Struggling with Sweet Sister's Passing

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LoverofPeace

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Struggling with Sweet Sister's Passing
« on: June 21, 2020, 04:43:42 PM »
Firstly, a Happy Father's Day to those good fathers out there.  :applause:

I am struggling with a lot all at once. What has been keeping me sane are my talks with God and meditation. I also needed to write it out to help me from rolling back into the fog that seems to want to follow and engulf me. That fog for me is mostly the Nmom and Nsis.

The saddest thing of all is that my other sis who was sweet and used as a scapegoat growing up, passed away last month. This is devastating to me, because she had rightly distanced herself from the FOO members who are left now (alot of members have passed away). Therefore, I hadn't spoken to her for about 10 years; she spoke to me at first and kindly brought over a care package and money when I was laid up from a broken ankle. At the time, she wasn't speaking to my Nmom and grandmother (who I can't figure if she is an N, but she might be a passive one). But I berated her for not speaking to them. I thought I was doing right at that time, and even said about my grandfather who passed away a few years prior and used to be the strong figure that kept us all together, "He wouldn't be proud of you right now (how she is "treating" my grandmother). She had calmly responded that I was naiive and I became offended (couldn't see it at the time). Now I realize that I was subconsciously afraid of becoming the scapegoat and was doing flying monkey activities on their behalf. But I can't imagine what that must have done to her, because she is very sensitive; which contributed to making her the sweet person she was. So, even though I THOUGHT I was doing the "right thing" concerning family; she was right to go no contact with me, too. But I am feeling partly responsible for her feeling isolated.

Over the years, we would try to contact her to let her know about certain family events by leaving phone messages on her voicemail. But of course, no reply (can't blame her at all now). The bright spot was her son always stayed in contact; holidays, birthdays, funerals, simple hellos, etc. and he reminds me so much of her. His beautiful nature, that I've always appreciated and said so, it gives me peace.

A few years ago, I left an email having the gall to ask her if we siblings could all pitch in to help mom who is starting to struggle with paying her bills. This is even though she gambles! But I was so used to her doing this since I was 12, I factored that into it being her lifestyle (something FOO and friends would say too). Once again, this sweet sis didn't respond. Can't blame her again; in hindsight.

Eventually, I stopped calling her and finally realized she didn't want to be bothered. Along the way, I felt resentful for being the one who had to arrange these holidays, birthdays, etc. with the Nmom and grandmom. While I felt the Nsis did what she wanted (could pop up here and there certain holidays; lessened over time; realized because I was taking care of it), and the sweet sis stayed away year after year. While my thoughts were we were all going to pitch in for them.

But it began dawning on me what the sweet sis was doing--saving herself! And she went back to school and received her Masters in Social Science. This was quite an accomplishment also because her ex-husband is a Narc and stopped her from going to school when they were together. Not only did she divorce him, she repaired her finances that I understand he helped to ruin, and finished her degree! This is what I have done too; gone back to school a couple of years ago. And slowly realized she was one of the reasons I did it--after wondering if I could with my Nmom and grandmother's back and forth hospital visits I ended up dropping everything in order to be a first 'family member' responder. But I started distancing myself from their chaos (as some emergencies could have been avoidable) and just recently wanted to make contact with the sweet sis again to at least apologize to her. Then the Nmom's message came last month that she passed. This is hard for me partly because the sweet sis didn't deserve to deal with this on her own and I can't communicate this to her.

I am also left with these N's I can't communicate with; as mentioned before (ad nauseum, but unfortunately relevant to the issue) the Nsis physically attacked me a couple of years ago and it fully dawned on me what the sweet sis HAD to do to get her peace and gain her prosperity. This same Nsis used to harrass her and once called her a derogatory name that the Nmom laughed about.

I felt in order to defend and define myself, I had to get the Nsis off my back (won't go into detail here) and while the Nmom was there, to this day she defends the Nsis (a phone argument this past weekend; and discarding certain parts as usual to try to state her case why I did wrong to the 'golden child'-didn't say that part, but might as well have). I said she can have her favorite and we can disagree; but just don't put her hands on me (I was yelling this; feeling PTSD I would say). I said this wasn't cute (because the Nmom tried laughing about it after this happened, too) and it wasn't a case of sibling rivalry as she would like to think. This was straight up harrassment! And don't think she will ride in my car (where she attacked from the back seat), or any car and don't ask me to get together for any reason.

The Nmom kept saying I am looking at it wrong and that I called her (the Nsis) a name, blah, blah. One, who attacks someone while they're driving, even if called a name that actually fit to how she was treating me? And even over something trivial that wasn't any of her business? There's more to it, but it's about being a lifetime of the same 'ol, same 'ol drama and the N's not thinking straight. But at the end of the day, I said I couldn't trust my Nmom. This was hard, yet a relief for me to get out; but as usual, I think this went over her head along with everything else.

Today, I get a text about a link to a tribute my sweet sis' job did about her; sent by the Nmom and to some others. I know the Nsis is on the text. I am somewhat vexed because I work hard to keep gray rock with this violent-prone sis; and I JUST talked to my Nmom about it (I know, it doesn't matter) and don't appreciate being on this group text to somehow awaken things up. It has nothing to do with my sweet sis' tribute; haven't watched it yet though. I tend to shut down when it comes to the N family members being involved in what I want to be a private and peaceful tribute to her. I am actually making my own in time for her birthday next month, and don't even know how I will distribute it just so it won't open things back up with them. I mostly want to speak to my nephew we text almost on a daily; but he doesn't know everything going on with the others.

I don't have a FOC and lost a lot of friends over time--examining this part, I believe it has to do with my upbringing and tendency to alienate others, as I feel I have been; so, it comes natural to me.

A lot to deal with along with the virus and other important issues; and possibly facing layoffs. While I've been doing great in school, it's been draining physically and mentally; and I worry about it affecting my health. Wondering if I should skip a semester.

I know this is a lot; can't believe all this is going on sometimes. That's how I know God is there. I just need another human to weigh in at times, and that's not attached to the situation, but can understand at least some aspects of it. So, while I don't expect anyone to take on all of it, anything one can advise on is always welcome.

I know it's long and complicated so I will narrow it down to these questions:

* Should I reply to my Nmom on this tribute she sent even though I feel she contributed to my sweet sister's feeling isolated by family?
* How should I feel about it, because I feel guilty too, but also feel this dynamic started before I was even born? (Nmom and her Nmother weren't close; had an Ndad with his own issues).
* How to keep safe from the Nsis even though she is the power of attorney for both Nmom and Ngrand but lives out of town, while I live closer to them? Plan to keep away and do things separately during emergencies, but don't want to encounter this Nsis at all if possible.

Thanks. :sad2:









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PeanutButter

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Re: Struggling with Sweet Sister's Passing
« Reply #1 on: June 21, 2020, 05:13:53 PM »
Im so very sorry for the profound loss of your sweet sis. :hug:

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Should I reply to my Nmom on this tribute she sent even though I feel she contributed to my sweet sister's feeling isolated by family?
* How should I feel about it, because I feel guilty too, but also feel this dynamic started before I was even born? (Nmom and her Nmother weren't close; had an Ndad with his own issues).
* How to keep safe from the Nsis even though she is the power of attorney for both Nmom and Ngrand but lives out of town, while I live closer to them? Plan to keep away and do things separately during emergencies, but don't want to encounter this Nsis at all if possible.

 Do you want to respond to nm on the tribute? It sounds like it crossed a boundary you had set? Do you want to enforce the boundary? If so how could you do that? Ignore? Dont respond? IME that might be my choice.

 How do you feel about it? Whatever you feel that is valid. Although guilt would only be for if you did something wrong. I dont think you did. Even if you did, you are remorseful so IME letting go of the guilt to practice compassion and forgiveness is appropriate.

 Do whatever is necessary to protect yourself. If LC is necessary then so be it. Let nSis come in from out of town if she has the POA anyway. NC is always an option too.

You deserve peace. You have a wonderful example of how to do it in your sweet sis. Dont forget that she showed you the way.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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LoverofPeace

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Re: Struggling with Sweet Sister's Passing
« Reply #2 on: June 22, 2020, 01:00:10 AM »
Hi PeanutButter,

It is always so good to hear from you and thank you for your words that always resonates with me.

Yes, I feel I deserve peace in myself now, which I practice every day through prayer and meditation. The tricky part is that the guilt would rise back up; during trigger moments, I guess. But I keep replacing the negative thoughts with positive ones.

There are a couple of things that does already console me; I once called a couple of years ago and left a voicemail message on my sweet sis' phone to say she was right; after having to teach the Nsis a lesson for attacking me while I was driving. I didn't go into detail; just told her she was right all along. I pray she heard that much; planned to tell her sorry in hopes of meeting up with her. It just never happened; probably because she never responded to that and at that point I just wanted to respect her wishes to be left alone.  But my nephew said her phone number never changed, so I am glad about that. Another thing is I am doing a tribute to her myself concerning her as an artist and it is coming out so beautifully. Not hard to do, because she drew from her soul and her sketches are amazing! Plus, she loved the children and was a teacher; part of the tribute is dedicated to them.

Thank you Peanutbutter. This means a lot to me; feeling so alone in this. I love these words you post at the end: "🍃If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children, adults planted it there🍃.  Mind blown. Why don't we hear this kind of talk in everyday life? I only see it honestly put out there on the web. I think one day it will be the next frontier to tackle; just so we can all heal from it. 

:yourock:  :bighug:
« Last Edit: June 22, 2020, 01:05:01 AM by LoverofPeace »

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PeanutButter

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Re: Struggling with Sweet Sister's Passing
« Reply #3 on: June 22, 2020, 04:01:54 AM »
So absolutely true.

"I love these words you post at the end: "🍃If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children, adults planted it there🍃.  Mind blown. Why don't we hear this kind of talk in everyday life? I only see it honestly put out there on the web. I think one day it will be the next frontier to tackle; just so we can all heal from it. "

Well said. Our societies will be better all round if/when that happens. When the insideous abuse is brought out into the light so its not secret/hidden any more.

Thats whats you and I and this community are helping to do imo. We should continue to talk about these issues.

I use prayer and meditation also. Meditation is new to me but the prayer ive done ever since i was a child.

I believe that you sweet sis knows exactly how you feel now. She is with you LoverofPeace. Watching over you. So happy that you are protecting yourself finally.

Take good care.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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LoverofPeace

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Re: Struggling with Sweet Sister's Passing
« Reply #4 on: June 23, 2020, 12:02:21 AM »
Hi PeanutButter,

Thank you; I also feel finally vocalizing this massive issue into the universe will eventually manifest into better outcomes. We just have to remember there will be narc quakes in order to shake this toxicity down to its core. Can be a scary and lonely ride; but our faith and keeping safe is the key.

In the meantime, there are things we can focus on; like our prayers. And coincidentally (or is it a part of destiny?), about a year ago I happened to buy four 4x4 black and white photographs, all with variations of grey rocks that I hung around my house. Then it occurred to me; oh, shoot! The Grey Rock Method! So,  whenever I do talk to the Nmom on the phone (haven't invited her to my house in ages, thank God she stopped attempting to come over like she used to), I try to remember to focus on one of those pictures while talking. I tend to forget, though. Something I have to work on; but focusing on a helpful object and definitely rehearsing our words beforehand, can help.

As far as the meditation; have you heard of  Insight Timer, a.k.a Insighttimer.com? It's a great tool where you can get many types of meditations on your computer for free. I love the teachers on there. There's the upgrade too that would be paid; but I haven't even needed it, as they have so much free stuff I haven't even done yet; and I have used it just about every day for the past two years now! If you or anyone decide to check it out, I recommend the phone app version from Google Play or another app store; seems to work the best. But the regular website is cool, too. Take your time with it and do it in your own time. That's the whole point to it.

You don't know how much you always lift me up; I only hope I can do the same for you and/or pay it forward for someone else.

Wishing you nothing but joy in your world. Namaste!   

:zzz: (Feeling like I can rest a bit easier tonight while thinking about my beautiful Sis).

« Last Edit: June 23, 2020, 12:15:31 AM by LoverofPeace »

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PeanutButter

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Re: Struggling with Sweet Sister's Passing
« Reply #5 on: June 23, 2020, 02:49:35 AM »
Thank you. Thank you for the kind words even while you are sad. I think this shows so much good about who you are.
I had not heard of Insighttimer.com. Im going to check that out.
The pictures of the grey rocks; wow you knew before you knew. So amazing.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle