Sib wants me to feel sorry for him

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Apparently-wicked

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Sib wants me to feel sorry for him
« on: June 24, 2020, 06:42:57 AM »
It's been almost 6 months since I went no contact.  It wasn't my decision as such.  He was so cruel when I last saw him and at the time I told him he would need to apologise.  He hasn't although he started to leave overly loving answerphone messages. He then makes out to sib that I'm ignoring him and she reminds him that he needs to apologise, he then tells her that I was abusive to him when I last saw him :wacko:

Since then he hasn't mentioned me to her.  I've been discarded. 

The thing is sib wants me to pity him and I can feel that she would rather I just didn't care about boundaries and carried on as if nothing has happened.  This is always how it has worked even from little.  Dad behaves badly and the only allowed response is one of pity.  When I feel she is working on the pity angle I remind her that I didn't cause this. And I can't control it.

It's just so frustrating when you have identified this and can see it going back to when you were 5 'poor dad, he can't help it, it's just his way.'  I mean crikey, we're not talking about someone with a quaint foible for collecting car parking stubs. I have memories of him physically abusing my sick sib when she was 10.  Over and over, shouting all manner of things at her. None of it was okay and isn't now. 

And I guess if he can't help it then it's confirmation that staying away is the best for him and me.

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Maxtrem

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Re: Sib wants me to feel sorry for him
« Reply #1 on: June 24, 2020, 10:25:51 AM »
You're dealing with an abuser who distorts reality and facts to present himself as the victim. In my opinion, this is the height of hypocrisy, he gets empathy from others instead of suffering the consequences of his actions.

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PeanutButter

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Re: Sib wants me to feel sorry for him
« Reply #2 on: June 24, 2020, 10:55:49 AM »
 I feel for you. Even though you are trying to have no contact you are still basically hearing everything he says in messages and through sib so the abuse continues imo.
 ime the problem is this connection and how it makes you feel. IMO the problem is not how your sib feels about you and you F's relationship or lack of one.
Imo focusing on my emotions brings me clarity. IME focusing on other's emotions brings confusion and dependency.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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Apparently-wicked

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Re: Sib wants me to feel sorry for him
« Reply #3 on: June 26, 2020, 06:50:06 AM »
Thanks Maxtrem and peanut.  Its hideous isn't it. They've spent a lifetime using our empathy against us that we do it to ourselves.

I'm becoming more aware of how pity has played such a massive role in our family, pity for him. Even when he's caused the problem's he's having. I guess the pity disables your logic which is why they knowingly elicit this.

Urgh.