Tricked into a phone call

[Morocha2015]

BPDm called today from a number I didn't recognize. I normally don't answer calls like that but I was waiting on a call from the doctor so I assumed that's who it was. It was the same song and dance, she just begged me to tell her what the problem was. I've told her so many times, and she even read my diary about her when I was in college. The worst part is in that moment I just went blank and couldn't even remember what to say. I told her to look up Cluster B personality disorders. She told me she saw a therapist who told her she couldn't find anything wrong with her. I just refuse to believe that. Anyone who's ever spoken to her for 5 minutes can tell she's not ok. I pointed out the fact that she can't keep anyone in her life for more than a few weeks and she told me it's because all those people said bad things about me so she cut them off. That's a total lie for lots of reasons, and I'd also point out that I haven't even been to her state in 13 years. I just felt like yet again everything I said was denied. My whole experience is invalidated.

She asked what I needed to see from her and I told her long term therapy from a qualifying therapist. She asked if she could call me to help her find one. I've been telling her for years the kind of therapist to go to. I just told her I couldn't take care of her anymore. She went on this long "woe is me" tirade and I straight up told her I don't need the guilt trip.

It was such a strange thing to have my mind go blank. I've had so many dreams and fantasies of telling her what a whackjob she is, how abusive, controlling, and manipulative she is. But in that moment I just felt numb.

I told her not to call again and to stop sending my kids stuff. One thing I'll say for myself, I never thought I'd be able to talk to her like that. I never thought I could put myself first.

I don't know what I need from you all or really my intentions for this post. I think I just wanted to share with people who would understand.

[Thru the Rain]

I go numb too when I talk to my uPDM. Over time I have thought about what I wished I had said in the moment, and sometimes I'm able to say those things during later conversations.

And regarding therapy, I have a recurring fantasy about writing a note for my M to take to a therapist. It goes something like this:

Dear Mom's Therapist:
- My M medically neglected me as a child, and now she's shocked that I'm just not interested in every minute detail of her health. She's also surprised that I won't share my own health information with her.

- My M routinely yelled at me and my siblings to get out of her **expletive** kitchen. And now she's baffled why none of us make the food she used to make when we were kids. She says it hurts her feelings. 

- My M repeats any and everything I tell her, to anyone and everyone, regardless of the sensitivity or personal nature of the information. And these days she's often hurt that I don't share anything important.

You get the idea. In my fantasy, she has to get a therapist to sign off on every line item. And trust me there would be so many line items.

I'm not suggesting you do this, but I know if my M ever asked I'll be very tempted.

[gcj07a]

Thru the Rain,

I have that same fantasy! Actually, after going NC with my unBPDM, my F filed for divorce (he FINALLY saw clearly for the first time in more than three decades), she decided to give therapy a try (I assume as a way to get F back). I sleuthed out who her therapist was and sent her therapist a very long and detailed letter. Of course I never heard back (confidentiality and all that), but I did discover that my M fired her therapist after 4 or 5 sessions because her therapist was under the impression that something was wrong with M. 

Morocha,

that is one of my worst fears! This is why I never answer a call from a number I don't recognize. If they don't leave a voicemail, I'll google the number to see who it belongs to before calling back (if I call back). Anyhow, so sorry that you continue to deal with this, but I celebrate with you the progress you have made. Well done!

[raindrop]

It sounds like you did fabulously at standing up for yourself! I hope you can feel proud about that. I think it's normal to go numb in the face of a big shock like that.
But what a shitty situation. I'm so sorry she did that 😢
I'm sorry she can't understand or accept how she hurt you.
All our non-foggy love to you! Xxx

[Morocha2015]

You guys, I finally did it. I changed my phone number today! I was so anxious right before I did it, but I feel so empowered now! I don't have to worry about when the phone rings whether or not I can answer it. Feeling free! 

[Thru the Rain]

You guys, I finally did it. I changed my phone number today! I was so anxious right before I did it, but I feel so empowered now! I don't have to worry about when the phone rings whether or not I can answer it. Feeling free! 

Great job! 

[Psuedonym]

Good for you! I don't think you actually realize how stressed out you are by just the phone being nearby is until the stress is magically gone.

[Apparently-wicked]

Don't forget your mum has spent a lifetime diminishing your thoughts and feelings so it's really really hard to state them out loud knowing she's not a safe person.

Its not your job to find her a therapist, you're the last person who should be expected to deal with her because of the history.

[nanotech]

You guys, I finally did it. I changed my phone number today! I was so anxious right before I did it, but I feel so empowered now! I don't have to worry about when the phone rings whether or not I can answer it. Feeling free! 

yeah whoop whoop! XxxxxX 🤗❤️🥳⭐️

[raindrop]

You guys, I finally did it. I changed my phone number today! I was so anxious right before I did it, but I feel so empowered now! I don't have to worry about when the phone rings whether or not I can answer it. Feeling free! 

Woop woop!!! Well done