Martyrdom and threats of self harm

[Bunnyme]

Trigger warning about threats of self harm.

Ive written a few times now, and you have had helpful advice.  My husband is in a sober living house.  We are separated.  When he got out of rehab, he was angry with me.  Then he went over the top with flowers and such.  Then full martyr...he canceled his visitation with the kids again today because yesterday he felt sick, sort of.  He knows he isn't sick and feels fine, but didnt want to risk getting the kids sick and making me deal with sick children on top of all of the stress he has already caused me.  He wants to see them, but is doing it for me.

Then tonight, he called in a full panic.  Talked about how he feels so down and doesnt know how to deal with it.  He said maybe he is bipolar or suicidal.  I asked if he felt suicidal, and he said maybe he did, but he wasnt sure.  He said he is having issues with forgetting things and feeling out of body, like he doesnt know where he is.  He didnt think he could go on, etc., etc.  He had called his sister, before me, and she showed up to take him to the hospital.  Once she was there, they talked, and he decided that he didnt need to go to the hospital and was fine.  He calles me and thinks it is just stress and perhaps he shouldn't try to find a job.  He went on about how he gets overwhelmed not being with me and the kids, gets so down....   

I feel bad.  I do.  And I take threats seriously.  I urged him to still go to the hospital and call his sponsor.  I feel terrible saying this, but it feels like manipulation.   When I didnt immediately swoon and take him back when he brought flowers, he took the other tactic that he has used many, many times before with how he is a terrible person, we would be better off without him...  I do think he is mentally ill.   I feel like he needs a lot of help.  I also feel bad, like I'm abandoning him because of an illness, but I cant put up with it anymore.  I cant have our kids around it. 

I dont wish to minimize the seriousness of suicide.  I've lost friends and family members.  I believe he is suffering and afraid.  I just dont know what I can be doing at this stage that wont feed into it or give him false hope. 

[GettingOOTF]

My BPDxH used to threaten suicide. He did it when nothing else was getting him what he wanted from me. Of course I didn't see this at the time. I genuinely thought he was going to kill himself, it was awful. One day he called and threatened and I remember thinking what a relief it would be if he just did it. I told him to call his mother and let her know as if he did it I wouldn't tell her and it wold be too late for him to have the burial dictated by his religion.

He never threatened it again. He did find other things to get me to do what he wanted that were in many ways worse.

Looking back I wish I'd called 911 the first time he threatened.

I stayed with my ex for years longer than I wanted to because I felt so guilty. What kind of woman leaves her husband when he is so sick? His family also put a lot of pressure on me "he's trying so hard, why can you support him" etc.

I don't think there is anything you can do to help him. He has to work through these things himself and it sounds like he needs professional help. My ex was hospitalized multiple times, in an intensive out-patient program and working with two different therapists. Ultimately none of this helped as he blamed others for all his issues and his condition for all the bad things he did.

I look back and I wish I'd left sooner but I had my own path to walk and my own lessons to learn.

All you can really do is implement boundaries, for example "if you mention suicide I'm ending this call and calling 911 for a welfare check". Asking him to call his sponsor won't get him to, he doesn't want "help" he wants you to take him back so he can go back to the way things were. This was such a pattern with my ex. And I often took him back and this did nothing but enable him.

It sounds like hell. I remember well being in the middle of the worst of the chaos and drama, wanting to leave but feeling that I couldn't. Wanting to get him better so I'd feel better about leaving. For me it was a trap. Things never got better. The more I gave the more he needed.

[hhaw]

Looking back I wish I'd called 911 the first time he threatened.

[notrightinthehead]

....... I do think he is mentally ill.   I feel like he needs a lot of help.  .....

You said it. He needs a lot of help. Help that you cannot give him. Because if you could he would have been so much better by now. You tried everything in your power. You have exhausted yourself. Now let others take over. Call the professionals next time he threatens to self harm. Immediately. Don't listen to him at all after he says anything like that. Get off the phone and call the help line or police. And then do something that helps you. You need support as long as you are exposed to so much pressure. Can you restrict the contact? Maybe only take his calls during certain times of the day? Say between 18 and 20hrs? And not at all at any other times? Not even his messages? Just so that you get a break from all the pressure he puts on you?
I suspect that all this performance is to bully you to take him back NOW. Because he has promised that he is better. Have you checked out the list to decide if he has really changed? I Wish you strength and good luck.

[Bunnyme]

Things keep getting more bizarre.   I am worried for him to be around our children.  I got him to eventually sign a temporary child custody agreement where he has supervised visits and I have full  custody.   At this point, it is just an agreement, but I'm feeling like I need to file it with the court.  I'm considering telling him that he needs help that I cannot give him, and our communication needs to be in writing and limited to the kids.  I feel like I sound crazy paranoid saying that.  But it is true.  He was also saying how he is having lapses where he doesnt know where he is and is getting intense bad memories.  When he comes out of it, he doesn't know how long he has been out.  He also said that this is how he felt back in the fall (supposedly before drugs) when he left our 5 year old alone at the end of our driveway (45mph road) and drove to drop our daughter at daycare.  When I caught him in a lie about that before, he suddenly "couldn't remember it happening anymore."  He left drugs where the kids could get them, and stated in rehab that he just didnt care.  He thought if they died, he would just kill himself.  So, he can get very scary. 

[hhaw]

Please document everything as best you can.

It's important that you do this for your children.

[Poison Ivy]

 

[GettingOOTF]

It sounds like you are in a dangerous situation. He sounds unstable, desperate and like he is laying the groundwork for a defense.

Please be careful.

[Bowsy26]

Someone who just got out of rehab gets a followup plan which includes various contact numbers for just the kinds of issues you are noting.  That fact that he is calling you instead of those numbers says manipulation to me.  If, in fact, he wanted "help" with these issues, he would reach out to the proper person(s).  The fact that he is calling the person he knows he has been able to manipulate in the past says it all.  Much of what he is telling you sounds made up to me.  My dnpdh has done lots of drama including he had cancer.  Also that he had "chronic suicidal ideation".  After he was forced to see a specialist in that area, he was "cured" in six weeks.  So his "unconscious states" don't sound real to me.  If they are, he should contact the rehab center or make an appointment to see the proper doctor.  Telling you is just drama since you can't fix any of this anyway.  As for not seeing the children, it sounds more like he just doesn't want to see them for whatever reason.  Maybe he is using again already and thinks they may be able to tell or that you could if you saw him.  Addicts don't suddenly become empathetic and put themselves second.  It takes a long period of effort and recovery, usually years from listening to people I know who are in long term drug and alcohol recovery. 

I agree with telling him you are calling 911 and then doing it.  Don't stay on the phone with him until 911 arrives as it would just put you in the middle of his drama, which is what he wants.