Hello all hopeful steps...

[Leonor]

Hi everyone,

I tend to stop by here in crisis but I thought I would share some changes I've been making lately in regards to me, dh and ils.

So ILs are the needy chaos type with an occasional dash of ridiculous thrown in. The issue I have is really with dh, who is the GC and is constantly guilted into dumping me and our kids to run after them in a panic. For the past 15 years I have been the sweet Dil who is really just a nice accessory, or grandchild nanny, or table servant.

After some particularly nasty episodes, I finally resigned from the hostess gig and declared myself NC with ils, checked back into therapy and set an ultimatum with dh that we get into counseling to set this ship aright or I walk, and that I wasn't going back to his country (we split the year half here, half there) until we are at least one year in serious t.

Surprisingly, dh took it in and took it well. Before things used to get all triggered and ugly when I brought up the ils but he was actually really pretty much on board. Then the pandemic struck, so I am in teletherapy every 2 weeks or so, which is good except I have to have sessions via my phone in my car (my kids are young) and h is going to join us once we can get in session together.

Here's the other big step I took. I announced that I am not going to his home country this summer. Seems basic, but I have spent every summer there for the past 15 years. We have a little flat there. But the idea of going stressed me out this year, and I said so with no argument or upset. After this year I wanted to shelter in place, thank you very much.

DH, however, is homesick and I know he is worried that the ils won't be around much longer (his gma lived to 104 so ... ). And my oldest made straight As his first year of HS, and when we said how to celebrate he said, go to dh's country (they're all dual citizens so they feel at home in both places and can move pretty easy). The youngest two wanted to stay with me, so voila! DH and DS get a special dad-and-son trip, and I kick back with the little kiddies.

Now at first I worried that DH and DS would get sucked into the il drama and ils would be pleased to have suctioned off dh away from me but then I thought #$@ it. I started to make plans for me and how I wanted to enjoy my summer here. I wound up fixing up our bathroom, staining our porch, getting pretty planters and painting some of the trim. Nothing you couldn't find on YouTube, and it certainly looks very DIY, but I'm looking forward to reading a nice book on my clean shady porch!

And I also started teaching myself how to become a web designer. I always loved art and graphic design but didn't think I could make any money at it. I put some little webpages together and had lots of fun. Now I'll finish a certificate this summer!

And I started running. Not real running with numbers and little "k" after them. I don't go very fast or very far. But it feels good.

I cannot believe how much energy I have released by letting go of the ils and dh. It was like a knot of constant anguish in my stomach and I agonized over their manipulations and guilt traps and phony crises. Now when I feel that ick sensation come up I think, "I don't have to keep punishing myself by putting myself between dh and his parents". And I run around the block or water my planters, and breathe.

If DH and DS get abroad, that will be interesting. How will the ils spin this one? I seriously would not put it past them to place themselves at risk of contracting covid in order to gain attention and caretaking from dh. Before, that was the outing -- everyone to the hospital! Or he would leave the kids with me and go rush to their side, and then vent about it to me later. Now he'll have to figure it out on his own. 

So, yeah!

[bloomie]

Leonor - I could not stop smiling as I read your update! What a lovely summer you are having! And a win win situation for your DH and DS.

I cannot believe how much energy I have released by letting go of the ils and dh. It was like a knot of constant anguish in my stomach and I agonized over their manipulations and guilt traps and phony crises. Now when I feel that ick sensation come up I think, "I don't have to keep punishing myself by putting myself between dh and his parents". And I run around the block or water my planters, and breathe.

You have created a wonderful space around your life filled with peace and exciting pursuits instead of stress and a possibly misplaced sense of responsibility for the balance between your ils and your DH. BRAVO!!!!!!

[Leonor]

Thank you Bloomie!

I think the turning point for me was hearing an inner voice say, "You don't have to punish yourself anymore."

That's what I was doing, for some reason. Punishing myself for having been abused as a little kid. Punishing myself for not being worthy of being treated well. Punishing myself for having made my family "go away." Punishing myself for losing so many friends. The ils were like a stick I could beat myself with, because I really didn't think I deserved any better. I hadn't suffered enough yet. And since they would always cause suffering, I could always make myself stand it just a little more. One more visit. One more argument. One more holiday.

Now I don't make it about why they are so messed up or why h puts up with it. I make it about kindness towards me. I haven't moved, and yet I'm unstuck.

[Entj]

Glad to hear you're doing well, Leonor! You deserve it 😊.

'I haven't moved and yet I'm unstuck' - love this!

[PeanutButter]

 
Well done! Leonor, thank you for sharing this. It is encouraging to here that you have found freedom in honoring yourself and innerpeace by letting go of things that are not yours. You are a great example of "what to do". 

[UglyLove666]

Echoing the sentiments of other members' comments, I also felt very liberated on your behalf after reading your post. Very inspiring!