I need to figure this out.

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11JB68

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I need to figure this out.
« on: June 13, 2020, 03:55:32 AM »
It's a really bad sign that it is about 2am where I am and I have not been able to get sleep yet, despite 3 Benadryl and two shots of whiskey!
Uocpdh is fighting with his client again... Only just started trying to go back to work after almost 4 months and already angry and stressed. He had a minor heart attach in February.
I know that people go back to stressful jobs (more stress than his probably...drs lawyers, Presidential candidates!) After heart attacks... But he 'needs to manage his stress level' so thinks he can only work 8 hours per week!!!
I felt like I was going to throw up!!
I need to find out if I leave will they calculate support on what he was making over past year or two... Or will a judge really say that I have to support him and but into this idea that he 'can't work'???
I feel like either way now, stay or go, I will be broke!! So unfair.
My feeling now is id rather be broke on m my own than with him.
Also he often implies he'd be suicidal if I left. Recently this 'threat' was stepped up even more than in the past...
I'm so scared of all of this but I cannot play his games any more.
And weirdly today he seemed to have some insight that he has problems... Actually asked if there's a pill that will make him not get mad at everything...I said yeah I think there probably is!
IDK if I'm going to have to do an intervention and try to get him to get help or if I'm going to have to just leave...
I doubt he will get help. And if he did he be smarter than the Dr therapist in his mind... So he wouldn't follow through anyway...
I actually cried tonight, which I really do any more...

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ChillNow

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Re: I need to figure this out.
« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2020, 08:47:12 AM »
Dear 11JB68,

Sending you warm thoughts!  After reading this post, I went back and read some of your other recent posts.  It sounds like you are beginning to drown emotionally because he is so very, very dependent, draining and unpredictable. 

I was at a similar point in November 2019, when my husband’s moods and behaviors hit new lows.  I gave him exactly one week to schedule a consultation with a professional ‘if he wanted to save this marriage.’  He didn’t and I moved out.

Have you considered setting a move-out date and focusing on making preparations?  By making the decision and setting a firm date you may find new purpose and strength. 

I wanted to add that the first time he called me about suicidal thoughts, I drove him to the doctor because I felt it was my civic duty.  Now he knows that if he calls about that again, I will not come - rather he is to call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.  11JB68, please prepare yourself for such calls and perhaps even checking himself into the psych ward.  The way I feel about that is that I gave as much as I could until I felt myself starting to ‘go down’ and now I don’t owe him my life. 

A person dear to me asked ‘does it make sense that both of you go down?’  I still feel that was good advice. I would not have had the strength or ability to keep compensating for his issues and keep my own health okay at the same time. 

Here is a quote that was helpful to me:  ‘....you have to act as a combination of a good parent and a psychotherapist.  If you do not want to spend the rest of your life helping to manage your mate’s self-esteem at your own expense, you should probably seriously consider leaving this relationship.’  Elinor Greenberg.

Sending warm and supportive thoughts your way!





« Last Edit: June 13, 2020, 08:57:22 AM by ChillNow »

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11JB68

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Re: I need to figure this out.
« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2020, 12:41:17 PM »
Thanks chill.... That quite is a good one and everything you said makes a lot of sense. Thank you.

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pushit

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Re: I need to figure this out.
« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2020, 02:43:26 PM »
Check with a lawyer regarding the laws in your jurisdiction, in mine they can impute salaries and make things right.  What this means is that a high earning brain surgeon can't just decide they will become a barista at Starbucks once their spouse files for divorce, in order to get out of paying maintenance or child support.  The courts will calculate the potential salary a person is able to earn and base maintenance off of that.  When we divorced they looked at our tax returns for several years prior to determine maintenance.  I think this is pretty common behavior in divorce court.  Every lawyer I spoke with called this "divorce flu" and made it clear that it's easy to get around.

You are correct in that it's better to be broke alone than be broke with them.  If you're broke alone, you have 100% control over what is spent and what is saved.  In fact, this is one of the biggest things that made my decision for me.  My lawyer explained that my spouse can do anything she wants while we're married and I would carry the burden of responsibility for it.  She could start a business, buy properties, go bankrupt, get fired and I'd have to own whatever problems she created.  My exPDw had been so unpredictable with money and her job near the end that once I heard that I couldn't file fast enough.  My lawyer explained that once I filed, that drew a hard line legally and she wasn't able to make any changes without justifying it.

Quick side story - Before I filed, I heard from a coworker that her husband all of a sudden moved back to his home country, stopped all contact and left her hanging with their young child.  She filed for divorce and found out that he had purchased a bunch of run down rental properties and was in way over his head financially.  She never knew anything about that, it was discovered during court filings.  I don't know the whole story, but I understand she had to file bankruptcy to get rid of the properties and completely start over.  Knowing what she was dealing with weighed heavily on my mind as I watched my exPDw make many strange decisions near the end of our marriage.  I was always wondering what I didn't know about.

Regarding the suicide threats - I think you need to take the burden off your shoulders and get professionals involved.  That's too big of an issue for you to handle alone.  I never dealt with these threats, but I was ready for it.  My plan if my exPDw ever threatened suicide was to call 911 and have them deal with it.  If your PD is anything like mine was, the suicide threats are just a form of control.  Once you shed light on it and make them explain it to other people it will likely go away quickly.  This is one area where you may want to be recording the conversations in your house (check laws on this first).  In my situation, my phone was constantly recording everything for the last three months.  I knew that if I called 911 she would likely claim I was abusing her when the cops showed up, but I was prepared to play back the audio of what had actually been happening.

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Poison Ivy

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Re: I need to figure this out.
« Reply #4 on: June 13, 2020, 06:25:21 PM »
My experience had some similarities to that of pushit. One of my biggest worries when I was married was about being dragged into financial and legal dangers because of my then-husband's behavior. When I filed for the divorce, our overall finances were actually better than they had been at some points in our marriage, but by then my husband was sharing accounts with his parents, and he probably was hiding money from me. My husband expressed interest a few times in cheating on our taxes, and he actually did so once very early on. I'm still ashamed that I didn't do anything about that. I knew it was wrong.

My main concern with getting divorced was the possibility that I would be ordered to pay maintenance (i.e., alimony) to my husband, but he agreed to not ask for it. I think he had some pride left. Good for him. Even if he had requested maintenance, he might not have gotten it; the lawyer I talked to said I might have been able to prove that my husband was shirking, i.e., intentionally underworking.

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GettingOOTF

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Re: I need to figure this out.
« Reply #5 on: June 13, 2020, 08:45:08 PM »
I was terrified my ex was going to ask for support. I made significantly more than him and we were in a lot of credit card debt which was mostly because of him.

I got him to agree to walk away from the marriage without any of my assets.  You never know how they will react when it comes down to it.

Courts see all sorts of games. What I learned long after I was free was that my situation wasn’t unique at all.

And as Poison Ivy says just because they ask for it doesn’t mean they get it. I’d speak with an attorney. Even if I had to pay my ex I’d still be better off without him in my life running up debt and causing all kinds of drama.