Update boyfreind's ex (Or him for that matter)

[Christy22]

Hello!

Update as boyfriend's ex made some mistakes (She was due to move out of state with married boyfriend).  Married boyfriend moved out of state, they broke up, then got back together via an LTR for a while, but now are done. 

She has been stepping up and making up for lost time (Taking son a lot more, doing nice things) and my boyfriend is furious.  He has begun badmouthing her in front of his son and once in front of my kids during his son's bday party) and I told him that he should not be badmouthing her to his son.  I bought the books fellow posters have suggested, read them and gave them to him but he didn't read them.  I have been seeing some wrong doing in his side.

Due to Covid 19, I have asked for some space as I have been able to look back at our relationship.  Because of this he is exhibiting behavior that I describe in my letter to him.   We are due to have a phone with his therapist next week.  I have composed the following:

~You said to me a few months ago, "We should get married" while drunk without any prior discussion.

~Two weeks ago, you proposed to me without a ring.

~Last week you stated twice "Let's go look at engagement rings."

~You stated Thursday morning that you wanted to look at engagement rings only to call me that afternoon to ask if I can go on an errand with you.  When I asked what that errand was you stated he wanted to get me a "bracelet."

~You are too concerned that your ex-wife is taking your son to Bermuda, you want to take him on a trip to one-up her instead of focusing on our relationship.

~You are too concerned that ex-wife takes your son to the beach and he has fun.  You stated that you want to "Force him to go to the same beach with you" to one-up her instead of focusing your time together.

~You told me you want to buy a house with me.  When I asked you how much you have for a down payment you said you have no money.  Yet a few months ago you said you have a large amount of savings. 

~Your ex-wife was allowed to put a major strain on our relationship and I have not felt the same since. I am now resentful and I don't know how or if we even can rebuild our relationship.

~The fact that you have been mentioning marriage and engagement rings lately makes me feel that you are "playing" me and holding me responsible for our relationship not moving forward.

~You need to focus on and deal with your own life before marriage and I will decide if I want to be part of it. I care for you but you need to fix yourself emotionally and financially.  You have a lot of work to do with your family and we will either part ways or get stronger.

Thoughts?

Thanks and stay safe!

[GettingOOTF]

There are a lot of red flags here. I would think long and hard about having this man in your life and around your children.  He is not their father and they do not deserve to be exposed to his own family drama and his issues. He seems like he has a lot to work through. He sounds like a Project rather than a partner.

The situation with his ex and son will be the situation with you and any shared children you have together if you break up. This is something you should give a lot of thought to.

I see so so so much of myself in your posts. You are doing so much of what I did in the early days of my relationship with my BPDxH. I see so much of my exes insecurities, lack of stability and inability to acknowledge his part in situations in your boyfriend.

My first thought when reading your intro post when you posted it was “why is she here looking for help and not him?”. You seem to be doing all the heavy lifting in this relationship, making all the effort and sacrifices.

You have your own children to take care of. There are plenty of divorced men out there with healthy boundaries with their exes who are loving and supportive of their own kids and would be of others. Your partner doesn’t seem to be in a space to support his own son, let alone be there for someone else’s.

Reading Codependent No More really changed my life. I recommend it to everyone here in these relationships. I wish I’d read it years before I did.

My thoughts are that men like this never work through their “stuff”, instead they find women like us who will help “fix” them. We do all the changing and all the work. Of course you cannot fix another person so these ultimately are not happy relationships. Your telling him to focus on his own stuff and then you will decide won’t get him to focus on himself and come back the person you want him to be. It will simply get him to do what it takes to get you to agree to what he wants, then it will be even harder for you to leave.

It’s really really sad about his son. It’s great that you want to look out for him but odds are that boy has a very long and hard road ahead of him. Your children should not have to bear the burden of your partner’s family issues. Your children only get one childhood. One chance at seeing healthy family bonds form.

I stopped dating for years to work on myself. I gave up on a relationship that I wanted more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but it was clear the guy wasn’t going to change or make any effort to be the partner I wanted. I don’t need another Project and your children certainly don’t. Those are my thoughts.

[Penny Lane]

My thought is that you are definitely right to not agree to get married to him right now!

At best, he has a LOT of healing to do from a toxic relationship before he's ready to be a good partner to you. At worst, he dramatically overstated his wife's bad behavior and undersold his own bad behavior, and you're now starting to see it.

I don't think you want to spend the rest of your life hearing your husband badmouth his ex to their son. I don't think you want your kids to see it. I don't think you want to witness this situation going on for YEARS and see your husband not lifting a finger to improve it. So in that sense it doesn't matter where the situation falls on the spectrum of how bad it is because the current situation is not liveable.

I hope you get the clarity you are seeking, and I hope you will hold out for more than talk from him. I would want to see a sustained commitment to change and to good behavior before I would move forward.

I think you have a really good understanding of the situation and your gut is totally correct. I'm sorry, though, I know this isn't what you wanted.

[BeautifulCrazy]

My thoughts:

Look at what he DOES. Not what he SAYS. Especially if they do not align.

Past behavior is generally a good predictor of future behavior. Are you going to be the next woman he badmouths in front of her kids?

Have you actually seen growth / change / improvement in any of the relationships in his life? Not just talk?

If you feel like you are being "played" or manipulated, you probably are. (Unless you have major trust issues / paranoia with everyone else in your life as well.) Trust your instinct, don't ignore it.

[hhaw]

More than being manipulated or played....

I think your PD is letting you know he won't ever read the books you've suggested, he won't ever limit the damage his ex wife, divorce and what appears to be toxic relationship with his son.... is going to DO to your life with him. 

He's letting you know he's committed to being jealous, toxic, reactive and childlike in his behaviors with his son and ex and all this WHILE HE'S in early stages of his relationship with YOU.  THIS is the honeymoon phase.   Think of what things will look like once they've headed downhill, into him NOT being on his best behavior.

Think what he'll be like once he's got you, married to him, contractually obligated, with your kids in the middle of things...... think how little he's NOT protecting his own son, how he's weaponizing that boy...... what will this man be like with your children?  With you?  Drunk?  Sober?  At children's birthday parties, for Pete's sake. 

If I were going to give advice, which I'm not, I'd think about how fast I can move OUT of a situation,  and end all contact. 

Things aren't going to get better, IME. 

Oh, and.....
One person can't make two people happy, but one person can make two people miserable, IME.

I'm thinking you have some reflecting to do on your motivation for being involved with this man.

You're reading books your bf should be reading.  You're trying to protect his son, when he is not.  You're willing to speak to the T about solving the problems.   You want to take care of problems right in your face now, while the bf wants to tie the knot and strap himself TO you without resolving anything, admitting anything, deciding there's a problem. 

He's focused on punishing his wife, and jerking his son around to do it. 

I think he believes you'll go all starry-eyed over marriage and rings and talk of buying houses, bc he wants to shift your focus from what you're focusing on..... his flawed, immature, dysfunctional way of dealing with his ex, his child, and his relationship with you. 

Take a good look. 

He's telling you who he is... showing you.

I suggest you believe him.





 

[Stepping lightly]

Hi Christy,

First- I think it is great that you are acknowledging all of the things going on and not just sticking your head in the sand.  You are definitely doing your self a favor taking a step back to assess your relationship.  One of the things I had to reconcile when I was dating DH, the issues with BM would NOT get better, ever, not matter what what I did.  She is just mean, her brain does not work the same way ours does, you can't rationale through the tough situations. 

Because BM will not get better, you are likely aware of the emotional toll this will take on you over the long haul.  You may have lulls in the drama/chaos, but while you are "enjoying those times" you may be living in fear on when they will end.  In order to live a somewhat enjoyable life, you need to have an incredibly strong partner next to you.  He blocks me as much as he possible can from everything BM related.  Early on, I wanted to "help", but now I know I can't emotionally handle the constant nastiness from BM.  DH has cut her off for the most part, and I can tell when something is stirring/bothering him.....but he keeps me out of it if he can.  Beyond keeping me out of the chaos, he strives to keep the kids out of the chaos....that is critical.

Your home should be a place of safety and comfort for both you, your children, his child.  You deserve a partner that strives to provide that for everyone.  I have been extremely lucky with DH, and the road has still been emotionally tough dealing with all that is thrown our way, I don't think I would have made it if DH had continued to drag me into the chaos and had not protected me.

[Christy22]

Hello,

Thank you for your replies.  Yes, I am acknowledging everything that's going on.  I guess I misread BM, as it seemed she was stepping up, spending a lot of time with their son, doing fun things, ect....In reality she was working her spell...

My post originated due to BM began having son facetime BF when we are together (With mom standing behind him) demanding to know where he was and if I was with him.  BM then got on the facetime and told him that their son hates me (May I remind you that we don't have kids involved, I have not been around his son in nine months).   She said she can't make him like me.  I told BF that I don't feel comfortable as I will not spend my free time being harassed to someone I have no ties to. 

BM has started stopping by BF's house and taking their son to dinner on BF's time and now their son has announced to BF that he no longer wants to live with him. 
I told BF to document and contact his lawyer...Not sure if he has.   I also told him that I cannot and will not deal with her.  I'll keep you posted!!

[Christy22]

Update: BF obtained an attorney who told him he owes $15,000 in back CS (When she left to go with married man and they agreed through an email that she was giving up all parenting duties and did not want CS) and they are now trying to figure out custody, which has been dragging out. 

She recently told their son that "So and so saw your FATHER with Christy" and how there is rumors that I am dating other men.  She told their son that we have been spotted in public by her friends and I am going to give everyone coronavirus and she and his maternal grandmother are going to die.  She has child FaceTime BF on her custodial days to talk nonsense.  She stands behind child and BF is asked, "Where are you?" "At beach," "R u with Christy?" "No," "Prove it," (He has to panoramic the area) XW gets on FaceTime, announces son is staying an extra day/extra week, and "What do you care you are with your GF and our son hates her anyway." (This is all prior to my original post about the engagement and such, as I have not been around BF lately).

So, my question is...BF's attorney who has done nothing.  Attorney said he can't do anything about any of her actions.  Attorney said he wants to meet me and I may be subpoenaed.  I told BF, "For what? I've met your child 4x over a year ago."  Attorney also told BF they he should have family therapy with his child and his XW, to which BF's therapist highly disagrees.  I told BF to get the custody order/CS modified, stick by it and get rid of this attorney ASAP. 

[GettingOOTF]

Has your BF’s attorney really done nothing or is there nothing that he can legally do? Those are two very different things.

If your BF’s very own attorney is telling him that he owes $15k in back child support then he likely does.

CS is for the child, it’s legally required that parents support their children. The courts look at it this way, not why someone left. The fact that she was with a married man has no impact on the support needs of her son. I would look at this as a red flag around his willingness to meet any obligations. I went out with someone who told me he only saw his 3 kids a couple of times a year due to “work”. I didn’t see him again as this was a giant red flag to me. $15k outstanding CS I think I would have left in the middle of the date.

You are only getting your BF’s side of the story. The more you post the more it seems like he is the issue here. It’s a very concerning situation.

You are investing a lot of time and energy in to trying to fix what seems like a very broken man who doesn’t want to be fixed.

Your BF’s relationship with his ex, his son and his attorney are exactly that - his relationship.

Clearly we can’t judge from your posts but from what you’ve written it seems like his attorney is giving him good counsel.

If he were here asking the things you are it wound he different. He’s not and he doesn’t seem to want the help you are trying so hard to give him.

I have been where you are with men like this more than once. I really wish I’d realized earlier that they neither wanted nor needed my help. I invested so much of my precious time and energy in them.

[hhaw]

If BF doesn't have child support modification IN WRITING, and signed by the BM...

If BF isn't properly documenting all communication with BM.....

If BF hasn't provided any proof of his case.....

he's not giving his attorney anything to fight his case with, IME.

And maybe the BF would benefit from having a mental health professional SEE and HEAR everything he and his ex and child have to say.

Perhaps that could be one avenue of documenting what's going on here.

Just saying.... you can't do this for your BF. 

[Christy22]

Hello,

Thanks for the replies.  I'm not disputing the fact he owes CS as I advised him to get emergency custody when she left but he didn't.

I know he has sent emails to his attorney with information about what has been happening.  Not sure what is happening when he meets the attorney as I have trying to stay out of it..I still do not know why his attorney wants to meet me.

I told him that I NOT meeting him as his custody agreement and CS modification has nothing to do with me.  All I can do is stay out of the drama.  I told him that I can help with research and brainstorming, but he has to take care of this on his own. 

[Stepping lightly]

Keep in mind that if you meet with the attorney, your conversation is not confidential.  Additionally, if you are in the room with BF and his attorney, opposing counsel can ask you to provide details of what was discussed.  I was warned of this when DH and I were dating, and we were very careful. You are not the client, make sure to check on details with his attorney.

[Christy22]

Thank you, I will keep that in mind...I have no intention of meeting with the attorney or going with BF to meet attorney.