Is this okay?

[Saidl]

Hi everyone, I'm a new kid on the block. I'm not sure if joining here is the right or fair way of coping but I want to do better and this might be worth a try. I have an adult sister diagnosed with BPD and although our relationship is more settled than it once was I'm still trying to find the right ways to navigate her emotional issues in a way that doesn't swallow me whole, while also being tolerant and understanding to her. I love my sister. But I think I need some help finding the most healthy ways to love her.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hello and welcome.

Welcome to this forum. There are lots of posts and information here that can help you.
Self awareness and boundaries are two important elements to sibling relationships.

Glad you are here. What are your goals for yourself? What skills do you think you want to grow and become better with?

Trees

[bloomie]

Hi there. Adding a warm welcome to you. There is a great deal of wisdom and help here for you in the conversations on the boards, toolbox above, other media resources and book recommendations.

The forum has helped me gain clarity around troubling behaviors of disordered loved ones and build healthy boundaries and strategies for my relationships. I hope you find your time here supportive and a great help to you.

[vijaykumari]

My perspective comes from my own experience with (probably) having a borderline personality in the past, and having 5 siblings with various issues of their own that prevented them from being supportive. 

What would have helped me would have been more interaction in any form-it didn't need to be anything in particular.  It could have be a card, an answer to a message even brief, whatever the person felt was comfortable.  I did not benefit from specific advice besides "get therapy".  I didn't benefit from their expressions of a lot of emotion because no one in my family is able to express it normally but also I would take it the wrong way or get triggered.  I didn't do well being ignored-when they do talk to me they lecture or cross boundaries or dismiss my feelings.

Good manners (how would you treat a casual acquaintance?) goes a long way because it is kind but also keeps a healthy distance.  If she's angry you could stay quiet, tune in to your own reaction to get a grip on yourself, then maybe give a supporting look. If it's a text say something very well thought out and supportive.  Be careful about emojis-they cause misunderstanding-and say something clear but neutral/helpful in the moment:  what can you do to feel better today? what are you planning today? what is the right next action?  do you need to eat/sleep/get ready for work?  Don't say anything implying that you're better/never struggle, such as "i can't imagine how you feel" or "that sounds so terrible".  Don't try to cheer her up by saying "it's not that bad". 

You can also say, Could we plan a time to talk in person?  What can you do until then?  Sometimes in a bad moment there's nothing to say without things getting worse, but when she feels a little different you can go back and talk it or ask if she wants to talk about it.  If you want to express your own feelings about her actions, it might be easier to wait until the tense moment has passed and approach it gently and empathetically, without making it sound like her problems are somehow super tragic. 

One thing that helped me is "the only thing wrong with you is that you think something is wrong with you".  It doesn't mean I didn't need help.  A friend told me this once and years later a very good analyst told me the same thing.  I was dumb and left therapy, because I totally missed the point!  I needed to talk more about my perception of myself! 

I hope that makes sense.

[PeanutButter]

  .....I did not benefit from specific advice besides "get therapy".  I didn't benefit from their expressions of a lot of emotion because no one in my family is able to express it normally but also I would take it the wrong way or get triggered.  I didn't do well being ignored-when they do talk to me they lecture or cross boundaries or dismiss my feelings.
Good manners (how would you treat a casual acquaintance?) goes a long way because it is kind but also keeps a healthy distance.  If she's angry you could stay quiet, tune in to your own reaction to get a grip on yourself, then maybe give a supporting look. If it's a text say something very well thought out and supportive.  Be careful about emojis-they cause misunderstanding-and say something clear but neutral/helpful in the moment:  what can you do to feel better today? what are you planning today? what is the right next action?  do you need to eat/sleep/get ready for work?  Don't say anything implying that you're better/never struggle, such as "i can't imagine how you feel" or "that sounds so terrible".  Don't try to cheer her up by saying "it's not that bad". 
.....Sometimes in a bad moment there's nothing to say without things getting worse, but when she feels a little different you can go back and talk it or ask if she wants to talk about it.  If you want to express your own feelings about her actions, it might be easier to wait until the tense moment has passed and approach it gently and empathetically, without making it sound like her problems are somehow super tragic.....

[Saidl]

Hey folks. Thanks for your kind welcomes and thoughtful replies. I'm still getting a hang of the forum format so you might have to bear with me a little bit 

@trees, my goals are to become more comfortable and confident in how I express my feelings and boundaries. At the moment I constantly feel like I'm coping the wrong way. During dinner this evening she splashed a full jug of water across the table at me in anger and I just laughed. It infuriates her but I think I do it because it feels better than crying or screaming. I go from being codependent and taking on responsibility for her emotions and problems, to the other extreme (in her words) of being snobby, condescending, 'acting like I don't love or care for her' and 'cutting her out'. I would like to hold onto less anger and resentment towards her. I would like to learn to identify when I've expressed myself in a healthy way, and not see myself through the lens of her reactions. There is so much else to say, always, but I feel like so much of my life has been spent talking about her. I'm so tired of looking and trying, but not finding a way of being different that brings some sense of peace.

@vijaykumari, thanks for sharing your perspective, it's interesting to hear about sibling relationships from a different side! I'm living with my sister in my mum's house during the pandemic so it's more in-person interactions that I'm struggling with at the moment. She certainly gets mad at me for how often I suggest therapy as a solution to things. I think I say it because she's looking for answers and help off me that I can't give. And I love therapy myself haha. Timing is an issue with us, she keeps coming into my room asking to hang out while I'm working for home and when she insists on my attention I can snap at her. She often wants to speak to me about conflicts in her life and looks for reassurance; if I say anything that doesn't validate her point of view she is very triggered. I don't want to act like I think I'm smarter or more mature than her, but this frustration boils up in me, it so hard to just keep quiet.

The incident this evening ... She was angry that our *kind of step-brother* is treating her coldly when she is in my dad's house and that his mother isn't disciplining his behaviour. I was thinking of all the times that she has screamed and roared at us, and what she was like at his age especially. I said something to the effect of 'if you remember what you were going through at that time, maybe you can empathise with him' and BOOM water attack. (I'm compensating with humour again) I think what I said came from my own place of frustration and resentment of her behaviour and a feeling that she was being hypocritical. I ask myself if that urge was self-righteous. But I really really don't know how else I could have been other than a stone wall (I'm kind of familiar with the toolbox term I'm referencing there yes). I want to learn.  It has been really difficult to get my words out here (as anonymous and far from her eyes as possible) but I'm trying to express that in my heart I want to be kinder and I'm posting because this is a form of help that I haven't tried yet. I've had so many counselling sessions talking about our relationship.

In case it gives any additional insight into our dynamic, as I go to press 'post' on this, I have a trademark anxiety case of 'worried about how others reading this will see me' ... It's how I live!!

[PeanutButter]

You have great insight!

What I did to try to stop being reactive so I could instead choose my responses was to focus inward.

First I notice my physiological reactions. That gets me out of my 'head'. Im observing my stuff instead of observing/judging the other's thoughts, words, and actions. Its really hard. I have a lifetime of practice with the reactiveness. Its my default.

[vijaykumari]

Another thing that occurred to me:

I try to first focus on my own reactions to the other person before I respond because I want to sort out my own feelings first.  But the problem is that after several decades I still haven't sorted it all out and I've ended up avoiding family for so long I think it's made me feel worse. 

I have recently been talking to them a little more after my dad passed away.  I notice that when I talk to them, even if I say the "wrong" thing or it goes badly for some reason, or I get triggered (it's a given that one or more of these things will happen in every conversation), I learn something.  I learn more about myself than if I just thought about things on my own or even in therapy.  I think it's because avoiding them and being in my head a lot makes me lose touch with reality for various reasons. 

I also find that over the years people change (as we all do) so talking is not always pointless.  It's not easy and I have to balance things so that being triggered becomes a learning experience and doesn't hurt me to the point of being unable to function.