Arbitrary attitudes about money

[11JB68]

The arbitrary attitudes about money really get to me.
Doesn't like that I spend 60/month to get my hair cut.
Didn't want me to spend $50 on a new bbq grill
Oh, but we can donate $250 (he was going to do $1000) to his dead beat ex-friend....
"we" have to watch 'our' budget, I have to stick to my allowance....
But on top of spending extra money on groceries due to his new needed healthy diet, since he's now allowed to 'cheat' once a week I have to buy him pizza once a week.
He 'needs' a new blu ray player (right now/immediately - because WHAT would we do all night if we couldn't watch Netflix)?? So - $80 no big deal go get it!
He complains I'm not dusting often enough and he knows I'm 'pissy' about this, so later on he asks "How much does a maid cost? Do you want to hire a maid?"  (????? He was just recently talking about decreasing his working hours SIGNIFICANTLY and I am PANCIKING about how we will afford that....)HOW does he think we can afford a maid. In my dreams.
About a year ago I asked him to do a sample budget if we were to sell our house/pay off mortgage/equity etc and rent an apt (this was partly for money reasons and partly because our house is TOO MUCH for us - he is unable to do much physically any longer and I have to do it all...I'm exhausted)...He never did it. When I brought it up I could tell he was brushing me off. Secretly I think he WANTS the house because he LIKES having the equity line to 'fall back on' when he doesn't feel like working as much... An apt would be SO much easier for me!
he is supposedly the financial genius and I supposedly am no good at handling money - but it seems to me that having an equity line to 'fall back on' when you let your income slip is not good financial sense.

[clara]

When I was married to my NPDexh, we were thisclose to buying a house we couldn't actually afford but all of a sudden he absolutely, positively wanted a house.  Then, within a month or so, he thought it was a bad idea and we put the brakes on it.  I guess he discovered that if ever split up, he wasn't automatically guaranteed to get the house and he couldn't use it as leverage to keep me in line otherwise he'd throw me out.  There was a catch, and I instinctively knew it even if I couldn't articulate it at the time.  But yeah, one week he wanted to spend money, the next we couldn't afford something and we have to budget, then the next it'd be back to spending money, and I was in a constant battle to keep us from financially going off the rails because I was the one paying the bills and knew what we had and didn't have (mostly didn't have).  He actually had no financial sense whatsoever and was making it up as he went along, but he liked to act like he was a genius about everything so why not money?!  One thing I noticed was when it came to something he wanted, generally he was willing to splurge, but if it was something I wanted (or even something we needed) then we had to "be careful."  It was okay for me to go without while he could never be deprived. 

[Bowsy26]

11JB68:  That is just so much stress to cope with.  I hope you have a way to unwind and release the tension somewhat. 

Our H's may be following the same playbook.  Dnph accuses me of spending money on all sorts of things guilting me over it yet will spend whatever he wants.  The saving grace is that mostly he spends it on small things, under $10, although in the course of a month, that adds up.  We each get a monthly allowance to use in whatever way we want and I put half away to save up for something.  I have no idea where his goes since he puts on our joint check card everything he buys like large sodas, drive through items at fast food places, buying candy when he goes to pick up his prescriptions at the pharmacy, etc.  He's put on 80 pounds in the last year.  This from a guy who has shamed me for my weight since we were dating.  He'll come up with ideas for buying large items out of the blue, like "we" can take 30k out of his retirement funds to buy a vehicle.  Nothing will come of it since he expects me to take care of it.  Then he wanted to do a reverse mortgage on our house.  When asked how they work, he has no idea and doesn't research it when asked to.  Once he cashed out an entire 401k b/c he was certain we would need it when we closed on a house we built - even though I had told him at least a dozen times that everything was set with the bank and we had all the funds we needed.  But he tells everyone I spend his money and keep him broke.      I have tried to work with him to teach him how to make a budget to no avail.  He is now able to pay a few bills each month that I have "assigned" to him, but I still go and check what he did b/c he often does it incorrectly.  I only check the ones that would have an effect on me.  Funny he never messes up the ones that would only affect him.  Guess it's all part of the game. 

Since I am divorcing (just waiting yet for a senior apt to open up so I can move), I just remind myself that this will end eventually and he can deal with his own financial mess.  I'm betting his way of handling it will be to move another woman in ASAP to do it. 

I wish I had some sage advice or suggestions to deal with this but I've never figured out how to draw him into being responsible. 

[11JB68]

Bringing back this old continuing topic.
A few weeks ago Updh asked how much a wii would cost. I researched, used online a couple hundred. He wanted one to try to get some exercise. I didn't trust buying used online, what if it didn't work? Co worker had one she wasn't using told h we could buy it for $50, he says yes get it.
Paid co worker cash, took extra out of atm to pay her. You all know my budget/allowance situation.
Doing our bookkeeping yesterday h asks me what was that $50 for that you took out. Me: the Wii.
He got pissy about it. You should have just used allowance money. Didn't you have 50$? Etc. I said I didn't have an extra 50. Then he goes down the rabbit hole.... It's an ocd thing, we need a process, I can only tell if we can afford x if the numbers are consistent, if you ask me can we buy x how can I know if you're randomly taking cash out, we do things the right way, unlike your (other) co worker whose being audited because he doesn't do things the right way.... Etc.
Ok we went from 50 to we'll be audited???
And this was a thing HE wanted! That we were going to pay $200 for online with credit card....I got'us' a deal!!
I mc'd and didn't jade. Which means he calmed down faster and apologized later. Doesn't really change anything though. This money stuff is ridiculous!

[SparkStillLit]

This morning first thing right off the bat updh complained about how quickly we were going through some animal items and some people items, and wanted to know if I was partaking of the people items and if the animals had helped themselves.
WHO IS THE ONLY ONE WITH A JOB, AND PAYING FOR THIS STUFF?
Oh that's right, it's me.
You can't make this stuff up.

[losingmyself]

One time during a rant about money I spent on either myself or my kids, I said "Well, I'm just going to have to get one of those job thingies."  "What??" He asked. I said "So I can make money, too!" He didn't have a comeback for that.
We make the same amount of money. I should be able to decide if I want to spend $3.
His thing is that every dollar I spend, .50 is his.  Because we have a joint checking account. I would love to change this.
And totally arbitrary! Actually, he wants to be the hero. I'll tell him of something I want to get for the kids, he'll have a fit and tell me no, then go buy it for them and take the credit.

[Matteblak]

Another big thing in our home. Last year I had a month at work where a LOT of extra money came in. For the first time in years, I asked for something for Father's day ($300...not a fortune). She said that we couldn't afford it...but within 2 months, we spent almost $200 on her dad, $50 on her mom, $50 for a b-day gift for our former pastor's daughter, $70 for candy for the staff at her physical therapist, $200 on Rosetta Stone software because "in 2 years we will HAVE to know Mandarin (nobody has touched it since)), $200 at papered chef for a bunch of kitchen stuff we didn't need because "these people are hurting in the pandemic"...

Fast forward to Christmas 2020. My dad gave us $150 for Christmas on an amazon Gift card. She filled the amazon cart and was going to spend it ALL on herself. I lost it. She finally agreed to buy the thing I asked for for Father's day. Then in our next counseling appointment she told him I was selfish for complaining about not getting a present when she spent money on other people who needed our help. WHAT? She hates most of these people because they didn't crawl over to her to thank her for her generosity...

Also, the ice maker in our fridge went out months ago, and the water dispenser just broke. Also we have about $400 in home repairs to do. She decides we need to buy a new house because this one is "nickel-and-diming us to death." (as she complains about how we can't get out of debt).

I could write in this topic until the keyboard breaks...

[11JB68]

Resurrecting this thread as it is relevant to me right now... and clear that nothing has changed.  After a year or two of updh claiming repeatedly that we are doing OK, that we have money etc.... treating friends to lunch/ dinner etc (I'm sure because he thinks it makes him look good), he is suddenly again putting the brakes on ME spending money... ugh.
My birthday is coming up,  he asked what I want.  I did the math and figured out how much more per year I would need in order to start getting my hair colored.  $500. So I told him I wanted 500. (My plan was to keep it somewhere safe and use it for that purpose throughout the year. 
Nope. 500 is too much.
I seriously do not ask for much.
And I make most of the money.
AND  he wanted me to feel badly about asking!
Next time he wants to buy something or treat others I'm saying NO

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sorry about your updh saying no.

It's your money, too. Can you give yourself permission to stop asking and to set aside the $500?

[11JB68]

Ivy... I can't set it aside.
I get x amt per week'allowance' which has not kept up with inflation.  I have no extra cash to set aside.
Even if I did.... if I suddenly c came home with my hair colored he'd ask how much does that cost? How did you have money for that etc.  Then God forbid I'd complain about cost of groceries,  he'd say well don't spend money on your hair then
Our entire marriage his question to me has been 'do you WANT it or do you NEED it?"

[Poison Ivy]

I'm sad for you that you do not have a marriage of equal partners. I would be filled with outrage, all the time, if I were you. How do you take care of your self so as to not explode?

[11JB68]

Back to this one.  On the heels of denying me the $500, he also severely reduced our Xmas budget.
Xmas was 3 days ago.
Today HE came up with something HE wants.... "so it could be my new years present"
I told him that's not a thing.
Him: well put it towards my bday
(That's in the summer!!)
Meanwhile I am not supposed to ask for anything...
Yeesh.

[Poison Ivy]

This behavior is, in my opinion, a form of abuse.

[Jolie40]

so sorry JB68 that you have to live like that re money

I became a sahm so husband gives me an allowance, also
mostly I use it at the drug store for things I need

introvert here so don't like going to hairdresser
so I've been cutting my own hair for years as well as coloring it, also
I've gone blonde, black, red, and brown, lol

is it possible for you and your husband to see a counselor to get these money issues sorted out as well as communication between you both?

[11JB68]

Jolie thx.
I suggested counseling once.  He wouldn't go.  His idea was that I should go,  find out what's wrong,  tell him,  and then 'we' could fix it.
HA.
After finding Out of the FOG in honestly glad we didn't go.  Sounds like couples counseling when one has a pd often goes badly.

[11JB68]

So that was December 28.... he got that thing he wanted....I forget how much it cost.... over $100.
Now today he manipulated a situation too a point that we ended up buying him another 'toy' ... almost $300!!
So....I couldn't have 500 for my bday...200 each was enough and just fine for Xmas gifts.... but in the....6 weeks or so.... since Xmas 'we' have spent another $400+ on HIM
I do not understand this..... how can he think this is OK....??

[Andeza]

Because only his wants matter.

[11JB68]

"Because only his wants matter."
Wants - right. How many times have I said I need x only to have him ask me 'is it a 'need' or a 'want'?'
But of course with a pwPD arguing only becomes circular and he will always find a way to convince me that my thing is a want while his thing is really a 'need'.
I got a sizable holiday bonus, which is part of why our money 'looks pretty good' right now (plus his client owed him several invoices and just paid) - again, I knew I was getting a holiday bonus, he knew his client would eventually pay  - but suddenly now it's okay to spend money.
Ugh, he looked like a child at disney world yesterday buying his newest 'toy'. With that grin on his face that I used to find 'cute' and now just annoys the heck out of me. And he is always so concerned about male/vs/female and being 'the man' - as he was standing behind me while I paid with my credit card....and the cashier is saying 'well someone's getting a nice new x...' - did he not see/feel ???? it was like mom was buying her son a present.... 

[losingmyself]

My H likes to tell me that HE'LL buy me things....
Like he has money of his own...
Also, if I tell him that I'm going to need his paycheck to pay bills, he always says "Oh, so you have my paycheck spent already"
Um, no, I'm paying bills for things that YOU bought. Or your medical bills.
I understand exactly where you're coming from

[11JB68]

LosingMyself - oh yes! I get $ out of my ATM so he has cash in  his wallet - then he offers to take me out to eat with said money
Or we go out with friends and he offers to foot the bill - with that money
He does write a check from his account to mine once a month or so to pay the mortgage (I pay everything else)