BPMom Has Cancer

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gcj07a

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BPMom Has Cancer
« on: June 19, 2020, 07:35:15 PM »
Hey y'all,

I just got word through the grapevine that bpM (with whom I have ben NC since last August) has terminal cancer and that she doesn't have super long to live. I heard this from my F who is in the process of divorcing M. M is using this as a reason to delay divorce proceedings. All of this seems very waifish to me, but I'm not sure. My mind is spinning. Wondering if I should call her or enSis to find out more. Not sure what to do. Any advice?

Thanks!
"How often have I lain beneath the rain, on a strange roof, thinking of home?" -William Faulkner

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: BPMom Has Cancer
« Reply #1 on: June 21, 2020, 10:33:49 AM »
That's a difficult choice! My first thought is to call sis and feel out the situation. But then I think....why? What are you going to get out of it. I know in my uNPDmother's case she'd love my NC sibling to contact her and might be fake and nice for a few minutes until she couldn't take it anymore. Then she'd rip sib up one side and down the other.

Really think about why you want to call and what you'd get out of it. I guess if you did call and it was awful, you could always go NC again. I'm sorry you're facing this tough decision.

 :hug:




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PeanutButter

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Re: BPMom Has Cancer
« Reply #2 on: June 21, 2020, 11:16:39 AM »
IME I dont want to know. The less I know I think the better Ill be. I do understand the pull that you must do something NOW! Im sorry you are struggling with it.
IMO i would take some time to think about what outcome you are expecting to happen if you call or if your dont. Maybe dont do anything yet. Wait a couple weeks and see what happens.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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Blueberry Pancakes

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Re: BPMom Has Cancer
« Reply #3 on: June 21, 2020, 02:35:04 PM »
Sorry to hear of your M's diagnosis. I think whatever type of contact you decide, do it for you and what will put your mind and heart somewhat at ease. Whatever you decide to do is okay. It is also alright to take some time to sit with it and see what seems to feel best to you.     
My initial thought about contacting an NPD sibling before directly contacting your Mom is that such siblings can make things worse. They sometimes like to be the gatekeeper and take the opportunity to act in ways that benefit themselves which might not always be what benefits you. I only mention that because my sister does it. I will be hoping you get the clarity that leads you to the decision that will be best for you.   

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gcj07a

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Re: BPMom Has Cancer
« Reply #4 on: June 22, 2020, 01:45:40 AM »
Thanks everyone for the thoughts. I got confirmation today that M's diagnosis is real and the timeline doesn't look good. My dw and I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow to talk about what to do. DW contacted enSis this evening to get more details, but enSis basically said it was none of our business and that she and bpM were shocked that we cared enough to check on her wellbeing. Typical. EnSis said if we wanted anymore details we needed to contact bpM ourselves. So now they are using this as leverage to force me to break NC. Also typical. I'm too angry to be sad now, but I'm sure that will change in the morning. It just shocks me every time that they think I went NC as a punishment or because I don't care or whatever, when in reality this hurts me as much (or maybe more) as it would if I wasn't NC and I got this news. The only difference is that I don't get to go through any of this with my FOO (well, minus my F who is also an outcast). I'm worried most I guess about this forever breaking my relationships with enSis and enBro. Anyhow, thanks again for being here for me.
"How often have I lain beneath the rain, on a strange roof, thinking of home?" -William Faulkner

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: BPMom Has Cancer
« Reply #5 on: June 22, 2020, 11:20:03 AM »
enSis basically said it was none of our business and that she and bpM were shocked that we cared enough to check on her wellbeing. Typical. EnSis said if we wanted anymore details we needed to contact bpM ourselves. So now they are using this as leverage to force me to break NC. Also typical. I'm too angry to be sad now,

I mean....really EnSis??  :roll: 

You're right, gcj07a, incredibly typical and add to that childish. I can understand your anger. This was a simple inquiry to M's condition, what's is going to be like if you break NC with your M? My uNPDmom would love this sort of thing. She would love the chaos and uproar that would be going on and discussed between her and the other person.

Blueberry Pancakes instinct about contacting sis seems spot on.  :(  Sad how sis is playing the game so well that she can't put her feelings aside and let you have a moment at the end of M's life.

I wish you peace and clarity as you work through the decision if you're going to contact your bpM. I'm glad you and your DW have an appointment with your therapist.


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GettingOOTF

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Re: BPMom Has Cancer
« Reply #6 on: June 22, 2020, 11:40:54 AM »
Your sisterís reaction is exactly what Iíd expect from mine in this situation.

My experience is that these situations rarely bring out the best in people. When my father, and everyone else, thought he was dying he was incredibly cruel to me. There as no deathbed apologies.  His parting gift to me, the last thing he thought heíd get to say to me was incredibly cruel.

If you do resume contact know and prepare for not getting the resolution we are all hoping for deep down.

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gcj07a

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Re: BPMom Has Cancer
« Reply #7 on: June 23, 2020, 07:57:00 AM »
Thanks again everyone. I really appreciate it. After speaking with my T yesterday and spending most of the day praying and reflecting and discussing with my DW, I'm going to hold off on contacting unBPm for now. My only desire to contact her is to give her another opportunity to be the mother she was supposed to be, but I know I will just be let down again. DW (who is a nurse) may reach out from that angle, but I'm staying out of it.
"How often have I lain beneath the rain, on a strange roof, thinking of home?" -William Faulkner

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GettingOOTF

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Re: BPMom Has Cancer
« Reply #8 on: June 23, 2020, 11:28:55 AM »
Itís good that youíve come to a decision and that you have support.

I feel like there is no wrong decision in these cases, do what feels right for you.

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PeanutButter

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Re: BPMom Has Cancer
« Reply #9 on: June 23, 2020, 12:53:48 PM »
Itís good that youíve come to a decision and that you have support.

I feel like there is no wrong decision in these cases, do what feels right for you.

:yeahthat:

There really is NOT.

The right thing to do is what is right for you!
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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AnneH

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Re: BPMom Has Cancer
« Reply #10 on: June 24, 2020, 04:36:07 AM »
The only difference is that I don't get to go through any of this with my FOO (well, minus my F who is also an outcast). I'm worried most I guess about this forever breaking my relationships with enSis and enBro. Anyhow, thanks again for being here for me.

My NMom died of cancer, leaving behind enF, enBro, and en+ hpd Sis. Why do I leave myself out? Because at the time, I remember often thinking "Wait a minute, MY mother is also terminally ill." That's right, I was expected to constantly "support" everyone else while taking constant criticism for not supporting them enough, not supporting them in the right way, not "caring" about them in general, and then not sharing my own feelings about everything. Actually getting support from any of them was so unthinkable that it never even crossed my mind. It was as if I was already not part of the "family", several years before I went NC with all of them. You say that " I don't get to go through any of this with my FOO". Everyone's situation is different, but this happened when I was in full contact with my entire FOO, still playing my assigned "role,"  and I STILL when through the whole thing alone. Since you asked for advice, I would ask myself, what kind of "relationship" do I actually have with my en siblings and is there anything not totally one-sided about it? "
I'm sorry for how blunt this may have sounded; we definitely "get" it and are here for you, whatever you decide.
« Last Edit: June 24, 2020, 04:47:41 AM by AnneH »

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gcj07a

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Re: BPMom Has Cancer
« Reply #11 on: July 01, 2020, 12:38:37 AM »
So, I learned a couple of days ago that it was basically a hoax. unBPDM was told by her doc that her lab work was suggestive of bone cancer and she should see a specialist. While waiting to get in with the specialist, she began flooding the FOO (and her lawyer) with information about her terminal cancer diagnosis. Seems like it was a plot to suck me and F back into the fold. When neither I nor my F picked up the phone to check on the poor waif, EnSis finally told DW (who is a critical care nurse) the real story--basically the hematologist reviewed the labs and ordered another panel and definitively ruled out cancer. Anyhow, I am so glad I did not get sucked back in. And I will be triple wary going forward.
"How often have I lain beneath the rain, on a strange roof, thinking of home?" -William Faulkner

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GettingOOTF

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Re: BPMom Has Cancer
« Reply #12 on: July 01, 2020, 12:53:28 AM »
I am so sorry. In many ways this is worse as it shows the levels to which she will stoop to manipulate you.

I am NC with my father so I know the anguish you must have felt trying to figure out what to do.

I guess like most things with our family we can only take these things as another data point that supports our choice to go NC.

I usually keep my posts here neutral but this was a truly ugly and cruel thing to do to you. You donít deserve this at all.

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gcj07a

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Re: BPMom Has Cancer
« Reply #13 on: July 01, 2020, 02:29:39 AM »
Thanks GettingOOTF,

Maybe hoax is the wrong word. I sincerely believe that she believed everything she was saying. For a borderline, emotions are true and facts are reinterpreted in light of emotions. And (of course) enSis was being manipulated and she believed it too until the specialist confirmed otherwise. Yes, my M using this to try to manipulate me into calling her is cruel, but it is not quite so cruel as pretending to being dying when you're not. I'm sure she felt like she was dying. All you have to do to get her to be convinced she's about to die is say the word "cancer." Then again, my role in the dysfunction was always to regulate her emotions. So if I had been in the mix with her I would have been the one talking her off the ledge and reminding her to react to facts and not create facts in reaction to emotion. So maybe doubly cruel: a) I thought my mother was dying and b) I am reminded that if I wasn't NC I could have "saved" her from her own terror. Ugh. Glad I'm seeing my therapist in the morning.
"How often have I lain beneath the rain, on a strange roof, thinking of home?" -William Faulkner

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: BPMom Has Cancer
« Reply #14 on: July 01, 2020, 11:09:04 AM »
So, I learned a couple of days ago that it was basically a hoax. EnSis finally told DW (who is a critical care nurse) the real story--basically the hematologist reviewed the labs and ordered another panel and definitively ruled out cancer. Anyhow, I am so glad I did not get sucked back in. And I will be triple wary going forward.

Although this drama is so typical, I'm angry on your behalf over this gcj07a. I'm glad you didn't get sucked in too.