Does anyone else notice their PD fam has a death fetish?

[newlife33]

I'm 3 and a half years NC  and I am healing and detoxifying slowly.  It feels as if their are layers to my healing.  Like I got rid of the "newer" abuses first, and slowly am working my way back to birth. 

Welp, now I'm down to the original wounds, and I'm noticing some scary stuff about my "training" or how I was "groomed" to be.  And I really think my FOO had like a death fetish.

1. They constantly used the guilt trip of "you'll be sorry when I'm not around." or "I could be dead tomorrow."  And it almost felt like that was all they cared about, holding onto me right up until their death bed, and then dying with their emotional supply by their side and all dying together.  I really feel deep in my soul this desire to die with them.  I know that is not the real me, but I cannot deny the training I received from a moldable child.  I can fight the training now and undo it, but I cannot deny it exsists in me.  I really want to take care of my dad till he dies and then die alongside him.  Again, screw that, never gonna happen, I'm LONG gone from him.  Yet that is the training I received.  Zero survival skills, plenty of servant skills.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels this way because it is driving me crazy! 

[Andeza]

There's no need to deny they trained it into you. That's your truth. It happened. It's a seriously screwed up thing to do to anyone, but it happened. You can accept it, understand that it was a part of you, but you're not going to allow it to be a part of you going forward.

It was a bit different for me. There was an expectation that I would care for UbpdM into her old age, presumably until she dies, but then the future after that was more of a nebulous black hole. It was never discussed. Almost as though there would be no future after that. I have realized just now while typing this that ultimately the future past her death was never discussed because for her it quite literally doesn't exist. And if she's not there for it, then it would seem she doesn't care about it or how I would live my life after she's gone. Her focus remained on her, her comfort, her supply, she was the sun in her own private solar system and we were just the planets that orbited her. Except, I broke out of the gravity well.

I'm six months no contact. Be kind to yourself, please, this is a very difficult thing to work on and process. 

[newlife33]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences, you have really helped me greatly.

I know what you mean about that feeling of not having a life after they are gone, or never having them acknowledge me as even having a separate life Maybe that is more what it is that I am feeling and probably relate to, the feeling of servitude and a lack of self.  The last thing I worked on before this realization was my self sabotage, and i did notice it mostly in things that I love doing but were not encouraged, especially golf.  I constantly mess up my swing and sabotage my round, and I think it's because i'm not serving anyone and i feel guilty or wrong.

Thanks as well for saying this is a big thing to uncover.  It really has knocked me out and it's difficult for me to admit.  I'm going to practice self care and take care of myself for a few days or weeks or however amount of time my body and mind tells me.

[Andeza]

It's absolutely huge. This is definitely not something to downplay because it is wrapped up so tightly into the very fabric of our beings. It's a dominating, oppressive thing hovering over us.

I'll share what helped me in the hope that it might help you. Having a goal for the direction of my life. It wasn't until I started coming Out of the FOG that I really started mulling over what I wanted my life to look like in ten years. Twenty years. Thirty, etc. Interestingly, my mom wasn't in any of those pictures. I always thought to myself, work hard at a good job, get ahead, put away money so I can be comfortable some day. The typical, vague dream (meanwhile her voice was floating around in the background saying "take care of your mother!"). It wasn't until I got into specifics that I started to move beyond the picture of what she wanted for me, in order to work on what I wanted for myself.

For me, that's land, a large garden, livestock, kids, and mountains. Not necessarily in that order, but they're all a part of my picture for myself. Then I just had to decide not to care about her plans for me. Way easier said than done. Someone who hasn't dealt with our situations would think that was easy, right? It's easy to live your own life and do what you want with it, right? Not true for those who have been essentially brainwashed toward a single, all-consuming goal.

I want to encourage you to think of it that way. You are attempting to break years and years of brainwashing meant to strip you of your individual identity and determine your future. Most definitely not easy. We are here to help you on the journey to healing, however long it takes. It's a journey of self-discovery, not a race. 

[newlife33]

Aw shucks, that is a beautiful share and sounds like such a lovely life. 

Thanks for the encouragement, I've been doing a lot of that recently.  It feels like my life is a gentle river, and I keep adding things to the flow.  Some I keep, some I remove, but it's always slowly moving forward and getting more and more powerful and beautiful.

And thanks again for reminding me I was brainwashed and to give myself time.  It's hard to even go out in public right now because I'm so foggy.  Gonna keep doing what is best for me and taking my time.