Parenting (breaking the cycle)

[Justme729]

Does anyone ever mourn their own childhood while parenting your own children?


I feel so incredibly blessed that my children are able to have open and honest relationships with me and their dad.  I tell my teenager often I'm so thankful she feels comfortable talking to me and hope that never changes.  We had real open and honest conversations.   For example, she asked me what qualities attracted me to her dad.   She shared what she's looking for in a boyfriend.  I felt so honored that she was comfortable talking about that to me.    But it also made me feel sad that I missed out on that with my mom due to her own mental illness. 

[Maxtrem]

Hi Justme729, I'm glad to see you've broken the cycle, congratulations! Honestly it's one of my fears (I don't have a child yet, but it's expected in the medium term), so I'm glad to see there's hope.

[catta]

I'm pregnant with my first child and this is something I have talked to my therapist about often. She says yes-- that the experience of becoming a parent often triggers a lot of grief for people who now see aspects of their childhood very differently. Apparently there's a theory that becoming a parent can force people to process a lot of trauma in a short period of time and this can contribute to postpartum depression. 

Though I don't have my own kids yet, seeing my friends become parents brought me a lot of clarity about my own childhood. There were lots of things my uNPD parents did that weren't even on my radar as unusual, let alone abusive, until I realized how much I would NEVER want my friends' children to experience them. At first, talking to my friends about their effort to be a good parent brought me a lot of anger, and it took me years to realize that I was actually angry because my parents never self-evaluated their own parenting. They were always right, I was always wrong. There was no forethought and certainly no "I wish I had done that differently."

[Justme729]

Catta, yes everything you said. 

Being a parent really does make you process The trauma to be sure you're being your best self to them. It still deeply bothers me that there is no self reflection.  I can't share how excited I am to have fostered such a wonderful relationship with my children without it being a personal attack on her.   I didn't have PPD with my oldest two, but I did with my third.  I think because of the situation, I had tons of feelings and she wasn't an easy baby like her sisters.   I know my last trauma has impacted my parenting in a deep way.