ourselves.

The ache in their soul is their emptiness of not having someone to abuse. That is what they are missing. It is their pain, not yours. Only they can end that pain, not you. They will never have any insight into all the pain and suffering they have caused you. They just can't do it. You do not have to feed their narcissistic supply.

We need to put our own happiness and wellbeing first.  We no longer need to feel guilty for looking after ourselves.

My inner child keeps saying that I need to keep in contact with my sister. My adult self says that I've done more than enough for her and that I need to protect myself from further abuse and need to stay away. I need to be kind to myself.

It may be lonely for you without your family of origin but you will find happiness with your new family of choice with friends who will treat you with love and respect. They will not harm you.

Guitarman, I just wanted to say thank you. I have read some of your posts here. You are wise. You have been through a lot. You are strong and good. Thank you for sharing. I saved this whole post in my notes. Your words mean a lot. Thank you.

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magenta22

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Abusers are all about power and control. That seems to sum up my life with my uBPD/NPD sister.

Your sister and mother need someone to abuse. They are upset that you are no longer around for them to abuse.
Thank you Guitarman you're so right ! They miss having someone to abuse and "dump" their negative emotions on, I guess they are trying in tamdem to make me feel the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt ) to reel me in. Surely their N supply is probably scarce at the moment and that is why they are doing this now. I did not answer anything, I will not engage in their drama using a third party. Thank you for helping me see more clearly. :applause:

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magenta22

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One thing I noticed in your description of their messages to you is that they refer only to what they need, their pain, their soul, wanting to see you before Nmom dies, etc. I have noticed my family never leaves messages about my needs. It makes me think they are revealing that their same behaviors that caused me to go NC are still very present. Reach out if you want, but likely the same old things will still happen.   

 Thank you Blueberry Pancakes.
You are correct, they only speak about "their needs" even after several years of NC they do not ask about my wellbeing or apologise for their past actions, there is no regret for what they did to me, to them it is as it never happened.

I will not reach out to people who are fake, who do not care about me, who do not feel remorse…….I think you are right, they will simply abuse me again. I guess that it hurts me to know that I will never have a true family like my friends. I always tell them how lucky they are to have loving parents… to appreciate them, because they are people like us that have to create their families as best as they can because we simply had the bad luck of being born into this dysfunctional families.

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magenta22

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Magenta, you deal with it emotionally by understanding it, 100%. Among other things. If you don’t fully understand it, it will haunt you.

Magenta, I am the scapegoat of my family. After two years of realizing it, heinous scapegoating ramp-up and smear campaigns, I keep going back, trying to bargain.

With my malignant npd sister, I finally confronted her, just to show myself I wasn’t afraid of her anymore. She backed down and crawled away, and she won’t be coming back for a long time. I put the mirror in her face.

With my brother, I kept going through the same pattern. He was the “good” sibling. I was splitting them. He was actually abusive in similar ways to your sister. I gave into his Hoover yesterday and paid the price. Like guitarman said, he did not miss me, he just missed abusing me. He lured me in by playing the nice card, and quickly turned around and blamed, abused and gaslighted me, dragging me into a toxic mess and triggering my scapegoat instincts to fawn, therapize, try to save him, and also defend myself. It’s not worth it. He trampled all over me, abused me and discarded me.

He thinks I am the problem. I am the scapegoat, will always be. Everything he says, that I am hateful and hurtful, is actually about himself. Master of projection. He puts all his ugly shit on me and plays the victim, and lashes out at me, feels relief, and I feel physically sick, and turn around and create conflicts with my spouse to try to resolve the shit by my own unhealthy projection. It’s not worth it.

I actually think he wants me dead. What your therapist says makes sense. These people want you around to abuse, it gives them relief. It is sick. I am done forever.

I hope you find the courage to understand. It is not pretty. I hope you do not seek more abuse, like I did, just to keep “learning”.

Lotusblume, thank you. I'm sorry to hear what you have to deal with. In my case, I have an NPD brother and a BPD sister, she was "the good sibling" to me for many years, even though she was often abusive and cold. It was only when I went to therapy that the veil was lifted slowly until my T made me face the truth.
I'm  horrified that your brother would want you dead, for any healthy person would not wish dead upon anyone, specially a sister.
 My BPD sister probably wants my dead too but in a covert way, so she can inherit what little I have, once I caught her sniffing at what my father left me in his testament…..my NPD is like this too with all family members but he is very open about it, even with our NPD mother, he already had a surveyor to asses my NPD mothers house for when she dies :no: to get the money. 
In your case you have a spouse, you have created a new family, do not let the old dysfunctional one destroy what you have built, but I understand how difficult is to have no "blood family" to turn to, it is so lonely and hard.

I'm glad that I posted on this site for all the comments here have accurately predicted what will happen if I contact them...more heartbreak and a repeat of the abuse.

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guitarman

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Thank you all for your kind comments about my reply. Most of what I wrote about has mainly come from watching videos by Kris Godinez on her YouTube channel. Also I have learnt a lot from years of going to support groups, feedback from this forum, practising Mindfulness, attending lectures, reading books and researching about personality disorders on the internet. It’s not been easy.

Defining my sister now as my abuser and learning about abuse has fundamentally changed my reaction to her behaviour towards me and everyone else.

I fear being drawn back into her life. I need to constantly work on building my self esteem. I say to myself that she is just someone that I used to know. I am learning to calmly let go. It has taken a long time to realise that I cannot change her and that I am not responsible for her life and well-being. I am only responsible for my own.

I am glad to share my experiences and learn that I am not alone. I need to trust others more. We all need to share our stories and support each other, especially at this time. Abuse thrives in darkness. We all need to shine a light on it wherever it occurs. We are not alone.
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author

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JohnSmith

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The answers are very good, thanks all.

As of me I have never been the target of N person but my wife has a N brother and recently it has taken a huge place in our life. Maybe I can explain how my wife deels with her brother attempt to bring her back in the game and resume abuse (she is no contact as well).

From time to time the brother write to her to implore her of coming back (' I need my sister') or through manipulating over family members who pressurize my wife to talk with him again.

Each time, my wife goes through a period of self doubt and fear and question whether going no contact was the right decision,  whether she has the right to abandon him (escape from him), whether she is too selfish...

And each time after thinking it through and discussing with mentor with friends, she always arrive to the same conclusion, that no contact is the only option. Then after a few days she can stop thinking about it all the time, and the she can stio thinking about it sometime, and then she is at peace. Until next time.


So I think it is impossible to avoid these time of doubt and culpability when your N family try to bring you back, and the way to deal emotionally with this is to remember why you went NC in the first time, by discussing with supportive people or coming on this very helpful forum.

Whether or not your sister and mother are sincere is beyond the point. As someone else wrote, they miss abusing you.