New To This

[FindingMyLight]

At 52 years old I had the epiphany that my mother has NPD.  My whole life I've thought that things that happened and she did was because of me or something that I'd done.  As someone who studied psychology in both college and nursing school, I never considered applying what I learned to my own family experience.  Honestly, I feel like an idiot.  Her methods are absolutely classic.  She uses all of them, but I never did see the gaslighting, lack of empathy, scapegoating (me) vs. the Golden Child (my brother) until this past weekend.  It really hit me like a ton of bricks.  I asked my husband if he thought that my mother had NPD, and he said 100%!  (He's a doctor.)  I told him that I don't know what to do with this enlightenment and how to feel.  His explanation was that the sky is blue and has always been blue.  To that I replied,  while I understood his perspective, I never did see that it was blue until now.  I've been reading as much as I can on NPD and trying to figure out where to go from here.  My mother is a 71 year old widow, and I don't expect her to admit that anything is wrong with her.  At this point, I feel like I'm in an emotion bind.  On one hand, I NEVER want her to be able to emotionally manipulate me or my children again.  On the other hand, I know that life is short, and she is my mother that probably won't be around for many years.  I really don't know how to proceed.

[Starboard Song]

I told him that I don't know what to do with this enlightenment and how to feel.  His explanation was that the sky is blue and has always been blue.  To that I replied,  while I understood his perspective, I never did see that it was blue until now.

Wow. I am stealing those lines.

Welcome to Out of the FOG. I am so glad you found us. I am so sorry you needed to.

You have a lot going for you: a smart and supportive spouse, a strong relationship. You can push through this is several ways. It is very likely you can achieve your goals while maintaining plenty of contact with your mom.

In our Toolbox, read about Boundaries, and My Stuff Your Stuff. Without fail, do that today. Also on the agenda, though, and I believe the most important: is self-care.

Injured tigers feel more scared and less safe. Injured people do, too. The top line of my signature are the books that most helped us. I commend to you Self-Compassion and Radical Acceptance. YMMV.

Be good. Be strong.