Discarded by a Narcissist - There are NO words...

[SomeDayFree]

I'm new here....and I'll take all the advice I can get. 

I have been online for days, googling this and that and trying to figure out WHAT exactly the nightmare was that I just went through for the last year and a half.  I finally figured it out and my jaw dropped.  I read an article that was basically a "run-down" of how a relationship progresses from start to end (discard) when you're with someone with NPD.  I have no words.  As I was reading it, it was a near perfect run-down of what just happened to me.  I just can't BELIEVE I fell for it.  ALL of it.  It's so hard to believe that all of it was fake.  I honestly don't know what to do with myself.

I met this person at work, he "love bombed" me for a few months, moved in shortly after (while still keeping his own house that was 20 minutes away... for the duration of the WHOLE relationship).  He bought me car a month after the first time we were intimate.  I didn't "NEED" a car but he said I needed a "newer more reliable" one and got me to accept it saying that he wanted my son to be able to have my old car when he was able to get his license.  He was amazing and giving and loving and wanted to take care of us, take care of me, and he talked about the future and all these wonderful things for our future.

Shortly after moving in to my house (or continually staying at my house I should say), we were out to dinner one night and out of the blue he got this very strange look on his face that I hadn't seen before.  It was a deep, angry, questionable look that immediately prompted me to ask him what was wrong.  He explained that he was thinking about something his ex-girlfriend had told him about me.  (She also used to work where we work).  So I asked him what it was and he made up some story about how when they lived together she came home one day and told him that I said I got genital herpes from some guy I met on an online dating site.  I quickly jumped to defend myself and tell him that I had never told his ex anything personal, and that i also have never joined a dating site in my life...and certainly didn't have genital herpes.  He just kept gas-lighting me and telling me "Well, I don't see why she would say that if it wasn't true...".  That was the beginning of the gas-lighting.  Over year of questions, interrogations about my past, telling me I did things I never did and would never do, hours of defending myself and crying and telling him he as wrong about whatever accusation he was making at that time.  I've been called names, screamed at in the face, he has left with all of his stuff and went "home" numerous times only to make me beg him to come back and apologize for basically defending myself during some insane fight he created over some accusation his mind came up with.  I have been ridiculed and told I am everything bad under the sun including that I deserved it, that I was "bat-shit crazy, a nympho, trash, lazy, and pretty much told I was only good for spreading my legs and doing the laundry.

( I'm not going to write a book, I could go ON and ON so I will try to keep this as short as possible )

After the gas-lighting and name calling started he then started to threaten me with crazy things like- "I'm going to put up cameras around the outside of the house without you knowing so that I can see exactly who you're screwing when you come home from work on lunch".  He never had any proof for any of his accusations and when I called him out on the lack of proof he always insisted he did, but I knew he was full of it because I had never even LOOKED at another guy and definitely hadn't cheated on him in ANY way. 

About 6 months into the relationship, he started to lose interest in me, he was no longer was full of compliments, and I noticed he would stay home after I left for work for hours before finally leaving the house to go work (He was salary and part of his job required him to be out on the road most of the day, while I am paid hourly and I work in the office).  So because of all of his accusations and crazy scenarios (of horrible things I must be doing behind his back) it started to make me paranoid, insecure and wonder...so I bought a little voice recorder and stuck it under our bed.  I would have him tell me that he was "working all morning", or he was so late leaving the house because he couldn't get off of his work phone long enough to get into the shower, or that he had to do some work on his laptop before he left.  When ACTUALLY he was sleeping in, watching porn, sleeping some more, watching porn and then doing who knows what on his personal phone until he finally decided to take a shower.  I was convinced at this point that it wasn't just porn, it was an actual person.  The lingering at home in the mornings also made me upset because I was the one taking his calls in the office that he wasn't answering while he was just home getting paid to do all of this while I was doing his job and my own.  So I finally called him out on it...which of course went from extreme denial, to "you're crazy" and then turned into rage, and ended with him fleeing with all of his belongings, yet again. 

Of course I was made to apologize, and I begged him to come back (even though I had every right to see what was going on in my own house because this person didn't trust me, and made me completely paranoid and insecure, I felt unsafe and most important... I also have a child I needed to protect.

So then came the constant criticism, more name calling, devaluing my feelings and whenever I cried because of some horrible nasty thing he would say, I was "playing the victim card" or the "poor me card".

So of course through all of this craziness there was no longer talk of moving in together ( you know, having one house and being on a lease together) because I was "questionable" or one reason and accusation and excuse after another of why he didn't trust me.  If I even mentioned the future or regular things that people are supposed to want together to progress in a relationship, it was now at this point in the relationship twisted and turned into I only wanted these things to "suffocate him" or I have ulterior motives, or why did I want to move in together so bad and what's wrong with how things are.  Also one excuse after another of why he couldn't get rid of his other house.  (His house was nicer than mine).  There was a point of time where he started leaving the house when I left and then coming home when I did, but that didn't last and it actually made me trust him less.  He seemed to be avoiding being home alone so he wouldn't get caught...but caught doing what?  I couldn't figure it out.

So one day, at random, I put the recorder in the bedroom again.  He coincidentally decided to stay home that day and not go into the office.  When finally getting time alone (while I was working) I listened to it.  He either had another girl IN my bedroom or he was chatting with someone on skype.  At one point he told her "I hope she is watching aaaaand listening"...the he evil-laughed like "Oh we'd be in trouble"  The girl responded.. "Yeah!" and he responded to her with a "yeah!" in the context of "screw my girlfriend, let's do this". 

So I guess before I could be left high and dry (I didn't know what the term discarded was) I confronted him.  He denied it, but at the same time started packing all of his shit, telling me I have a mental disorder and it must have to do with my childhood. Then because I wasn't believing him, it turned into name calling, screaming in my face "that's impoooooossibleee!!!!" after playing him part of the recording.  Then it went to more rage and more belittling me and telling me I just lost the best thing I am ever gonna manage to get over nothing and that I must have fabricated or altered the recording because I am evil and have been planning to kick him out.  Insanity.

Now he is hoovering and telling me that this whole break up was over nothing and how we love each other.  I am told I need to cut it off completely but until I can get another job (not easy with Covid right now) I have to be pleasant and keep him somewhat happy. 

Not sure what to do.  I feel like I got hit by a bus...emotionally, physically, mentally...  I have no appetite, I feel ugly and lost and empty.  It's so hard to wrap my head around the fact that now he is love bombing someone else and it was all just a game.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! Sounds like you have been through the wringer. After a ride on such an emotional roller coaster, it is normal to feel insecure, anxious, and confused and lack self confidence, . The fact that he dropped you might turn out to be a blessing. If you can manage to stay away from him and not fall for his hoover again. Please read around in the Toolbox tab for strategies you can employ if you have dealings with him.
Have you got emotional support? A therapist? Counsellor? Self help group? CoDA meetings? There is some good information on Youtube too. Search for recovering from narcissistic abuse.
I am sorry you had to find us and I am glad you did. See you around on the boards.

[Thru the Rain]

Welcome.

From your story I think you've come to the right place - everything you wrote rings true. And so many of us have similar stories with either significant others, parents, siblings, friends, in-laws.

I think most of us ended up here after search on-line for what the heck just happened.

Regarding your next steps, it's OK to not rush back to your ex. Take some time, take a look at the tool box here, read some threads, keep posting. And also be kind to yourself - you aren't alone here.

[SomeDayFree]

Thank you very much.  I have been reading some of what is in the tool box.  It's making sense.  Grey/Gray rock is probably my best option at this point.

This is probably the 8th or 9th time that he has left, but due to the cheating, and reading all I have read about this disorder, I feel different this time about begging him to come back or apologizing for anything.  However, even though everything makes a lot more sense now (that I know I am not crazy) it is even harder this time.  I no longer have that hope that we'll make up (me apologizing profusely) and everything will get better some day.  The realization that me thinking that he will "see me for me again" someday won't happen, is just heartbreaking.  It's hard to fight off the thinking that I'm not the horrible person he tells me I am.  Deep down, as I go through all of what has happened, I know that I am NOT what he says, and I am not bad or "evil". 

I have spent so much time during this relationship walking on eggshells, that even though he is not in my house any longer, this anxiety and dread of what he will do next has me paralyzed in a sense.  I couldn't even go to work today.  He is texting me things like "i miss you" and telling me he is devastated, but I know it is all lies.  I can't believe these people walk around and exist.  I'm just floored.