A weird way to feel validatiom

[Lilyloo]

I know I've been posting a lot. I have felt a little crazy lately.  I know my worst issue is validation. I never felt any from anyone. BPD N mother talking about me, how I never do this or that for her. She tells anyone anything! She never said a nice word about me ever.

Well I just heard that the senior apartment she waited on for 2 years and got, and was moving into in July was taken from her. She was bad mouthing another tenant around the community. Evidently she told the wrong person and that person went to the landlord. The landlord called my mother and said she could not have her "making trouble" in those apartments

Why did I feel good? Why did I feel validation?  I have felt for years that she turned people against me. I know for sure she has my middle brother(GC) now I think my youngest brother. I immediately felt ' yes now people know' because that will for sure travel around the small community. I've been told people do know how she is. I never quite believed it.

She sold her house (trailer) to my nephew 2 years ago, and put an application in for this apartment for her and stepdad. My nephew has been waiting to remove the trailer and build his own home on that land. Look what she's done!  She has no place to go. He wants the land he bought. He's to sweet to put them out, but her mouth has caused much trouble

Am I mean for feeling  validated?  I've just been beaten down for so long, I'm feeling Karma is real

Thank you for listening again

[SunnyMeadow]

No, you aren't mean at all. Someone else saw her bad behavior and called out her out for it. That IS validating! 

I still have a copy of a social media post where my uNPDmother made some hurtful comment and she got called out big time! I still read it from time to time.    For me, it's what I wish I could do to my mother publicly.

[Lilyloo]

  I spelled validation wrong :

SunnyMeadow, Me too!! I'd love to do that to my mother!  Thank you for saying it is validation   Mine did the same on social media. People let her have it!  She see's nothing wrong in her nasty behavior. I gain strength coming here because we all have gone through the same things. Each of you truly get it.  Sad for all of us to even have to vent, but wow, such a great group It would have been great to talk about a sweet mother. 

[PinkFreud]

After what most of us here have been through, validation is a critical step on our road to recovery! You aren't mean at all for needing that. It simply reinforces what you already knew deep inside of yourself all along, which is that YOU aren't the one with the problem. You were the victim of a BPD! Please hold on to that, and it will get better! 

[Lilyloo]

Pink Freud, Thank You! It means so much to know I am not wrong. I did know it and now her behavior has proved it true. I was the victim. She has done so much damage to me. I'm trying very hard to heal. All of you here are what I need. It's sad we all suffered the same treatment   

[Associate of Daniel]

My situation is with my uNPD exH and his uNPD wife. I have a son, aged 13.

My journey with validation has been long and interesting.

Initially I wanted validation, especially from uNPD exH's parents, who went NC with me as soon as he left.  I knew they saw his apalling behaviour towards me and wanted them to acknowledge it.

When it finally came about 7 years later (last year) I had reached a point where I no longer needed it, nor wanted it.

I was/am now confident in myself and am surrounded by a small group of solid friends and family who love me, faults and all.

The validating conversation with my ex MIL was nothing but sad.  I now had what I'd wanted but I no longer needed it.  And more importantly, the situation surrounding it (uNPD exH has cut contact with his parents) was just so incredibly sad.

I have come to accept that there will be validation from some people but not from others.  That there are people I've never met who probably believe the rubbish that my uNPD exH and (especially) his uNPD wife say about me. That there are people who knew me who also believe it.  If they believe it, it says more about their characters than mine.

And now that I've reached that point, I find that my recognition of the sadness about the pain that my pds are causing other people, although it is the same as my pain, is more important than my need for validation.

I understand that my situation is very different from others (my pds are exes rather than family) and that I am perhaps further along in my journey than others. I certainly don't want to belittle others' experiences.

My hope is that everyone can reach a similar point of healing and that we can all continue positively on the journey.

AOD

[blacksheep7]

I'm happy for you LindaLoo.

It is a big Validation and it feels Good and it's A okay.   She got a taste of her own bad medicine that she has been giving out.

And yes, they have to pay the consequences of their bad decisions, or comments for that matter.

[SunnyMeadow]

BPD N mother talking about me, how I never do this or that for her. She tells anyone anything! She never said a nice word about me ever.

LindaLoo, I was rereading your topic and this JUMPED out at me!! "I never do this or that FOR her" This is one of my uNPDm's big issues too. How much so-and-so did or didn't do for HER. Everything in life is doing for her!

It's really sickening. I don't expect or want people to do things for me. I can do them myself. I don't sit around stewing about what others do for me. Such a completely selfish way to live life. The similarities in most of these PD people are really shocking.

[PeanutButter]

VALIDATION IS HEALTHY!

Validation is healthy. As human beings we need validation. Experiencing validation after years of being Gaslighted and Darvo'd is to be celebrated imo.

Now I can see how chasing after validation from a toxic person who is not capable or just wont give it is unhealthy.

Thats different than what you experienced lindaloo!

You are being validated by seeing M reap what she has sown. 

[Lilyloo]

Thank You each and everyone. I read your replies over and over. It has helped so much. This is a safe and kind place for those of us hurt and damaged by the ones who should have loved us.  They are all the same. It's about their life. To read how each of you coped and got past it is a huge help. Blessings to all 

[PinkFreud]

LindaLoo,
I'm so glad that you know that you're not alone! The thing that has helped me the most is to finally suck it up and admit that I needed help dealing with what uBPD mom has done to me. I've been in therapy for a year, and I was so fortunate to find a good one. I really want you to consider doing the same. I can't tell you what a relief it is to hear from a professional, who has no dog in the hunt, that you did nothing wrong, that you only had the misfortune to be the child of a mother with a (cluster B) personality disorder. It's validating and liberating! Plus, I'm learning some good coping skills and techniques. I'm also almost finally at peace! I want this for you! 
edited for typo

[p123]

Its good to get validation.....

I get it with Dad who people think is such a sweet old man. Hes a good actor. His cousin over the years, berated me, butted in, told me how I let my dad down. Then one day,

Dad latched onto him and treated him like he treats everyone else (i.e. badly). It was good to see someone else seeing it. Never hear any moans from his cousin now.

[zak]

You have received unsolicited validation and that's rare for us. We're so used to invalidation, so no wonder it's deeply reassuring for you. You are not the cause or are rejoicing in her dilemma, you are just observing and feeling reassured and uplifted that someone else has seen what you know all too well. Covert narcs are so good normally at covering their tracks but she has been caught out and consequences have followed.

Validation is one of the corner stones of recovery in my view. When my T said to me that my father was an uNPD and mother a covert uNPD and that there was really no safe way to be in relationship with them; I felt like punching the air with relief. I was believed, heard, validated and so comforted. So healing.

However it comes, it's a step in our healing.  It doesn't have to be more than that 

[PeanutButter]

You have received unsolicited validation and that's rare for us. We're so used to invalidation, so no wonder it's deeply reassuring for you. You are not the cause or are rejoicing in her dilemma, you are just observing and feeling reassured and uplifted that someone else has seen what you know all too well. Covert narcs are so good normally at covering their tracks but she has been caught out and consequences have followed.

Validation is one of the corner stones of recovery in my view. When my T said to me that my father was an uNPD and mother a covert uNPD and that there was really no safe way to be in relationship with them; I felt like punching the air with relief. I was believed, heard, validated and so comforted. So healing.

However it comes, it's a step in our healing.  It doesn't have to be more than that 

I so agree.

I remember vividly how and when someone validated my experience of abuse. It was a therapist. I was in my early 20's. I couldnt believe how good it felt for him to say "that must be really painful for you peanutbutter".

I believe I had not ever been emotionally validated before that.

I was talking to him about my unpdH's (now ex) reaction to our son being born. He stopped coming home. He stayed at his M's from the time he got off work to the wee hours of the morning or all night. He was swearing to me that nothing was wrong. I was worried about what he might be going through. The therapist directed my focus to me and the hardship it put me in (with a brand new first baby) and my obvious pain.

It sure did impact me! I didnt know the language to describe it (validation) but I knew it was lacking in my relationships.

[Adrianna]

BPD N mother talking about me, how I never do this or that for her. She tells anyone anything! She never said a nice word about me ever.

LindaLoo, I was rereading your topic and this JUMPED out at me!! "I never do this or that FOR her" This is one of my uNPDm's big issues too. How much so-and-so did or didn't do for HER. Everything in life is doing for her!

It's really sickening. I don't expect or want people to do things for me. I can do them myself. I don't sit around stewing about what others do for me. Such a completely selfish way to live life. The similarities in most of these PD people are really shocking.

This is a common theme among npd/BPD elders. You are only as good as the last thing you did for them.

I'll never forget the comment my grandmother made when her nephew died. She was upset about it, So I asked what do you miss about him, and her comment was "He used to do a lot for me."  She proceeded to rope his wife into becoming her servant for years until she moved away.

She told me once I could never divorce my husband because then he won't do things for her. He rarely did anything for her anyway.

Whenever a new neighbor moved into the neighborhood, she would say "I hope they're good to me."  I tried countless times to explain that's not their job. She didn't see it that way.

I would go down every weekend and spend hours doing her errands, going out to lunch with her to get her out of the house, listening to her whine about how no one cares about her or does anything for her. Did I want to? No. But I felt obligated. No appreciation. One time I actually said "You say no one helps you and I'm standing here, on my day off, doing things for you like I do every weekend." Her response? "Well you're a woman." She preferred men servants.

I found out last year she had been telling people for years that I didn't do enough for her. Years ago I was calling her every single day. Every day, after work, when I should be relaxing, the dreaded phone call, because if I didn't, I'd get the guilt trip. The neighbors grandson even told me a few weeks ago that I didn't do enough for her so his grandfather had to step in to help her, and I wasn't at the house very much. He's 6 years old. Obviously his parents talk about what an awful granddaughter I am around him. If my grandmother had her way I would have been at the house every single day, catering to her, and these neighbors would have thought that's just fine. His grandparents knew how my grandmother treated me but only seemed to enable her, never caring about me ever. Never acknowledged the abuse, the guilt trips, the manipulation. To them that's just how old people are. NO validation from them. They'd see me in tears and have no reaction. Her father was likely a narcissist so to her this was normal behavior and in her mind we are put here to serve no matter the treatment we get back. Narcs always have enablers and I'm starting to see that those enablers just add onto the abuse. Often those enablers are victims of narc abuse themselves but haven't done the work to understand how unhealthy it was and they are usually doormats or people pleasers (Like I was.) 

I'd like to put on my grandmothers grave "no one could ever do enough for her." I won't but the thought has crossed my mind. To live a life with such lack of gratitude or appreciation, such inability to see people as actual people, with feelings, needs, lives of their own, unable to see them apart what they can do for you, is a life wasted. I found out recently that she would occasionally call the funeral director and ask him to strike all family members names out of her obituary (meaning we weren't performing as expected at that time so she was angry) then would call him a few weeks later and say to put us back in. We are ONLY as good in their minds as what we can do for them.

[SunnyMeadow]

I'd like to put on my grandmothers grave "no one could ever do enough for her." I won't but the thought has crossed my mind. To live a life with such lack of gratitude or appreciation, such inability to see people as actual people, with feelings, needs, lives of their own, unable to see them apart what they can do for you, is a life wasted. I found out recently that she would occasionally call the funeral director and ask him to strike all family members names out of her obituary (meaning we weren't performing as expected at that time so she was angry) then would call him a few weeks later and say to put us back in. We are ONLY as good in their minds as what we can do for them.

If I was walking through a cemetery and read that on a headstone, I'd know exactly what kind of person she was!    That would be funny!

The bolded part above should be required reading for newbies here. That definitely sums it up. It's all about them.