I dont know what to do anymore

[exhaustedbuttrying]

hi, I am a mum to 2 beautiful kids and am trying so hard in every area of my life completely on my own. I am not stupid, I am told Im attractive, Im normally positive and full of ideas on how to make things better but Im so stuck and as the years have roled on I am now almost completely isolated and I now look like I am crazy or irresponsible or the cause of the trouble that has happend in my life within my relationships.

I accept full responsibility for some things I need to improve on as I have addiction issues but this has been used against me to the point where I feel I have nowhere to turn. I was married to a man for 12 years who appeared to be kind, loving, stable emotionally and career wise but after marrying, leaving my family and friends to relocate to the USA everything went down hill. He knew of my family history. I came from a middle class family with a pool in the garden, I went to a private school, we had no worriesd financially growing up but my Dad got caught out cheating on my Mum with a prostitute when I was 7 and our whole world collapsed.

They stayed together for another 8 years but in that time my father totally disrespected my Mum by expecting her to just get over it and blamed her for his constant late returns home because he had to entertain clients etc. My Mum who was bright, family orientated (and loved animals) became an alcoholic. My partner also came from a background where his Mum was cheated on by her best friend and his Dad and was then made to look like the bad one and at one point when my partner was a kid his father tried to have his mum deported. Obviously the opinion my partner had of his Mum was one of love but he always put her down and adored his controlling father. My father is also very controlling and to cut a very very long story my mum drank her self to death and died five years ago and I was the only family member still talking to her, who flew to the country she had been living in to clear her things and arrange a funeral.

I looked after my grandparents when they were alive for 20 years by visiting, sometimes decorating and in all that time I did all their food shopping online even when I was living away from the UK. My ex husband, criticised me constantly telling me I was a little rich girl despite me having worked all my life prior to moving to the USA with him. After he lost his job in the USA we moved back to the UK but he blamed me for the illness that had nearly killed him and said I was crazy all the time. He lied about money when I was pregnant and completely isolated in the USA and I lived off cereal and cheap foods whilst I later found out he was out lunching at some bar called hooters where beautiful girls serve you drinks and food with tight cropped tops on.

Anyway the stories go on and on but after we returned home with our son we lived with my grandmother in a small flat. He took over the home when he was there making my grandmother cross although she never said anything. It was simple things like when she left the living room he would change the tv channel despite knowing it was her favorite programme or helping himself to her prescribed sleeping tablets or co codamol. Once his work picked up we looked into getting our own place but despite being in a position to rent a two bedroom flat or similar he wanted our son who was a year old by this point and i to live in a studio flat (one room) in an area which was expensive and would refuse to look at properties for the same price that were a 10 minute drive down the road for the same price that were a 3 bedroom house, with a garden for our toddler and good schools and shops etc nearby.

Eventually through me refusing to entertain the mouldy studio flats in a fashionable young single persons area he relented but I paid for it over and over. I paid for everything over and over. He lied constantly about where he was, I wasnt allowed to know where he was staying on a foreign business trip despite never contacting him and on the rare occasion I did because it was important like our son was ill or he hadnt left me with any money his phone was off. His phone was not allowed to be off because he worked in an industry where sales could come through 24 hours a day. I was crazy for questioning any of this. Again plenty of other stories but get the gist.

So as time went on we had our daughter but despite her being planned I found out from his family that he had made out id pushed him into it. I was so sad. Years on and having to struggle with everything when it came to our relationship because i was crazy things got really bad. We had bot developed cocaine issues at the weekend and he was drinking over 20 pints of beer over one night. He smoked weed constantly and bad mouthed me to anyone and everyone behind my back (so ive heard) and to my face. I tried so hard to step up, i went to counselling and he then provided me drugs after a row etc etc again many more stories, he said we had no money but he was earning in excess of £80K a year and we had no joint bank account so I tried really hard to account for all money i spent on food etc and then out of sheer desperation i got an amazing job. I was then called a bad mother for going to work full time and i was really out of order to agree a salary higher than the one they had advertised because who did i think i was, apparently the best thing for me was to get a job in a supermarket as i needed bring down a peg or two, also i apparently only got jobs because someone wanted to have sex with me.

Our relationship eneded after I had tried everything possible to make it work, counselling, doing what he said which was never good enough, being raped, being grabbed by the throat, being told things like it was my job to clean his (sorry for the swear word) shit stains off the toilet as that was my job etc. It ended when he threw me (hes strong) into a concrete wall at the top of a long flight of stairs and i called the poilce. Since then I havent been able to get a break. My addiction issues got worse, he isolated me from my family and friends telling lies about me, he emplyed the best legal team and i had to take legal aid and was represented by a paralegal (although i was just  gald to get some help). He has stalked me, questioned the kids about my life, abused me verbally and regularly messes with the financial court order that took 4 years to get as he wouldnt just work a reasonable amount out for the kids.

He is now after 5 years suddenly sending me messages about money and stating i let the kids stay up til midnight which i most certainly do not. I trule feel he is going to go for custody and all i have to do is stop the drugs but Im so scared and anxious and alone I keep doing them and Im my own worse enemy. I cant go for help anywhere as Im worried it will work against me and I have no one i can turn to. On top of this after my relationship enede with him I went on to go out with twoi more physically abusive men. I kno0w its not my fault completely but Im scared to do anything because Ive always been honest and always tried to the right thing but it always works against me. Im trying to find work but covid isnt helping and im going to lose my car soon and am struggling with my house and bills. HELP pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease someone help XX
PS. iM EVEN SCARED TO BE POSTING THIS

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! Sounds like you are really having a bad time. And you seem to have made some bad decisions. Sometimes when we are on a downward spiral, we try to grab at any straw, even if it is bad for us. Have you checked out the AA meetings online? Your local counselling service? It really sounds like you need real life support in addition to all the information and support this forum can offer.
Have you read  "complex PTSD: from surviving to thriving" by Pete Walker? I think you might find this beneficial. Also you could check out Tim Fletcher on Youtube - you might find his talks helpful. Good luck!

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

Thank you for sharing. What a terrible time you've been having. It all sounds so painful.

Abusers are all about power and control. You may find the videos by the American counsellor and author Kris Godinez of help to you. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and how targets of abuse can cope better. She gives live talks most Sundays on her YouTube channel called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez". I have found her talks very useful to me.

I am in the UK. I have an undiagnosed BPD/NPD sister.

You need lots of support. I know things are really difficult in the UK at the moment to meet people and to find services that are still open but things are hopefully changing. Domestic violence support phone lines are still open. If you feel in any danger you need to immediately call 999.

You may find this information about support in the UK of help

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/drug-addiction-getting-help/

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/healthy-body/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/



You realise that you need to get help for your addiction issues. Well done for seeing a therapist.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Keep posting.

[PeanutButter]

Hi exhaustedbuttrying. Welcome!

That was really brave to put it all out there. Thank you for sharing. I can relate to what you are going through.

I have been where you are. By the time I left my unpdxH I was in the beginnings of an addiction to perscription narcotics. It spiraled quickly after that. I had to get treatment.

IME the quicker you reach out for help and find a treatment program the sooner you will get better. Ime and imo this is not something you can over come by willing yourself to stop.

I know how much you love your children and want to stop for them. Maybe someone has even said to you that you should 'stop being an addict for your children's sake' or 'if you loved your children you would stop being an addict'. That is not how it works though. Loving your children is not a cure for addiction. Wanting really badly to stop using is not a cure for addiction.

If you seek treatment you can attain recovery. And if you do the work every day you can manage your addiction and have a life again. You can be happy. IME it is so worth it to invest in your well being. 

I really hope you use the links suggested.

IME I would not respond to anything in his messages that doesnt require a response. I would not be baited into an argument over how late the kids stay up especially.

Good luck. Hope you stick around we want to be there for you as you navigate this diffccult interaction with your ex.

[tragedy or hope]

Where there is life there is hope. Never give up. We are glad you came here.

Call one of the many organizations that reach out to addicts. Use the web to find anonymous electronic meetings. (12 step groups are free) There are others out there that don't cost a dime and are anonymous.  You can just listen until you are ready to make your presence known.

No one needs to know who you are. Choose a different name and use some type of disguise you are comfortable wearing, but go immediately (probably online since Covid) to save your own life so you will be there for your children. Your ex does not need to know anything about it.

There is hope if you are willing.  Just willing. You will get further when you are ready, There are also many people who have similar experiences who are waiting to help someone else. Really. They do it to keep themselves clean as much as they do it for you.

Do it today... it will be a new beginning. My heart and hopes and prayers go out to you.