It’s been a long time

[Wish Camp]

Hi!!! I first came because I went no contact with FOO. It's been a journey. I'm empathic to the extreme and people have tended to use me and toss me away. Fast forward to today and I know I was being played and not by FOO. My husband had me like a puppet on a string. He arranged it all to isolate me to keep me in. IMHO, he is undiagnosed schizophrenic. He would never admit he's sick because he's not aware. Any helpful advice would be great. ❤️❤️❤️ to you all!

[bloomie]

Hi there Wish Camp! Welcome back. It is difficult to see subtle manipulation, but when we do recognize it we are compelled to find strategies for dealing with it.

My first thought would be the suspected schizophrenia and finding a way to get a complete physical and psychological evaluation for your H. Is that a possibility?

And then for his behaviors that are causing you harm and are limiting your life the toolbox and traits info is a great first stop and then beginning to build healthy boundaries and limits as you reclaim your independence would be important things to shift your focus to.

Do you have a therapist and any kind of a support system around you?

[Wish Camp]

Hi Bloomie!!!! He would never get help. His pride and ego stand in the way of acknowledgement. His mother was also undiagnosed schizophrenic self medicated with alcohol.

I have support but no therapist at the present moment. I feel somewhat relieved to know all this. It will be easier to place boundaries. I am not dealing with someone of sound mind. Luckily, he's able to function at his job.

Thank you for getting me going!!

[GettingOOTF]

My ex was diagnosed with BPD after a stay in the hospital. His doctor told me that he was given the BPD diagnosis as he didn’t meet all the criteria for schizophrenia.

After learning more about PDs and taking an honest look at my relationship I chose to leave. I felt that there was nothing medically available to “cure” the condition and I couldn’t continue to live the way I had to if I was going to stay in the marriage.

I said this many times here. I will give credit to my ex. He worked as hard as he was able to with that therapy and various out patient programs (I got him into one of the best in the country). He openly acknowledged that he had BPD and he went willingly to treatment. I felt like he had the best chance of “getting better”. The treatment and knowledge wasn’t enough to change his behavior in any meaningful way.

I decided to work on my own issues, mostly from my upbringing. I worked on developing confidence and self-worth to the point where I started to believe that I wanted and deserved more. That I was here to do more than support my ex and tolerate abuse.

I am also NC with my family, but that came after my divorce when I started to see the abuse and codependency began with them, my ex was simply a natural progression of the path I’d been on since I was born.

I’m a big advocate of working on ourselves, of looking inward vs working with others to overcome their limitations. Therapy and Codependent No More helped me the most on my journey. I also recommend Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It helped me to identify abuse in my marriage and in other situations I was in at the time (family, friends, career).

There are many people here in similar situations to yours. Some have left, some plan to leave and others stay. I’m sure you will find plenty of wisdom and support here.

[losingmyself]

I literally just finished listening to Kris Godinell (sp?) talking about this very thing.
She's interesting to listen to. I think it's called We need to talk, on You-tube. But she talks a lot about your FOO, and figuring out where the abuse began, and how to identify it

[GettingOOTF]

losingmyself do you remember what episode it was? I'm interested in watching.

[losingmyself]

Gettingootf, I'm sorry, I can't find it! But it is a common theme she talks about, so you'll find something if you look.
It's Kris Godinez, called 'We need to talk' on youtube.
She does a new video every sunday.

[Wish Camp]

Thanks everyone for the information you have put forward.
GOOTF, leaving my husband has been on my mind for a long time. Coming to the realization that I have been trying for a decade to have a normal relationship with a severely disabled person is a shock. And yes, I am and have been working on me. I think I am at a crossroads. I must soul search.

Losingmyself, I will look that YouTuber up and watch. I've done that with other people on there and it's been helpful.

I'm just blasted at how good he is at turning tables and playing the victim time after time. I plan to really shore up my boundaries as I move forward.

[Rose1]

My exbpdh was diagnosed with bi polar and medicated. I agree with that diagnosis. However when talking to his doctor about my d and her diagnosis I talked about the manipulation etc and was concerned for my d.
Doctor said to me that many people with bi polar do well on meds and that the issues I was dealing with were not the bi polar but the personality disorder, most likely BPD and that my d showed no signs of it.

Well he was right. I'm pretty sure ex's mother was bi polar and full blown BPD. This gave ex much to copy and study.  He learned which behaviour got him his way. I also think the pd behaviour to some extent helped him cope with bi polar. Certainly he got no help from ubpd mil or en fil. And ex never got better, just worse.
I assume schizophrenia may be similar with pd as part of the condition especially if brought up in a household with issues as the need for consistency etc us often non existent. Exmil was very distant emotionally as well as over protective. Ie exh was never required to wear consequences of his actions. (Until we divorced and he still holds a grudge over 20 years later)

[Wish Camp]

Rose 1, my H was definitely the subject of abuse and neglect. His mother neglected him from the start, from the moment of conception. She was 46 when she had him. He is a twin and there were 3 others above him. Too many children and no tools to raise them. They grew up with a sense of lack and competition. He is very good at manipulation. I was hoodwinked for 13 years. Now, I am here. I have done counseling in the past and a lot of other healing modalities. I've come a long distance. It's just now all this truly came to light. I knew it, I just didn't know it, you know?