Possible PD Marries a Codependent Addict

Started by lifebalance, August 25, 2020, 01:45:39 PM

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lifebalance

Hello, all. I'm grateful to have discovered a community of compassionate others who can relate with my situation. I look forward to knowing you.

Twenty-five years ago, I married the love of my life. We both had issues coming into the marriage, and being just 20 & 19, there's so much we didn't know that we didn't know. Time has a funny way of letting the cat out of the bag.

My wife endured a traumatic childhood beginning at about age 8 after her parents divorced. She had a dad who didn't show her love, a stepmother and step-siblings who put her down and treated her as inferior, and a mother who chased a life of drinking and abusive men. She's a very sensitive and kind person. The type I imagine as being the most innocent and adorable of little girls who seemed to do no wrong. Her world was turned upside down and shattered for the eleven years following that divorce. As she bounced from home to home, she experienced abandonment, rejection, physical & verbal violence, and she felt in some way responsible for all of it. She experienced sexual abuse from her cousin of the same age when they were in elementary school. Her teen years lead to seeking refuge outside of the home, finding her identity in sexual relationships and drinking. Around her senior year, she decided to try something new, and Christianity became her focus.

Meanwhile, I had what felt to be much like a Leave it to Beaver childhood. Things weren't perfect by any means, but I dealt with very little difficulty in my family life. My difficulties were mostly social. My parents weren't without fault, but they both cared deeply for my sister and me, and their lives demonstrated that. When I entered my teen years, I had developed a full-on addiction to pornography fueled by my deep sense of insecurity. As an adult, I discovered dynamics which fostered my developed sense of self-rejection, need for approval from others (particularly females), and a desire to be in a relationship with someone who made me feel needed. I was very much a people pleaser.

We met in college and developed a deep, connected relationship. It took a while for me to get past my insecurities, but once I did, we fell hard and fast. Our relationship eventually turned sexual, and within months, she was pregnant. We both decided marriage was the right thing to do.

I caught glimpses of her enormous insecurities and extreme emotions when we were dating. I hid my secret sexual struggles from her. Without realizing it, I took her on as a project. Self-improvement and personal growth had been such a big part of my life during the teen years that I wanted to take all I'd learned and try to help her. It took me a very, very long time to see the error in this. I now try to just be present, understanding, and compassionate. I hope to continue to learn how to make space for her as she works through her difficult issues.

In our dating relationship and early years of our marriage, I was somehow very compassionate and patient with her. Then eventually, I grew tired of feeling like her emotional punching bag. Like I was in a continuous mine field. To everyone outside of our home, she was the same smiling, kind-hearted, and radiant girl everyone had always known. But behind closed doors, she grew dark. Her emotional volatility took over. I was constantly being blamed for her irrationally extreme emotions, told how I did and didn't feel, what I did and didn't think, and what I did or didn't intend by my words or actions. My own feelings were never validated, she didn't apologize for anything, and she wouldn't admit wrong. She wouldn't even answer my questions during an emotional discussion because she didn't know where my questions might lead. She had to feel right at all times. She constantly blamed me for trying to control her all the while I was feeling like she was the one trying to control me. Because I lacked a sense of strong personal identity, I began to assume she was right about everything she said. Despite my enduring patience and compassion, she saw me as the worst possible version of myself, and I began to believe her.

My patience and compassion began to fade, and I made the worst mistake of my life. I decided to show her how it felt to be treated the way she treated me. I began to react to my hurt in ways similar to how she did. Not only was that as counterproductive as it sounds, it also changed something within me, and only in recent months have I began to reclaim it in myself. I had no idea how self-destructive such a seemingly small decision would become.

I continued to struggle secretly with my addiction to pornography until one day it found it's way into the light. Understandably, my wife was crushed. She was hurt and angry. She had every right. Not only had I turned to the idea of other women, I'd violated her trust by hiding it.

I wish I could say that was the end of it, but the struggle continued full-on well into the second decade of our marriage. During that time, my struggle and dishonesty destroyed my sense of integrity and her trust in me. She's been amazing to try rebuilding many times, but understandably the hurt and broken trust is still there. I hadn't yet realized I was codependent, so I went to any extent necessary to make sure she was okay so I could be okay. Even lying about my issues.

Rewind to about year five of our marriage (which was a year or two after my addiction first came into the light). I'd decided I'd had enough of lying and the disconnection which came along with it, and I wrote her a note and bore my soul to her. I told her everything. Everything. All I had done that I covered up to protect myself, her, and our relationship. I wanted to come clean and move forward with a new identity of integrity and openness in our relationship. In my fantasy world, I imagined eventually being completely accepted as I openly continued to work through my struggles. It didn't exactly turn out like that. She was very hurt by what I told her, and that was to be expected. What I didn't expect is that despite the fact that she'd later tell me she forgave me for the things I'd confessed, they were from that day forward used as ammunition against my character in future discussions. Just like everything she already knew up to that point. Even to this day, she still brings up things from when we were dating. Though I know undoubtedly that honesty was the right decision, as the years went by, I couldn't help but feel a sense of regret for opening up to her. I'd tried to do what was right, but I ended up feeling like my best option was to continue lying while I worked through my issues. So that's what I did. And obviously, it wasn't the best decision. But I sometimes still find myself hiding truth when I fear her response. I've still got room for growth.

I offer this elaborate backstory on myself to build context for where I'm currently at. There's no doubt that I've created years of reinforced hurt in my wife's life. Most wouldn't have stuck with me through all of that. I know that clearly, and I couldn't be more grateful and yet remorseful. And all of this is her justification for all of her behaviors. Because I hurt her over and over, these are just the consequences. It's my fault she's the way she is. She acknowledges the trauma from her childhood, but her how she treats me is—in her mind—justified by my wrongs.

Despite my secret struggle and the lying that came with it, I've worked hard to be an excellent husband and dad. I've actively sought how to be a patient and serving husband. A man she could admire. I treat her with kindness and patience. I deal with arguments by remaining calm (in most cases), listening attentively, making her feel heard, and then sharing my own feelings and perspectives with the hopes of working collaboratively toward an agreeable solution. I bend whenever I can. I try to find ways to put her needs and wants above my own. I've looked introspectively at what I could be doing wrong in our relationship, and in so discovered may things including my codependency. Once I realized the selfish nature of me trying to make her okay so I could be okay, I quickly changed that. I have strong emotional feelings against manipulation, so that wasn't hard at all to change. I'd just never seen it that way before.

So here we are approaching our 25th anniversary, and I'm still blamed for the way she handles her feelings. I still can't share the way something makes me feel without her becoming defensive and hurt. There's always a price to pay for saying something that could possibly indicate she's wrong. Even when I specifically assure her I'm only sharing how something makes me feel and am not indicating she's done anything wrong. It would seem the easiest path is to stuff those feelings deep down and not say anything to her that would trigger her, and I tried that. Bad idea. We lived nearly a decade with a mostly peaceful marriage, but all the while I was unknowingly stewing with resentment and dealing with that in unhealthy ways. Continuing to lie as I struggled with addiction. I eventually broke and nearly ended the marriage. I pushed her away. I quit taking her blame and emotional abuse. I started standing up for myself. It's been a hard decade since for both of us. It took me about seven more years to discover my codependency, and only recently am I beginning to be okay with her making judgements about me which aren't true without feeling the need to make sure she understands the truth.

Over the years, she's read (at least in part) countless books trying to find healing for herself. Both from her childhood PTSD and trauma experienced because of my addiction. Since January, she's been meeting weekly with a pastor to work through the layers of issues that have defined for her who she is. I admire her persistent efforts to find true balance. I've seen her grow incredibly over the past year or so. It's encouraging.

At the same time, I have new concerns. As she's begun to work through her tendency to take on the problems and wants of everyone in her life (parents, step-family, friends, boyfriends, sisters, children, me)—which I think is both necessary and a very important step—it seems to me like she's taking it to an extreme. Now any need, desire, or hurt I express is deflected with a statement about how she's spent her whole life taking responsibility for others and she's not doing it anymore. She says it with a sense of empowerment like she's no longer going to be taken advantage of. But I've searched myself long and hard, and I truly don't feel like I'm being unreasonable when I tell her things like I want to be able to share my feelings without fear of consequence, or I feel lonely and need her affection, or any number of things where it seems to me to be a natural part of the marriage relationship.

Perhaps the most difficult of all is constantly questioning if some of her accusations are right. Am I really being controlling and manipulative? Is everything really always about me? Do I not really care about what she wants? I don't think so, but some are easier for me to answer than others. Most of what she accuses me of seem like projections, and I often feel she does what she's accusing me of. Even when she accuses me of things that seem against my character and the way I believe myself to be, am I blinded? After all, I didn't see the selfish nature of my codependence for most of our marriage. On the contrary, I thought I was being such a good husband by making sure she was okay. There are some things I still find myself questioning if there's really truth to what she's saying. That really messes with my sense of personal identity.

Except for my brief breakdown over 10 years ago, I've always defended our marriage and have fought hard to persevere and maintain it. However, part of me is starting to consider the words from numerous books I've read which say that people with behaviors like hers are unlikely to ever change. My resolve has weakened a little, but I don't want it to. I believe that marriage helps each of us to see things within ourselves which need growth and/or refinement. I just wonder if I want to commit myself to a lifetime of feeling all but invisible in my marriage. For now, I'm focused on becoming the best version of myself, discovering that it's okay for me to be my own person apart from her, to not constantly fear the potential consequences of how she may react to anything I say or do, and loving her unconditionally with compassion.

Other than reading and listening to books, I have zero connection with anyone whom I feel can understand the difficulty of my marriage. I appreciate the community here, and I look forward to learning from each of you and contributing however I can.

xredshoesx

welcome to the forum lifebalance-

from what you have shared you have been doing a lot of work to grow from the person you were when you and your wife got married, and you are at a crossroads with what happens next.  whatever you decide-  there are different sections of the discussion groups that can help you find your way to that next step.  we have folks that post on all these areas depending on what is going on with them individually, and we only ask you don't duplicate your postings when moving between the different boards.

Chosen Relationships

Comitted to Working On It

Separating and Divorcing

the way you described your position with your wife right now made me think of the concept of radical acceptance- i found a thread that may be of interest to you


https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=79653.msg692232#msg692232

i came to the boards about a year after my relationship with my ex ended.  at any given time during the period when we were actively breaking up i could have posted in any or all of those threads depending on the day and where i was at with my own codependency.  the boards have been a huge part of my own recovery and i hope they can be as helpful to you as they have been for me.

hope to see you on the boards soon-

lifebalance

Thank you so much for your feedback here, redshoes! I clicked through to each of these, and they're very helpful. Much appreciated.