My mom refers to my unborn baby as "our baby"

[Starboard Song]

We were going to have my MIL in the delivery room. It was during that pregnancy that we noticed her being very high-maintenance and critical. While we didn't yet see the storm waters rising, we sensed she'd be a negative, critical energy in the delivery room, so when the day arrived we only allowed brief visitation during labor. As delivery approached, we said we'd decided it would only be the two of us present.

Thirteern years later this snub was was part of the three page rant in which my MIL announced permanent estrangement from us.

Here's the truth: healthy people do not presume to a right to be present at the birth of a baby.

[catta]

I can't imagine hearing my mom (or MIL) be resentful about the baby's dad being present at delivery and not her-- I'm not sure I could pretend to be polite about that kind of complaint.

"Thankfully" because of COVID19 my hospital will only let me have one person present during delivery!

[BefuddledClarity]

The subject says it all. My mom rarely asks me how I am or how my pregnancy is going except to demand that I take care of myself because, to paraphrase a few instances, "the most important thing is taking care of our baby."



(I mean yes, taking care of myself and the baby is important but no, it's not her baby.) My dad has cancer and she always couches these statements amidst updates about his treatment so that I never feel right setting her straight.

Yikes! That sounds rather vexacious and tiresome to hear her say that. There are good replies in this thread on how to reply back to her.

My man's bio mother is like that too...She offered to babysit the little one for free. Then she became more and more demanding gradually and was controlling on the parenting of our baby, and talking about when he gets older, she's going to go to HIS school and sit with him the whole time during class, and walk with him to and from school. Sounded creepy and like a hover parent to me. Luckily...she decided to go no contact with us, because she got mad at my significant other for him not bending over backwards to her commands. We also have a daycare---which is what I wanted to do in the first place anyways.

Anywho, how've you been doing catta? I know being pregnant is not the easiest or funnest state to be...especially the first trimester---I don't miss that part of pregnancy at all! Hope you're doing well!

[Sneezy]

I just saw this thread and it gave me shivers, even now that my "baby" is close to 30.  My uHPD MIL was so insanely jealous that I gave birth to a girl (she always wanted a girl, but instead was blessed with many sons).  After DD was born, my MIL actually asked my DH to leave me, bring our new baby to her house several states away, and she would help him raise our new baby away from me.  Luckily, my DH did not tell me this story until DD was close to 10 or 12.  I think I would have had a meltdown and banned MIL from our house forever (which, looking back on it, would have saved me a lot of grief over the years).

My point is not to alarm you.  But please take this seriously, and make sure you set very firm boundaries around your baby from the very beginning.  Your baby, your rules - don't every let her forget that. 

[catta]

@ BefuddledClarity: I still haven't set a boundary with her-- she's so good at burying "our baby" within something that would make me feel like a monster for setting a boundary. At some point I'm going to have to just let myself feel like a jerk but know that I did the right thing.

But otherwise I'm doing well! I'm solidly in the second trimester now and everything looks healthy for me and baby (although I have to say that I'm a LOT more tired than I expect to be most days and I'm still mildly nauseous-- apparently some lucky people get to be nauseous for their entire pregnancy  )

@ Sneezy: I'm definitely already alarmed so I appreciate your message-- I need the motivation to speak up for myself sooner rather than later. I don't even think I trust my parents to be alone with my children. I don't remember whether I said this in this thread, but for the last 10 or so years my mom has been saying things to me like "The real reason to have children is to get grandchildren. They're the ones you really love," and when I was growing up she often expressed her hope that one day my children would "punish" me for what a "terrible" child I was. (As far as I can tell, I was a pretty easy child who simply wasn't a carbon copy of her.) So I suspect she has an elaborate plan to manipulate my children and I don't plan on giving her any opportunities to enact it.

[BefuddledClarity]

@ BefuddledClarity: I still haven't set a boundary with her-- she's so good at burying "our baby" within something that would make me feel like a monster for setting a boundary. At some point I'm going to have to just let myself feel like a jerk but know that I did the right thing.

But otherwise I'm doing well! I'm solidly in the second trimester now and everything looks healthy for me and baby (although I have to say that I'm a LOT more tired than I expect to be most days and I'm still mildly nauseous-- apparently some lucky people get to be nauseous for their entire pregnancy  )

I feel it...I felt similar when my MIL was pushing my boundaries. It was even worse, since I had post partum depression at the time too and just felt like crap and defenceless. Now that she's gone, I'm learning how to be able to protect my son better.

Though the funny thing is, it's a double-standard. Whenever my mother tried to pull this sorta stunt, I call her out on it. When she tries holding my baby all day, I tell her to let him sleep in his own crib and I go over there and take him from her.

But I didn't rock that boat with MIL when I should have because she's MUCH worse and got on my nerves...it was hard to say much because of the way my SO reacts to how his BIL talks to MIL(i.e. he stands his ground, SO thinks he's purposely being rude to his mom). SO's mom is very rude and blunt. Ug...

Anyways enough about me.

It's good to hear that you are doing well in your second trimester! Ooof, hopefully the nausea goes away! That's probably the only thing I don't miss about pregnancy heh. But I promise it will get better each and everyday.

[SparkStillLit]

Catta, I have some sort of Nmum. Let me tell you right now while you're still pregnant:
BE. A. ""JERK". DO IT. You'll thank yourself a million zillion times over, and anyway, you might as well get the practice in now. You'll be doing it time and again over how you feed, sleep, transport, play, go out, clothes, animals, breathing, existing....
By the way, it's "setting boundaries". Not "being a jerk". No matter what she acts like.

[SparkStillLit]

PS my kids are 19 and 15. The 19 year old is in the Army and Nmum *is still at it*.  STILL. Agitate, bother, harass. I try to be LC.