New here - glad to have found this site

[findingmypath]

I actually found this site at least 5 years ago, which shows how long I've been kind of in the same place.  I've been married 11 years to an uNPDh, and together with him for more than 20 years.   From the first week I spent with him, I knew something was off - I didn't feel great when I was with him - I felt repressed or restrained.  I didn't know why then, but I think it is the constant focus on him, the constant attempts to do everything the way he likes, to find a way that makes him happy and not angry that wore me down.

20 years later, I'm completely worn down.   It's terrible to be in a relationship where your opinions, ideas, feelings don't matter at all. I find it hard to be happy, I'm stressed all the time, hard to do anything at all without agonizing about how my H is doing to respond.   At the moment, he is finding every single thing I do to be wrong.  Reactions are smaller (yelling, snide remarks, cruel jokes) to stronger (more yelling, gaslighting, extreme anger, sort of "freak out" kind of anger - as in completely over reacting).   Weeks of quarantine have exasperated the situation.

We have an 11 year old daughter, and the dynamic between the three is getting increasingly unhealthy. 

I am at the beginning of identifying my way out - still researching divorce processes.  I am a little caught up in the logistics - I can't afford a separate home while I am still paying for this one - and planning worst case scenarios (I am the second marriage for H, so I know what to expect in the divorce proceedings).   

I'm very glad to have found the stories and kind words of support on this site.  I'm at a point where I hardly recognize myself.  I'm worried about the consequences of my marriage relationship on my daughter, and I know I should be worried about the consequences on myself also (although I'm not quite there).   The tool box has been very helpful - without knowing it, I've been practicing MC and GR and JADE for years.    Trial and error,  I guess.   

Glad to be here, and looking forward to interacting with you.   

[bloomie]

Hi there and welcome! I love your forum name findingmypath it is filled with hope and vision for you and your dd. I am glad you have officially joined us and yet hearing of how broken down you are feeling and the pain you are experiencing is heartbreaking. I am just so sorry things have been hard for so long.

You most likely have already been reading through the Separating and Divorcing threads and see the shared experience and collective wisdom of the community here can go a long way to supporting you. The recommended books and other online resources are another place to begin digging in and finding more validation and insights.

Keep coming back and sharing. It can lift a heavy heart and remind us that we didn't cause this, we can't cure it, and we can't change it. We can only change and control ourselves and our healing path. Strength and much wisdom to you as you journey on. We are here for you!

[PeanutButter]

Welcome! Im so glad you found us.

Im sorry to hear that you are in a relationship that kills any possibility of happiness for you. I too experienced that.

How I wish I could have realized that it was within me to choose happiness regardless of what unpdxH did or didnt do. I had rigid expectations of what my external world and the people in it needed to be in order for me to be happy. I was often disappointed.

My unpdxH had shown me clearly and often who he was yet I kept myself in denial so I didnt have to face the failure of my relationship. I didnt want to ackowledge he was not the kind of man I wanted or needed as a partner. I eventually did.

How I also wish I would have seen clearly the possibility of the damage that kind of marriage causes to the innocent children born into it.

I applaud you for the hard work you've already been doing and will have to continue to do to protect yourself and your DD.

[findingmypath]

Hi Bloomie and Peanut Butter - thank you for reading my post and for your comments.   I'm just at the beginning of my journey to a better place.   Starting is the hardest part, I think.   

Part of what is happening is that my dd is getting old enough to recognize the bad behavior on my husband's part, and the enabling behavior on mine.   When she talks to me about it, she's so practical and eyes open about it, while I try to make excuses for dh and particularly I feel a bit sorry for him, and try to explain why even though he's a bit mean and always yelling, I actually think he is sad.   Even though in most interactions with him I am furious, and I've lost my temper a few times with his ridiculous comments and inability to have a 2 sided conversation, which is definitely not the best part of me, once I calm down, I feel sad for him.   I think he is incapable of loving anyone.   But I am now seeing that this is a bad situation - one that I might have been willing to put up with, but she shouldn't have to.

Thanks again for your comments.

[PeanutButter]

Keep coming back to post if it helps. I do.

I just started reading 'why does he do that' which has been recommended on here many times. Its is very eye opening. IMO I wish I would have read it way back when I felt sorry for my unpdxH.

He was so controlling. He was so mean. I thought hiding that from my son was the right thing to do. It may have been. But eventually he got old enough to see the truth.