Lockdown relaxation - anyone else dreading it?

[p123]

Have I missed Dad and his dramas? Not at all.
Has he still wound me up even more so via phone? Definitely.

I've been saved so far in wales. Current rules are you can visit someone in their garden within 5 miles. I live 20+ away. I've got a feeling this may end soon.

Dad, I can tell, has plans. These plans seem to include me spending ALL my free time with him because "hes been stuck home for months so wants to see me a lot now".
Not going to happen. Of course, I'll visit him BUT I'm still working mon-fri, wife works, I've got kids. I cant work 9-5 mon-fri then come evening, weekend bail on them.

Alas, Dad does not think this way. Its going to be a nightmare.

[Adrianna]

Stick to your boundaries! You will be tested but you can see he survived just fine without your frequent visits. Yes he will use this to manipulate you into falling back into line. Don't give him that power. Put yourself and your family first before the needs of a man who you know will never be happy ever no matter what you do.

[Pepin]

I'm worried as well.  I haven't seen PDmil in many, many months and this has been good.  DH has had to go see her on his own...mostly fulfilling her to do list.  I just learned that PDmil's sister has put the brakes on visits with PDmil because of the pandemic.  That means that PDmil has mostly been interacting with DH or his sister.  I can only assume that PDmil has been spending a lot of time on her own....minus groceries and md appts.  She has had procedures put on hold because of the pandemic....so as soon as those protocols have been lifted, PDmil will need help making and getting to those appts. 

I know it may seem that I sound uncaring, especially since PDmil is elderly....but I'm sorry, she's had many chances throughout her life to LEARN to care for herself.  She really doesn't have any limitations but BELIEVES that she does.  She paints herself to be such a selfless person but being overly selfless is actually selfish.  And she wants everyone to pay for this.

So no....I absolutely have no desire to see her ever again.  I am dreading every darn minute of lockdown relaxation.  I've loved the peace and I'm going to fight HARD if I have to be in her presence again.  I'm ready and continue to work on my self care and WILL handle whatever she tosses my way.     You can do this, too!!!

[illogical]

Hi p123,

This is the perfect segue into your new life.    Some possible responses:

* Dad, I can't come this week because I'm overwhelmed at work. 
* Dad, I can't possibly come because my wife is just now going back to work and she's still compromised from her surgery and needs my help.
*Dad, I can't possibly help you because you are in the "vunerable" population and to be near you would compromise your health.
*Dad, I can't help you because my children need my attention now.

You get the picture.  You and yours (and YOU) need your attention, so you can't help your dad right now.  Let your brother step in and attend to him.  This is quite possibly your big chance to reclaim your life and let your dad fend for himself, let him engage with your brother, who has all that time on his hands and can deal with him, while you tend to you and yours.   

[Happypants]

P123, i feel your pain.  I'm in a different area of the UK that has a 5 mile rule (I love Wales btw!), but my parents live within that 5 miles  And I'm back to mixture of pressure to visit, threat of them visiting, wanting to see them and dreading it all at the same time.

I have noticed a slip back to subtle guilt-inducing messages, so after a 3 month excuse of not visiting them except for dropping off shopping  (plus i was genuinely worried as they're both vulnerable) and a new routine of contact, the background simmering feeling of trepidation is back full time. 

Could this be a time to allude to the fact that your new routine which came about during lockdown has allowed you to focus more on your FOC (Lay on the guilt about how that's got to take priority "I'm sure you understand, dad"), and perhaps lay down a new visiting regime **because it's important to you to make time for dad** (then you get to say when and how often, but it's planned in advance and adhering to your boundaries?).

Stay strong.

[p123]

I'm worried as well.  I haven't seen PDmil in many, many months and this has been good.  DH has had to go see her on his own...mostly fulfilling her to do list.  I just learned that PDmil's sister has put the brakes on visits with PDmil because of the pandemic.  That means that PDmil has mostly been interacting with DH or his sister.  I can only assume that PDmil has been spending a lot of time on her own....minus groceries and md appts.  She has had procedures put on hold because of the pandemic....so as soon as those protocols have been lifted, PDmil will need help making and getting to those appts. 

I know it may seem that I sound uncaring, especially since PDmil is elderly....but I'm sorry, she's had many chances throughout her life to LEARN to care for herself.  She really doesn't have any limitations but BELIEVES that she does.  She paints herself to be such a selfless person but being overly selfless is actually selfish.  And she wants everyone to pay for this.

So no....I absolutely have no desire to see her ever again.  I am dreading every darn minute of lockdown relaxation.  I've loved the peace and I'm going to fight HARD if I have to be in her presence again.  I'm ready and continue to work on my self care and WILL handle whatever she tosses my way.     You can do this, too!!!

Pepin - hey go for it. Its your MIL so its even easier to not get involved.

Sounds like my Dad. Thinks he has needs but hes ok really - all he wants is someone to fuss over him 24/7.

[p123]

Stick to your boundaries! You will be tested but you can see he survived just fine without your frequent visits. Yes he will use this to manipulate you into falling back into line. Don't give him that power. Put yourself and your family first before the needs of a man who you know will never be happy ever no matter what you do.

ha ha its gonna be a test!

[p123]

P123, i feel your pain.  I'm in a different area of the UK that has a 5 mile rule (I love Wales btw!), but my parents live within that 5 miles  And I'm back to mixture of pressure to visit, threat of them visiting, wanting to see them and dreading it all at the same time.

I have noticed a slip back to subtle guilt-inducing messages, so after a 3 month excuse of not visiting them except for dropping off shopping  (plus i was genuinely worried as they're both vulnerable) and a new routine of contact, the background simmering feeling of trepidation is back full time. 

Could this be a time to allude to the fact that your new routine which came about during lockdown has allowed you to focus more on your FOC (Lay on the guilt about how that's got to take priority "I'm sure you understand, dad"), and perhaps lay down a new visiting regime **because it's important to you to make time for dad** (then you get to say when and how often, but it's planned in advance and adhering to your boundaries?).

Stay strong.

The fact that I live 20+ miles away has been a life saver. I've not even had to do his shopping because brother is 1 mile away.
And of course, brother got made redundant too so had plenty of time.

Dad told me last weekend that brother has got a new job starting this week. Back on high alert- Dad has pretty much left me alone because brother has been running around for him. 99% sure next phone call wil be "Im ill" like normal.

Has brother really got a job? Its 50/50. Hes got previous on this. In the past, hes preached to me about how much dad needs, how much he does etc then be caught out lying to Dad about something like this. I used to take great delight when Dad used to tell me how hard working my brother was working 12 hour shifts 7 days a week, then I'd show him a pic on facebook of brother in the pub on a saturday afternoon. That was so funny (although dad never believed the golden child would lie to him).

In the past hes used "I've got no food in the house" as a big stick. I filled his freezer in march but it must be gone by now but hes managed. I've offered to sort home delivery recently and in the past but the clever sod won't go down that route - thats his power there.

Trouble is hes got no garden. OK I can go in his house - I can't see the difference that much. BUT brother has been taking him out in the car which is surely not clever. Can guarantee he'll want to know why I wont take him out for a ride.

[nanotech]

Just as has been said, be firm. That's what I plan on being.
Hubby has already pointed this out-  that my dad will now be compiling a list of 'catch -up' meals and treats that he reckons he will be owed. Plus he's waxing lyrical about a big BIG family reunion.
I can't think of anything worse. 🤨
AND I'm not going near a carvery/ buffet venue just after lockdown. Which is where it will be held.
I'm not a snob. It's just that the food tends to be dire- watery and tasteless-and I've always thought they were a bit of a germ fest at the best of times!  It's just another way I seem to differ from the family. Sigh.
Hubs is diabetic with high BP,so while he's not in the shielded category, we've had to take extra care, and still are of course.
So there's that. I'm not happy he's diabetic (under good control right now though) but I'll sure as hell use it if it gets me out of a family carvery.  I'm 61 so I can use that too. 😃

My dad is pretty scared of the great grandkids, and has warned me a lot about their being 'super spreaders' even though the science seems now to lean to the contrary concerning the transmission of covid.
He will warn me off!
I can't wait to see them. It's the top of the list.

You have lots of responsibilities regarding your own family. They come first and foremost always. As does your OWN catching up of your own life, whether it's work or leisure.
Dad can be on the list. When you think of where dad needs to be on that list, try not to be influenced by what you think may be his expectations. Just do what you think is right and enough.  And stick to that!

[lkdrymom]

You have a permanent built in excuse...."Dad, you got along fine all those months in lock down, you really don't need me dropping everything to run out there now. I'll see you at my next regularly scheduled visit."

Before all this I was worried about not having my father over at Easter. He now needs help in the bathroom and I just don't want to do that! Not to mention as the host how would I have the time.  This Covid 19 saved me from making that decision.    I facetimed my father last week. I haven't spoken to him since February as he no longer understands how to make phone calls.  He didn't understand facetime either. Kept asking me when I was going to visit when he finally  understood that it was me live on the phone and not just a picture of me.

[p123]

Just as has been said, be firm. That's what I plan on being.
Hubby has already pointed this out-  that my dad will now be compiling a list of 'catch -up' meals and treats that he reckons he will be owed. Plus he's waxing lyrical about a big BIG family reunion.
I can't think of anything worse. 🤨
AND I'm not going near a carvery/ buffet venue just after lockdown. Which is where it will be held.
I'm not a snob. It's just that the food tends to be dire- watery and tasteless-and I've always thought they were a bit of a germ fest at the best of times!  It's just another way I seem to differ from the family. Sigh.
Hubs is diabetic with high BP,so while he's not in the shielded category, we've had to take extra care, and still are of course.
So there's that. I'm not happy he's diabetic (under good control right now though) but I'll sure as hell use it if it gets me out of a family carvery.  I'm 61 so I can use that too. 😃

My dad is pretty scared of the great grandkids, and has warned me a lot about their being 'super spreaders' even though the science seems now to lean to the contrary concerning the transmission of covid.
He will warn me off!
I can't wait to see them. It's the top of the list.

You have lots of responsibilities regarding your own family. They come first and foremost always. As does your OWN catching up of your own life, whether it's work or leisure.
Dad can be on the list. When you think of where dad needs to be on that list, try not to be influenced by what you think may be his expectations. Just do what you think is right and enough.  And stick to that!

Ha ha went away once to watch  cricket for the weekend with him. Stayed in a travelodge (he moaned that was way too posh and expensive). EVERY SINGLE MEAL we ate in the local wetherspoons.
Now I dont mind it but not EVERY DAY. Of course, every evening meal he has the cheapest thing on the menu too - ham, egg and chips. Then he looks at me in disgust when I order steak for £9 or something.....

Oh yes, I'm sure hes gonna expect a homecoming parade or something.

Can GUARANTEE when I explain that no I have other people hes going to say "but you've just spent months with them they'll have to understand that you need to focus on me now". <sigh>

[p123]

You have a permanent built in excuse...."Dad, you got along fine all those months in lock down, you really don't need me dropping everything to run out there now. I'll see you at my next regularly scheduled visit."

Before all this I was worried about not having my father over at Easter. He now needs help in the bathroom and I just don't want to do that! Not to mention as the host how would I have the time.  This Covid 19 saved me from making that decision.    I facetimed my father last week. I haven't spoken to him since February as he no longer understands how to make phone calls.  He didn't understand facetime either. Kept asking me when I was going to visit when he finally  understood that it was me live on the phone and not just a picture of me.

Yes in some ways its been good-  parents have had to get on with it and showed they can.

Dad is like that. He NEEDS people to do this and that. Reality is he NEEDS nothing at all, its what he wants. He wants to be treated, if I'm honest, like an adult baby.

Hes managed months now with brother getting him food. I've offered to get it delivered. Yet I know he will slot back straight into "No food in the house", and "they have those meals I like in the supermarket near you". Its laughable.

Oh and the toilet thing. We went away to stay in hotel once. He wanted me to wash him in the shower. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
No chance - he manages at home every other day so why? Honestly, I felt a bit sick....

[nanotech]

I'm never doing the toilet thing. 
Seriously, the food thing. 
It's so similar to how my dad is.

[Blueberry Pancakes]

P123 - Yes I dread it. One good thing about the lockdowns was that it provided relief. Relief from being on the receiving side of their anger from not visiting enough or otherwise failing to meet some expectation we never knew they had until they lashed out. Of course, my parents still found ways to lash out on the phone about other stuff, but I did not have to see them in person, drive to their house, or sit across a table from them.
I have gone from VLC with my parents to now being just one notch above NC. Firmer boundaries are in place. I think what others noted here is correct. We now know they will not dissolve without us. They will be fine without our presence, and we have proof of that.

[nanotech]

Yes that's true Blueberry Pancakes. They cope far better than they would have us believe.
It's just like my dad's bed changing routine. Younger sis offered to do it right after mum died, and has sometimes dropped hints that I should share it. Well I never offered it, so no.    I'm 30 odd miles away and she's 2miles away.
I did wonder if she felt obligated to fill mum's  shoes because it was seen by dad as 'women's work'.
Well, lockdown has proved what I suspected all along, that he was capable of doing this chore himself. He's been fine with the whole thing for a good three months now.
I think younger sis is sorry she started it. Perhaps this is her chance to wriggle out of it, once lockdown is over? 
P123. Told you I was keeping my calls to dad to weekly? He clearly doesn't think it's often enough. 
When I ring, he's  taken to ignoring my calls, then not returning them. Then when I do get through, he immediately says he's busy, and  then puts the phone down for an age while he faffs about, or else insists on ringing me back later. I know he's making at least some of these excuses up, because the reason he gives me when he claims it's a bad time to ring, has sometimes changed to another reason by the end of the call( he forgets what he said in the first place!).
Every single time I say ' Hi dad', I get  'Ah um I was just about to....  it's a bad time. 😦 He doesn't even say ' Hi '. It's just straight into the complaint about my bad timing.  😞

[p123]

I'm never doing the toilet thing. 
Seriously, the food thing. 
It's so similar to how my dad is.

Trouble is Dad just said "oh I wont bother having a shower then", Ewww that was just as bad.

It was boiling hot and he only had one set of clothes (inc underwear) for 3 days as it was.

[p123]

Yes that's true Blueberry Pancakes. They cope far better than they would have us believe.
It's just like my dad's bed changing routine. Younger sis offered to do it right after mum died, and has sometimes dropped hints that I should share it. Well I never offered it, so no.    I'm 30 odd miles away and she's 2miles away.
I did wonder if she felt obligated to fill mum's  shoes because it was seen by dad as 'women's work'.
Well, lockdown has proved what I suspected all along, that he was capable of doing this chore himself. He's been fine with the whole thing for a good three months now.
I think younger sis is sorry she started it. Perhaps this is her chance to wriggle out of it, once lockdown is over? 
P123. Told you I was keeping my calls to dad to weekly? He clearly doesn't think it's often enough. 
When I ring, he's  taken to ignoring my calls, then not returning them. Then when I do get through, he immediately says he's busy, and  then puts the phone down for an age while he faffs about, or else insists on ringing me back later. I know he's making at least some of these excuses up, because the reason he gives me when he claims it's a bad time to ring, has sometimes changed to another reason by the end of the call( he forgets what he said in the first place!).
Every single time I say ' Hi dad', I get  'Ah um I was just about to....  it's a bad time. 😦 He doesn't even say ' Hi '. It's just straight into the complaint about my bad timing.  😞

Deffo game playing here lol by Dad.

I know the "womans work" idea well. Apologies if I've said this before. When he got divorced at age 58 and moved into flat he refused to get a washing machine. I gave up- his older sister did it for years. Then she got too old. Then he got brothers various partners to do it. He once or twice asked me "can u ask your wife to do it for me this week?" Stupidly I agreed but I did it and told him - he was flabbergasted that me, a man, had done the washing. Now I just say NO. Brothers new wife does it now - crack on.

[p123]

We've had a 5 mile travel rule here in wales and rumour is its being relaxed this weekend. Dad lives 20+ miles away...
Dad, who previously swears he doesnt understand the rules in on top of this one.

Already told me what time I need to get there by on sunday, what food he needs me to bring from the supermarket etc etc. Hes decided he wants to go for a ride in the car and I've told him no. Thats not allowed yet hes not happy.

Of course, hes completely disregarded the fact that my wifes mum lives 15 miles away so she might be wanting to see her, so it will take planning, because our 7 year old can't stay home alone so one of us needs to be home on sunday.

As usual with Dad, he takes priority and no-one else matters. Its going to be a tough few weeks.

[nanotech]

Just because it's now allowed, doesn't mean that you do have to do it. The way he talks to you is like when the police 'kettle' demonstrators into a small enclosed space so they can control them. They then often  accuse them of rioting when they just wanted their own space back.
On that phone call or any similar ones where he's demanding/ dictating, you could just say you will let him know what your weekend plans are in a day or two, then find a reason to end the call.
Just really shutting that exaggerated sense of entitlement down, is what you are aiming for.

[PeanutButter]

Dont forget you are in control.

He is not to you like the police are to citizens because he has no power to do anything to you. He has no power to take any of your freedom away. He can bark orders all he wants but you dont have to obey him. You dont even have to listen to him. 

As Woman Interrupted mentions "all he has is words".    

If you want to go on sunday then go. If you dont then tell him 'sorry its not going to work out after all, wife has to tend to her mother'. 

Im sorry you have to experience this. I wish for you freedom from his toxicity as often as possible. Stay strong. You can succeed in your goals and boundaries. Look how far you have already come!