Would you persist in this situation ?

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whole hearted

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Would you persist in this situation ?
« on: June 22, 2020, 10:10:31 AM »
My covertNPD mother is 88, has worsening dementia and is still living alone at home. Having always refused to allow anyone to have a Power of Guardianship, my brother and I last year sough this from the State authorities. Although we had both shared caring responsibilities for her for many years, on the day of the hearing my uNPD brother turned up unexpectedly and demanded to be joint Guardian with my other brother. I should mention that we had not seen him for 20 years till this day. Unbelievably the tribunal agreed to this, however my (normal) brother refused, stating that it could not possibly work given there was no relationship to work from and prior to that their relationship had been full of conflict. The tribunal then asked M who she wanted (she has dementia !!) and she says uNPDB. Unbelievably again, the tribunal awarded Guardianship to him and we were left flabbergasted.
Initially uNPDB had no idea and has been pretty ineffectual while NB has in reality continued to manage matters. Recently UNPD brother had to step up and complete financial disclosure forms for my M in order to apply for permanent residential aged care homes. To date M had refused to let anyone see her finances but at this point uNPDB managed to get access to do the paperwork. Shortly after these forms were done, he then insisted that he take over everything to do with her and that NB was to be removed from any dealings. He had also now applied to be her Financial Guardian and the hearing is in 4 weeks.
I asked my NB had he been provided with copies of the Financial Guardianship applications and paperwork as the law here requires that "interested" people should be given copies of everything.
To be honest, I started smelling a rat when NB was told he was to be removed from any dealings to do with M. Then uNPDB wanting sole Financial Guardianship and refusing to disclose information....really, it looks like self-interest and a future possible financial abuse situation.
I should say this brother really scares me, he is aggressive, toxic, abusive, gaslights and I truly want nothing to do with him. I am financially secure and don't want any of my M's money when she passes but NB is not, and I'd hate to see uNPDB profit at his expense.
I sent uNPDB an email asking to be listed on the Financial Guardianship application as an interested person and requested a copy of all documents. I asked for them within 7 days. Of course, he ignored my request. I then applied directly to the Guardianship tribunal and had to supply a supporting statement outlining why I wanted to be listed. I also was obliged to CC my brothers and this resulted in a long vitriolic email from uNPDB yesterday.
I am very triggered right now and feel that it's a toss up whether to persist or whether to walk away and let NB fight his own battles. I had barely any sleep last night and feel very upset at the thought of taking this any further. I could withdraw my application but morally it really upsets me to let him have the win on this.
Would you persist at the expense of your peace of mind or would you abandon everyone to their fates ? I'm questioning have I gone into 'rescue' mode yet again ? I know it's my decision, but I always get such helpful input here. Thank you
« Last Edit: June 22, 2020, 10:14:39 AM by whole hearted »

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Would you persist in this situation ?
« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2020, 10:36:54 AM »
I am NC with my family. One of the things that lead me to come OOTF was recognizing all the drama around health issues. It was so draining and exhausting.

In this case Iíd ask myself how much harm my brother could really do and if it was worth the stress to me to fight him on this. You say sheís going in to a residential care home so she will be taken care of there. 

I know itís galling to have him swoop in after you did all the work but you could also look at this as a gift. A chance to step away and focus more on your own life. You will be surprised by how much time and energy you have been putting in to taking care of your mother once you can step away.

I strongly believe that we donít owe our parents anything for simply birthing us. Patents build the relationship they will have with their adult children when they are children. If yours was not a happy, loving, secure and supportive upbringing then I feel you are under no obligation to do any care taking.

There are no wrong choices here. You should do what will bring you the most peace and least guilt.

I know in my FOGgy days I would have fought my brother tooth and nail, every single step. Now I see more clearly Iíd likely say ďhave at itĒ, which I pretty much have with my siblings and my father.

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whole hearted

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Re: Would you persist in this situation ?
« Reply #2 on: June 23, 2020, 02:49:00 AM »
Thank you for those insights,  and of course you are right. I've decided to do what brings me most peace and walk away. I'll need to process it for a bit but I'll get there. Yes, it does gall me to see him 'win' but whatever. Back into NC I go; hooray !!


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Pinkos

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Re: Would you persist in this situation ?
« Reply #3 on: June 24, 2020, 03:07:25 PM »
I understand your frustration around this, believe me. I have to agree with GettingOOTF.

Also, I would ask myself, if mom didn't have dementia would she have chosen uNPDB to be her guardian? If the answer is probably, then let them have each other. 

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sandpiper

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Re: Would you persist in this situation ?
« Reply #4 on: July 03, 2020, 09:53:53 AM »
I think the others have covered it.
PDs make their own choices and they get to live and die with the consequences.
I wish I could remember where I heard this, but it's never left me: the definition of co-dependence is that when you die, someone else's life rushes past your eyes. That was a really powerful reminder to me to Let Go, Let God, and Move On with my own life.
I suspect that if you do just hand it all over to the interested players and say 'Have fun with that' then they'll try to reel you back into their drama anyway. I have found that sometimes the best thing to do is to just drop the rope and it ends the tug of war. Just do Grey Rock with it all & try not to buy into any drama, don't triangulate, and go read up on the Karpman Dram a Triangle, if you aren't familiar with it - and resolve to avoid taking a seat on that particular carnival ride as it pertains to your mother.
I think you can provide a sympathetic ear to your brother if it's needed and appreciated, but I'd ask yourself what is to be gained from getting into this muddle.
Your mother made her choice. It wasn't you. I agree with the poster who said that if she wasn't dementing, she would likely have chosen the most dysfunctional and abusive relative to care for her because that's what they see as normal. In her eyes anything healthy is probably an abomination and it's just going to cause her distress to have someone functional and healthy around her to hold up a mirror and show her everything she's not.
I learned to accept that with my family, ages ago. I'm the bad one, I upset them, I trigger them, I do everything wrong.
Life was so much better when I decided to hang up my scapegoat uniform and just think 'that's it, I'm out.'
I

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DistanceNotDefense

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Re: Would you persist in this situation ?
« Reply #5 on: July 03, 2020, 10:19:48 AM »
Your mother made her choice. It wasn't you. I agree with the poster who said that if she wasn't dementing, she would likely have chosen the most dysfunctional and abusive relative to care for her because that's what they see as normal. In her eyes anything healthy is probably an abomination and it's just going to cause her distress to have someone functional and healthy around her to hold up a mirror and show her everything she's not.
I learned to accept that with my family, ages ago. I'm the bad one, I upset them, I trigger them, I do everything wrong.
Life was so much better when I decided to hang up my scapegoat uniform and just think 'that's it, I'm out.'

 :applause: This absolutely nails it.

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whole hearted

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Re: Would you persist in this situation ?
« Reply #6 on: July 05, 2020, 03:22:09 AM »
Thanks everyone. I did opt to withdraw my application and walk away and return to NC but something isn't right even two weeks later. I just feel shattered by the whole experience and can't seem to find my peaceful place again.

After withdrawing my application, I blocked my uNPD brothers phone and email addresses but the image of uNPD M sitting alone in her apartment is squalor, in dirty clothes and with health issues is really triggering a major bout of FOG. I know she made choices and that she has two adults in uNPD brother and normal brother to take care of things; but the fact is they both live 4 and 6 hours away and are not taking care.

Normal B called a few days after my application withdrawal asking for permission to explain to uNPD why I went NC and why both of my uNPD sisters are NC. It's a horrible story of sexual abuse by paternal grandfather and father plus a covert UNPD mother who favoured her boys but competed with her daughters  (NPD father died 40 years ago). A whole other story. I gave him permission to share a few basic facts, but I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of them discussing me and uNPD brother inevitably finding some horrible thing to say about me. I shouldn't care but boy I feel churned up.

I could sort M's situation out very quickly but it's not safe for me to be involved. I just feel so sad and as a decent human, full of compassion for this old ladies wretched situation. I also feel ashamed that I have this hopeless, dysfunctional family and parent. It's all so shabby and sub-standard. I'm angry that uNPD brother is so smug that he's Guardian, yet has no idea of his utter incompetence ! He repeatedly told me that I was not wanted, yet heaped abuse on me for not visiting or calling. I know he'll be running a propaganda campaign as that's what they all do in my experience.

I attended the funeral last week of a friend's mother aged 93. The service paid so many tributes to this lovely lady and the entire family was there, clearly expressing great affection for each other. In comparison, my family is fractured irreparably and I just can't imagine my M's funeral. What could you say about her honestly. Would I even go ?

I'm trying to focus on my own family and husband and grandchildren, all lovely people, and I am. I just haven't been this FOGgy since I made the decision to go NC back in 2015. It was the best decision of my life and I have no regrets. I'll be so relieved when she passes and there won't be any occasions to have any contact with uNPD brother and uNPD sisters.

I feel such a sense of grief for all the losses and sadness and suffering in my life; for all the alienation I have felt; for all the years of hard work it's taken to recover even to this point. I feel like some kind of a freak at times with this horrible cluster of PD's as my family and at other times, so alone and adrift when others talk about their own FOO with love and affection.

As said, I'm very FOGgy and just wanting to be left alone to work my way through it. I know it passes but I feel so fragile right now.

Thanks for listening

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PeanutButter

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Re: Would you persist in this situation ?
« Reply #7 on: July 05, 2020, 11:45:28 AM »
 :grouphug:
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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GettingOOTF

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Re: Would you persist in this situation ?
« Reply #8 on: July 05, 2020, 01:09:28 PM »
Going NC is really hard. Your experience is feeling shattered is similar to how I felt when I finally pulled away. It was like I could see the whole situation with my family clearly for the first time and it was very disturbing.

I got angry at that thought of them all sitting around talking about me. I know thatís what they did as I heard from some Flying Monkeys and I know how my family are.

With time I found a deep peace wirh the whole situation. Occasionally it doesnít still niggle at me that they are so smug when they are really simply terrible bitter people. Overall things are so much better for me now.

You did a brave thing. It wonít feel good for a while and then it will.

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Blueberry Pancakes

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Re: Would you persist in this situation ?
« Reply #9 on: July 05, 2020, 02:54:48 PM »
I have been thinking about this one. Sometimes while I mull things over I come back and see others have posted with very wise and insightful replies that I probably have nothing else to add. LOL. Then I realize I would always welcome another voice.
So, I think you already have made your decision and I can tell you it is the same one I have made for myself. My 82 year old mother has advancing dementia, but is still living at home with minor assistance. I think the decisions she is making now are based on her default settings that have been her lifelong routine. She made my GC older sister her Executor and POA several years ago. Without coming outright and making a verbal statement, our parent makes their choice by their actions.
Going into rescue mode tends to only lead to crazy making. There is usually more swirl, accusation, devaluing and power plays. It usually comes at the cost of your own well-being. It is a difficult choice, but I think having your own mental, emotional and physical health intact is indeed the best outcome.