Cyclical attacks

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Bella

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Cyclical attacks
« on: June 15, 2020, 03:40:51 PM »
I have been doing so much better mentally and health wise since COVID meant that my NM was stuck overseas.
I have been put in a terrible position due to her, my life is literally in shambles and I have to start over as a disadvantage but  I am doing so much better than after ignoring the issues for so long I can finally attend to them. However since I am doing better I have expect the NM to do something to gain back some sense of control and today she has. As usual aggressive tone and ultimatums and threats veiled as “ I am so tired, I have helped so much, I am so sad”, and the usual “I will let you take care of your life” while trying to pull the rug from under my feet, the “you should fix the situation” while making it difficult to do so.
I am actually quite proud of my reaction, I am marginally upset, but I handled it calmly and I am not crying in my bed lol.
I could see it coming for awhile to be honest, except  she miscalculated she just threatened the only leverage she had over me which ultimately is a positive thing for me, I expect that once she realised that she will try to entice me back with false promises.
All of this is because I am refusing to move back to her and so is my Nsibling , which would due to social norms mean living in her house under her control.

My question is to other people with Nparents, how do you deal with the cyclical attacks ? I need to keep her at bay until I have stabilised my situation, does seemingly agreeing with them and being passive work or does it lead to escalation so they can make you upset ?

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moglow

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Re: Cyclical attacks
« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2020, 06:03:14 PM »
Looking back at my younger self, the one thing I did that I think ultimately helped me was refusing mother's help. I don't like ultimatums or rug snatching, and I saw her and her family use $$ to manipulate each other and their children too many times. Mother never really had it to give but she'd make these vague offers of "help" with me knowing there were heavy strings attached. She saw it as some quid pro quo and entitled to information, like she was making payments on "later."

It took me a while but I finally paid attention to it, did whatever I had to do to make sure she didn't have access to my money, health information, personal business, ANYTHING. I say that with the knowledge that the woman can't be trusted! There were times years ago when mother stayed at my house while I was at work - and would actually discuss my mail when I got home. Not only had she read it, but she OPENED it. "You're my daughter, I can ..." Um NO. NONE of that is any of your business - I'd never have poked into hers!!

A friend once told me, don't believe anything you can't hold in your hand. It's all air, smoke and mirrors, methods of control to get what they want if they won't back it up. And really, you don't really want to be dependent on other people - it means someone has access they aren't entitled and haven't earned.
To keep her at bay, I'd suggest that you be noncommittal, vague, gray rock the hell out of conversations [be dull, boring, complete lack of drama]. Slowly and steadily remove her access to anything she can undermine, is my suggestion. Get a roommate/multiple roommates, change doctors or make it clear to them she has no input to your medical information, be meticulous about any money you accept from her so you can pay her back when you're able.

If something triggers or upsets you, and you can't change the subject, oops gotta go, I've got to check dinner on the stove! I've got to get ready to go! Someone's at the door! Remove yourself from that situation quick fast and in a hurry so you don't make yourself sick over it later, is what I'm saying.
“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Bella

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Re: Cyclical attacks
« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2020, 07:10:30 PM »
Thank you Moglow for your answer.
Before I even knew what it was I had started going NC or LC,
 Before I even knew what it was, about a year or 2 before I found this site and of course it did not go well which is why I am actually in this situation, part of me whispers that this whole epiphany had waited until I got my degree, because things were bad before but not this bad. By the time she started the financial attacks I could barely make it out of bed so yeah...
Now I am a functioning Human again but I have a very short timeline to even attempt to fix the situation and she posed another ultimatum, she also convinced the Nsibling that she actually give a shit, despite that I spent years in an appartment that made my asthma constantly flare up and no amount of mentioning it lead to anything, until when I moved out and she is like I did know it made you this sick, and of course said sibling is very much like her and actually understood quite early to disregard whatever the mother said.
Like my reputation has actually been damaged due to all of this.
Thankfully spite is a powerful motivator, I just hope it’s not too late.
The classic opening of letters, seriously I can trace back every little detail that lead to this situation including my terrible anxiety at the idea of any type of correspondence  back to something she has done to the point that sometimes I wonder if it’s all real.

I have tried to be bland and only talk about neutral subjects, she is supposed to let me handle my life but every call she mentions the issues under the cover of being worried, a normal mother would be, but today part of her spiel is about how I don’t talk about anything important so it’s not working so well.