Budgeting and planning

[11JB68]

Today I started really trying to look at the numbers and draft a budget.
I think I would probably be ok.
Also a friend suggested a great apt search site and I've been browsing on there and I think found a city not too far from my job and with lower rent ranges than I had been seeing. Even saw one with a deck overlooking a river!!
I probably really need to get these positive visualizations into my head to help me move forward.
It was bookkeeping day at home with uocpdh so I really too my time and reviewed OUR monthly expenses and tried to figure how MINE might be different (I don't think I would spend 200/month on a landline we rarely use and a cable TV package for example!)

[Poison Ivy]

I'm glad you're starting to look at actual numbers, and I'm glad that you're feeling some optimism.

[GettingOOTF]

I'm glad you are looking at numbers too.

The landline and cable were two of the things I cut when I left too.

When I tried to think about life alone it was a big black hole of unknown. It wasn't easy but I did it. If it's something you want you can do it too.

[BeautifulCrazy]

Oh my gosh JB!! Good for you!! 

For me it was a huge step just to recognize that a life without my uPDh was possible and start exploring options. I am proud of you!

I started budgeting, planning and disentangling months ago, at the end of January.
I opened a new bank account and arranged direct deposit of my pay there. Lots of grief about that initially.
I separated my phone and my auto insurance from our shared plans and started my own accounts. There was no hiding that or explaining it, so things have been rough.
I rented a small storage unit and have been slowly moving some of my things and my children's.  I don't think my H has noticed. His hoarding kind of covers the space as I create it, which has been a blessing.
I have been looking at rental houses and apartments online and have gone and looked at several now that the market has opened back up somewhat. I am actually waiting to hear about a rental I filled an application for. They should be getting back to me tomorrow!!
So I am still here but the end is in sight. I have to tell you, once the momentum starts, it gets easier. Little steps and successes build on each other and build confidence. The everyday with my uPDh is easier too, because I know it will soon be over. I have so much to look forward to and be excited about!

You are lovely and deserve good things. I am looking forward to hearing about your journey!
Sending you all my best wishes and loving support.

~BC

[notrightinthehead]

Wow! 11JB you have come so far!

[blacksheep7]

Wow! 11JB you have come so far!

I agree!!   Bravo

[11JB68]

Thanks everyone.
I can definitely picture a life without him. Just to be able to live my own life.... Get up when I want, eat what and where I want, exercise when/how/where I want, (not) watch TV... Go to bed when I want... Spend my weekends/time of how I choose, spend money on what I choose... Spend more time outdoors, spend time having fun with friends and ds.
I know that I cannot start making moves with finances etc.
I will need to make a decision and be ready to just go. He will be a mess.
He controls all finances etc, so I will just have to go and then let the lawyer deal with it.
I have a friend I can stay with til the dust settles.
Once I tell him, I will not be able to be with him. The drama would be too
much.

[Bowsy26]

I'm so glad for you!!  When I finally put together a budget, it eased my fears so much cause I could see that I could make ends meet.  Love the positive visualizations. Mine revolve around not having every thought I express or request that I make be debated.  Just lovely peace and quiet.

On the practical side, I bought some of those suction storage bags that shrink down. I was able to get all my fall/winter stuff packed and he thinks I'm just storing them. Have another that half the towels, sheets, etc., will be going in soon. 

[BeautifulCrazy]

Hooray Bowsy!!
I was doing that very thing this morning!!
Just taking the winter things out of the closets and shrinking them down for storage.... (in my secret storage unit ha ha!)
I was humming while I worked and uPDh walked by with a snarky comment about how nice it was I was being efficient and making space. If he only knew....

[pushit]

Awesome for both of you! 

I remember those days of discretely packing things.  In my situation my exPDw badly wanted to move.  We had only been in the house two years, but she quickly destroyed the relationship with the elementary school, so we were forced to enroll our oldest in a neighboring district.  I was allowed no choice in where we moved or what we bought, so I fought it for 3-4 years.  A few months before I filed, I "agreed" that we would move and started putting some things in storage so we could stage the house.  Mostly my prized possessions, and she never figured out what I was doing.

I also remember putting together an Excel spreadsheet to figure out divorce finances.  I only did that at work, because I was concerned she might find it.  That's a great feeling when you see the numbers add up and that you can make it on your own.

I wish you both the best of luck.  Stand strong with your decision and don't look back!!!

[11JB68]

I do feel like every step forward I take a step back. I read more and then get scared all over again.
Something on a lawyers web site about having to go back and record all assets etc brought into the marriage, contributions etc. It's been almost 30 years! That seems overwhelming... Also yes there were years he made more than I did... Now I'm trying to remember/sort that info out. Something about gifts and inheritances... Years when he really wasn't working, and I was still working part time because he needed me to help him with his business, his parents gave 'us' money. Checks of course payable to him... But then he'd write checks to me to pay the mortgage or for a car.... So does that money go back to him when we divide our assets?? In my mind that money only replaced what he should have been contributing to our family.
I'm so confused.
Also, when we opened ds bank account when he started college we put my name on it...ds has money saved for grad school... Will that account be considered my asset?? Ugh. If so I should remove myself... But that would start interrogation by uocpdh and he's on charge of all financial decisions...

[pushit]

You really need to speak to a lawyer regarding the laws in your jurisdiction.  They'll know exactly how it works and what you need to be prepared with.  The internet and people on this forum can't help you sort through the specifics in your area like a lawyer could.  I remember being very confused by what I read on legal websites, and my lawyer cleared it up very quickly for me.

In my jurisdiction it was simple.  Anything you had before the marriage was considered yours, and anything during the marriage we were both equally responsible for.  Gifts, inheritances, debts, college investment accounts, retirement accounts, furniture, etc that came about while we were married were to be split 50/50 no matter whose name it was in.  You can always negotiate things too.  I took responsibility for a car loan in order to keep an ATV and mountain bike, stuff like that.  I did not go after my exPDw's inheritance, as I knew that would only make the smear campaign worse (and I felt she should keep it).  That did however give me a good bargaining chip for other things like the college accounts, they are now in my name only and I am in control of them.  I wanted to do that for the kids so she can't control them through that money.  (if you don't go to xyz college, I won't pay for it....stuff like that)  The college accounts were not considered my personal asset by the courts, FYI.

You will have time after you file to get financial data together.  My financial data was initially due about a month after filing, and exPDw couldn't get her act together enough to submit hers so it kept getting extended.  I was only at 10 years, I can't imagine how many forgotten accounts and transactions you would have to recall for 30 years!!  But don't sweat it, they didn't ask me to remember every little detail.  Basically, they took a snapshot of our financial reality at that moment, accounted for big things that each party brought into the marriage, and we didn't get down to the penny on who made more money ten years ago.  They looked at W-2's for two years prior to determine maintenance and child support.  It's a negotiated settlement, whatever you can think of that matters is what you should be aware of and fight for if you want it.  For instance (knowing very little about your situation) - If someone were a homemaker for 30 years while their husband made big money and had a $2 million inheritance, then I would recommend to fight for half of that inheritance and maintenance.  Just don't get caught up in worrying about who got a $5k work bonus 18 years ago, because I found the courts don't care about details like that.

What I learned overall is that the courts deal with this a lot, so there are pretty simple formulas in place to split things up fairly if the wife/husband can't negotiate it out.  When you're armed with the knowledge of what is rightfully yours it gives you the confidence to not back down and expect to receive it.

[Poison Ivy]

Good summary by pushit. My state has similar laws, and my experience was similar to his (although my marriage was longer, 33 years).

[11JB68]

Thank you pushit... That sounds reasonable and made me feel a bit better.
Today I reached out to a trusted coworker who happens to handle our offices health plan with questions about how that works: can ex stay on the plan or not, cost difference for me plus ds vs family plan etc