She had a 'widowmaker" and survived...

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alphaomega

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She had a 'widowmaker" and survived...
« on: June 14, 2020, 01:21:48 PM »
Two weeks ago, at 87 years old, my NPDM had a widowmaker heart attack (the same kind that killed my dad at 67) and is currently alive and well and convalescing at a skilled nursing facility.

I always said, with a literal laundry list of everything that can go wrong with the human body having happened over the course of her life, the ONE thing that Never was affected was her heart.  Because she never used it...

So here we are AGAIN. 

Death Dress Rehearsal Number 22.   :-[

I of course, assumed, that after a widowmaker, and her one kidney starting to shut down, and CDIF along with a bladder infection, that I needed to "prepare" myself, once again, for her final bow.

So I, of course, had to once again, go through the myriad of emotions that cascade along with that.

Fear, intense sorrow, weeping, conflicted, tiny amounts of elation from finally being free...

I have literally done this atleast 20 times.

I'm exhausted.

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: She had a 'widowmaker" and survived...
« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2020, 01:44:16 PM »
Wow alphaomega, she pulled through all that and so much more? No wonder you're exhausted.

Please do some good self-care for yourself. Do what you want to do today. I hope you can put this on the back burner for a while and decompress a little.

 :hug:

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alphaomega

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Re: She had a 'widowmaker" and survived...
« Reply #2 on: June 14, 2020, 01:47:04 PM »
Thanks Sunnymeadow/ :hug:

The Covid has been a Godsend in that atleast I didnt have to go to the hospital (cant) and cant go to skilled nursing either.

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Psuedonym

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Re: She had a 'widowmaker" and survived...
« Reply #3 on: June 14, 2020, 04:03:07 PM »
alphaomega! Hello friend!  :bighug:

You know I just went back and looked at one of your posts where we were discussing moving your mother to AL and how similar our parents were – it was where the name Negtron was born – and it brought back all the memories of that stress.  :sadno: I hope you are well and taking care of yourself!

I don't know about you but I was convinced, convinced, that Negatron would outlive me. I would say to my H, 'she's going to live forever and ever and I will never be rid of this' and he would say 'nope, she won't be around that much longer'....and he was right. She died a couple of weeks ago, weirdly not long after Ray of WomanInterrupted fame also died. It was very quick, much like your M, she had been complaining about her health and 'dying' for decades. She went into the hospital for some tests on Thursday (having shortness of breath) and on Friday morning the doctors called and said she was in a coma and wouldn't make it through the day. I didn't really believe it until they called back and said she'd died.  :blink:

She was 90, which is a few years older than your mother is now. If I could go back and talk to myself a few years ago I would say 'even though you don't think it will end, it will. She's not going to outlive you and once she's gone it's going to be as big a relief as you suspect it will be'...so. that's what I'm going to tell you. I was worried  that somehow I'd still feel all the same stresses/C-PTSD symptoms but you know what? Nope. Nothing but peaceful feelings here.

I know you're exhausted. It's exhausting. But you will get through this and things will get better.

 :hug:

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: She had a 'widowmaker" and survived...
« Reply #4 on: June 14, 2020, 06:08:46 PM »
She was 90, which is a few years older than your mother is now. If I could go back and talk to myself a few years ago I would say 'even though you don't think it will end, it will. She's not going to outlive you and once she's gone it's going to be as big a relief as you suspect it will be'...so. that's what I'm going to tell you. I was worried  that somehow I'd still feel all the same stresses/C-PTSD symptoms but you know what? Nope. Nothing but peaceful feelings here. 

 :grouphug:

Thank you for this message to alphaomega, I take comfort from it too. Mine is 87 and I also think she's going to go on forever.  :(

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Adrianna

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Re: She had a 'widowmaker" and survived...
« Reply #5 on: June 15, 2020, 11:06:50 PM »
My grandmother is 98, tested positive for the virus at the nursing home but had no symptoms except a 99 degree fever. When they called to tell me she tested positive I was a bit surprised but assumed she’d be fine, which she is. I probably didn’t react like most in that I was pretty chill about it. Then again I have a long history of dealing with her impending death.

She too has been “dying” for well over a decade. I can’t recall all the times she tried to prepare me, telling me this is it, she won’t make it much longer, trying to get sympathy and attention from me. I was exhausted too. It takes a toll. Years ago I used to get really worked up, feeling awful about it and concerned about her, and towards the end  when she was at home I’d just brush it off and say, yeah, you’ve said that before and you’re still here. Sounds heartless but the boy who cried wolf loses his audience eventually. 

I fully expect her to live to be over 100. I too used to think she’s going to outlive me. In fact I used to joke that after the apocalypse it would be just her left on the planet, the lone survivor of a destroyed world. Her whining that there’s no one to do things for her because they are all gone. She seems indestructible. I know she’s actually not, I mean she is human, but to me she sure seems it.
Practice an attitude of gratitude.

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11JB68

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Re: She had a 'widowmaker" and survived...
« Reply #6 on: June 16, 2020, 09:19:54 AM »
My uocpdh did also!

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Fiasco

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Re: She had a 'widowmaker" and survived...
« Reply #7 on: June 16, 2020, 05:32:46 PM »
Ugh. BPDm is now fully recovered from a traumatic injury which at one point her her paralyzed, with a trach, feeding port in her stomach, pacemaker, the works. She’s literally fine now. I can’t even some days.

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Pepin

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Re: She had a 'widowmaker" and survived...
« Reply #8 on: June 16, 2020, 07:35:16 PM »
Isn't it amazing that PDs are able to overcome some of the most challenging health scenarios?  I really cannot wrap my head around it.  They just seem to keep going and going, fighting and kicking until their very end.

That being said, NF had a recent heat attack at the age of 88.  No news so I am assuming everything is fine and he overcame it.   :blink:  Yeah, my bad but enough already with drawing out his end.  My advanced directive is worded to say that if something happens to me, no feeding tubes, resuscitation, etc. because honestly, I'm ready to go.  I'm exhausted from NF and quite frankly PDmil.  And the both of them seem as though they are going to go on forever. 
Why work so hard to have a relationship with someone that does not care the same way as you?

No PD is going to tell me what to do.

Born into a dysfunctional family and married into a dysfunctional family.

People who don't bring joy, let them go.

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alphaomega

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Re: She had a 'widowmaker" and survived...
« Reply #9 on: June 18, 2020, 06:09:21 PM »
......and shes back in the hospital.

UTI and a fractured vertebra - so she cant walk at all.

I have total and complete trauma fatigue.

I have cared so long, I literally can NOT anymore.

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: She had a 'widowmaker" and survived...
« Reply #10 on: June 18, 2020, 07:07:49 PM »
I'm sorry alphaomega, how exhausting.

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Andeza

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Re: She had a 'widowmaker" and survived...
« Reply #11 on: June 19, 2020, 12:02:16 AM »
It's okay, you don't have to care at this point. She has other people (that are getting paid to put up with her) taking care of her right now.

The most important thing right now is caring for yourself. You need extra attention right now for your own needs. Extra quiet time especially to recover from the constant barrage of this, that, and another you've been dealing with for waaaaaaay too long.

Sounds like she's not going anywhere for a while at the moment.

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Adrianna

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Re: She had a 'widowmaker" and survived...
« Reply #12 on: June 20, 2020, 09:13:28 PM »
It’s ok to feel that way. You’ve cared more than any human being should to the detriment of your own health.

She’s in a facility, she’s being cared for, she’s good. Time for you to tend to yourself which if you’re like the rest of us is something you have to practice because we were always taught our needs don’t matter.

They do though! Self care and rest.
Practice an attitude of gratitude.

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lkdrymom

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Re: She had a 'widowmaker" and survived...
« Reply #13 on: June 27, 2020, 07:59:54 PM »
Death dress rehearsal #22...I love that!

Been through just as many myself.  My father has insisted he is dying "THIS TIME" more times than I can count.  Last month he fell then ended in rehab...then caught covid in rehab...this week he was readmitted to ER.  He is showing symptoms of covid and he recently had a heart attack.  I would bet any amount that this is still only a 'dress rehearsal'.

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alphaomega

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Re: She had a 'widowmaker" and survived...
« Reply #14 on: July 25, 2020, 02:17:07 PM »
I went to see her at her skilled nursing facility yesterday, and have had an emotional hangover ever since.

Six weeks after her heart attack, and no clear end in sight of constant pain,  the doctors asked me if I wanted to place her in a hospice status. 

Of course I grappled with that decision for obvious reasons (as in, do I now get to add "Henchman" to my laundry list of things to feel guilty about?) :upsidedown:

But after discussing with various people, nurses and doctors as well as friends, I understood that being placed "in Hospice" opens up a whole other level of comfort meds (aka, antianxiolitics, morphine, etc)  and that it would be more merciful to keep her comfortable at this point, than constantly poking and prodding her and sending her to the ER and hospital.

As I was standing there, she in total lala land managed to make her appearance and MY appearance the topics of whatever that conversation became.

Here she lies dying, but manages to ask me if she looks skinny ?!?!?!?!?!?

Ummmmmm, hmmmmmm....... sure ? :blink:

But that would be because youre kinda.....DYING ????? :sadno:

You just cant make this crap up.


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lkdrymom

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Re: She had a 'widowmaker" and survived...
« Reply #15 on: July 25, 2020, 05:51:39 PM »
She sounds alot like my grandmother.  The apocalypse could be happening and she would  be asking how her hair looked.

Turns out my father was finally right. It wasn't a dress rehearsal this time.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: She had a 'widowmaker" and survived...
« Reply #16 on: July 26, 2020, 03:55:44 AM »
UnBPD Didi was the same way - her neighbor told me she asked if a lot of people came to see her leave in the ambulance.

The neighbor, MORE than exasperated, said, "Who DOES that!?!?"

I think we all know who does that - which is why we're here!   :doh:

Didi had some serious health problems which were always ignored for "sexier" ones, or ones she thought might get people to the hospital to visit her - and she was always more concerned with how she looked than how her health actually was, telling me her health was MY job.   :aaauuugh: :blink: :thumbdown:

Except it wasn't and I bowed out of the picture, and my only wish, in retrospect, is I'd blocked her number and gone NC, for my own sanity.

 :hug:

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Adrianna

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Re: She had a 'widowmaker" and survived...
« Reply #17 on: July 26, 2020, 11:42:20 PM »
My grandmother frequently would ask “does everyone know I’m here?” at the ER. I’d be like yeah, kind of hard to miss the ambulance and your drama in the neighborhood.

Once she had me and the neighbors there in the ER worrying about her and was upset that the nephew’s wife (who later moved across country) wasn’t there.. she wanted an audience.  I think of it like a queen on her throne wanting as many admirers as possible. Ends up she is the “queen” type of BPD from the book I read. It fit her perfectly when I read the description.

Practice an attitude of gratitude.

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alphaomega

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Re: She had a 'widowmaker" and survived...
« Reply #18 on: July 28, 2020, 11:12:57 AM »
En Fentanyl and Dilaudid es Veritas

Thanks to the "hospice kit" NPDM masks are flying off faster than she can grab them up and tuck them under her blankets...

She called me yesterday, firstly to yell at ME for "not giving me the number to call YOU"  (as she is speaking to me... :stars:
Rather than arguing with the nonsense, I just went, hmmm thats weird.

But then she went onto a diatribe about "dumplings"  and "Shes STARRRRVVVVINGGGG" and she needs dumplings.
Dumplings, dumplings, dumplings.

I said "Yes, of course mom, I will make sure that I grubhub you some chicken soup with those dumplings you like". 

She doesnt comprehend the whole "Covid-19" restrictions that are in place at nursing homes, so she kept saying YOU NEED TO BRING THEM.
Then tomorrow Mr. AO needs to bring more.

This went on for about 15 minutes. 

Alot of her favorite way to start a conversation which is
"Heres the situation..."

I blew it off, like thats just the med's talking.
But then....

She forgets shes talking to ME and proceeds to talk about ME, behind my back, to my face (?)... :doh:

"You know that AO is CRAZY and she CANT do things !!!"

Ummmmmmmmm.....

I realized this morning that her whole life, she has been in search of the "perfect dumpling".  She never could make them.  They always fell apart for her.  And when other people would try to make them for her, they were always, too chewy, too soupy, too dense, too, tooo , toooooo, tooooooooo :angel:

She was screaming "IM STARVING" similar to when the Wicked Witch of the West was screaming "I'm MELTINNNNGGGGG !!!"

Dumplings = Narcissitic supply.... :aaauuugh:

When she started to demand that my husband (who she has absolutely treated like shit our entire 25 year marriage) bring her dumplings TOMORROW TOO. 
And the next day...

I realized, he was always a giant source of SUPPLY for her.  She controlled us financially, me emotionally (and therefore our marriage also), and his fear of her and what she was capable of, kept him from cutting her off entirely.

This is a absolutely fascinating epiphany !!! :yes: :applause:

Stay tuned.



:grouphug:



« Last Edit: July 28, 2020, 11:50:30 AM by alphaomega »

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: She had a 'widowmaker" and survived...
« Reply #19 on: July 28, 2020, 11:26:48 AM »

She forgets shes talking to ME and proceeds to talk about ME, behind my back, to my face (?)... :doh:

"You know that AO is CRAZY and she CANT do things !!!"

Ummmmmmmmm.....

 :aaauuugh:

Just when you think you've heard everything. Drama around dumplings ...  :doh:

Sorry you're dealing with this nonsense.