Any advice on how to stop JADEing...

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freedom77

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Any advice on how to stop JADEing...
« on: June 16, 2020, 05:07:42 PM »
It wasn't until recently, namely finding this forum, that I even knew what JADE was. And the realization that I have been doing this since early childhood. I always just thought that I was one of those annoyingly overly detailed, over explaining type of people.

People have often pointed out that I explain too much, or that I don't need to explain, or that I'm too defensive. I think it's because of being raised and abused by a PD. I feared reactions and punishments and thought that I had to always  "prove" or authenticate by giving detailed explanations and justify even the most mundane things, or explain my side to ensure the other party understood where I was coming from (because apparently they cannot arrive at this on their own)....

I've also noticed my DD who is almost 10 also JADE's a lot, especially the A part which I find very frustrating.

So anyone have any suggestions on how to not JADE anymore? Thank you

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Starboard Song

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Re: Any advice on how to stop JADEing...
« Reply #1 on: June 16, 2020, 07:03:48 PM »
It takes a great deal of discipline.

I encourage you to find a couple books on the topic. One thing to ask yourself in conversation is "what is the point of the last thing said, and what is to be done about it?" And, "what am I trying to accomplish in this conversation?"

So if you say "I'd really appreciate if we could hold the cookout later, after 3pm." And they yell an accusation, that you are always trying to manipulate and control everything, you have to decide what you are trying to accomplish next. Do you need to vindicate yourself? Nah. Your goal is only to get the event rescheduled. "So, can we not reschedule to after 3pm?"

In my last meeting with my FIL I had many chances to say "That's not at all what [that person] wrote." And then stop. Silence. I simply said no, and then left him with that. He'd stare for a few seconds, and then drop it and move on.

But I am not good at this either. So find those books and wait for others. But at the end of the day, it may only really be matter of discipline, resolving to following this guidance from our Toolbox: it is recommended that on any given issue, state your point of view once and once only.

Good luck!
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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Fiasco

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Re: Any advice on how to stop JADEing...
« Reply #2 on: June 16, 2020, 07:16:15 PM »
I’ve also been a big JADEr in the past so I feel you there. Just wanted to throw in, as the parent of a teen and a ten year old daughter, jade is a normal part of mental development  and individuation at that age. Not a sign that we’ve ruined them 😉

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TwentyTwenty

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Re: Any advice on how to stop JADEing...
« Reply #3 on: June 17, 2020, 12:43:36 AM »
Great advice here from the prior comments..

I’ll add:
First, what if the person giving you the reason to jade, is doing so purposefully.. in other words, just to set you off, and get your reaction? Even if they are not, try to get a handle on options for the reply to the conversation.

Try and prepare yourself for the best and worst possible outcome of the conversation. Think on if it went really well, this outcome, or if it went really poorly, this other outcome..

Think about alternatives for each case.. if I got exactly what I wanted, I still may decide something else may be better.. if I didn’t get what I wanted, I can come up with an alternative like Xyz and just deal with it.

By slowing down the reply and considering different outcome paths, you’re not being ‘shocked’ into a reply, you have time to give a simple, calm answer in any case..

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Any advice on how to stop JADEing...
« Reply #4 on: June 17, 2020, 10:00:52 AM »
I used to do this a lot. I don’t realize it was a “thing”. I was always primed and ready to explain and justify myself.

I grew up being accused of things I never did and being mocked for things I liked and enjoyed doing. I always had to defend myself.

It was the same in my marriage and friendships.

As I started removing abusive people from my life and gaining self esteem I naturally started to stop JADEing. I felt safer and there was less demand on me from those around me to explain myself all the time.

I used to think I was constantly on trial so that’s how I lived. I felt that way because of how people treated me. I’m not around people like that anymore.

The phrase “what other people think of you is none of your business” is one that I try to live by. I know I say this on all my posts but Codependent No More really helped me with this. I see JADEing as a symptom of Codependency. This is the area of my life I have done the most work on.  There are other books on Codependency but that’s the one that has helped me the most. 

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Seven

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Re: Any advice on how to stop JADEing...
« Reply #5 on: June 18, 2020, 06:52:09 PM »
I find that I JADE due to the fact that my parents wouldn’t.  When I ask “why” or “why not” the answer always was “because I said so”. There was no reasoning.  I was suppose to take it as gospel.  If I could only understand their reasoning behind their answers, I probably wouldn’t have been so resentful of such answers.  There was no communication in our family.  Everything a secret.  It got to a point where I stopped asking for permission for field trips, etc.  I just didn’t go. 

I take it back.  There is one time I remember I got an explanation after badgering them for so long.  When I was 8-10 I played a little League baseball with the boys.  When a certain year rolled around I was ready to sign up and my parents wouldn’t let me.  No explanation given.  I badgered and badgered.  Give me a good reason why I can’t!  I was starting 2nd baseman the year before.  Finally my dad yelled out “it’s because you’re getting boobs”. What a BS reason.  I’m sure it wasn’t his decision.  He was a coach the year before and that’s why it was him I hounded for an answer.  There was no sitting down and explaining puberty or anything of the such. Not from either of them.

When I had  kids, I vowed I would always explain to them the reasons for my answers so that they would “understand”. It got into a bad habit of telling “everyone”, when in most cases it wasn’t really necessary.

When I first met my now-DH I told him right off that when I ask a question that it is to learn and understand, not to quiz or challenge his knowledge.

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freedom77

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Re: Any advice on how to stop JADEing...
« Reply #6 on: June 25, 2020, 09:34:53 PM »
Thank you all for the advice. Yes, it makes sense that as we heal, and weed out abusers, the JADEing should lessen, and maybe even cease altogether. I'm hoping that will be the case for me. I annoy myself with all my JADEing, I can only imagine how I make others feel with my never ending justifications and explanations.

I intensely get what you mean OOTF...I too grew up being accused of wrongdoing on the daily, and was also mocked and ridiculed for everything I liked...whether it be a song on the radio, a color of clothing, or a snack...mostly by my mother...but since I was the "chosen one" to fulfill the role of village scapegoat...her nasty boyfriend, my confused and dysfunctional siblings, her N mother all followed suit in the let's pick on Freedom77 for liking this or that...regardless of how popular the item was. Or it must have been Freedom77 who is at fault. Oftentimes mother would out of the blue accuse me of having evil thoughts, when all I was doing was watching TV or reading a book.

So yeah, totally get that, and I hold that responsible for why I'm such a heavy JADEing person.

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Kiki81

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Re: Any advice on how to stop JADEing...
« Reply #7 on: June 26, 2020, 01:11:16 AM »
No.

 "No" is a complete sentence. (So is "yes."   ;D)

 stop talking so much. Stop after you've said "no" or "yes." Nothing. More. Needs. Saying.

 practice every day.