Do they really believe their stories? (First post here! Sorry it's long)

  • 2 Replies
  • 379 Views
*

alwaysrunning

  • New Member
  • *
  • 3
So, I've finally decided to join this site after reading articles for months.  I am hoping this is the correct forum, since I'm in a strange situation with the BPD.  Long story made as short as possible - my brother who travels for work, impregnated a 'dancer' in another state.  He decided to try and make it work, flew her out here and set up house.  Quickly after, my family and I noticed some strange things with her.  For example, I hugged her and said, "OMG, you're getting so big!!" when she arrived (because she was showing a lot) and that led to a month of her being rude and nasty to me in front of others.  When I finally asked her what was up, she admitted she was mad because I said she was 'big.'  But then claimed she was over it and I shouldn't be so hung up on it LOL...what??  (Mind you, she does this with every time she lashes out - she expects us to forget about it when she's over it) I was so confused, because it wasn't intended to be rude, it was an endearment, , so I chalked it up to pregnancy hormones.  Other things happened relating to control issues over my brother, the baby, etc., but again, we thought it was because of the pregnancy.  Our father had just passed away and she told both my brother and I to not bring our mom around if she was going to 'look sad' because she didn't want that kind of negativity around her baby. 

Not long after my niece was born, things went horribly down the drain due to her alcohol abuse and overuse of Xanax and Adderall.  She had an official diagnosis of ADHD, so it was prescribed, but rather than taking it 'as prescribed' she would abuse it.  The neighbor spoke to my brother about 'concerns' they had due to her mothering when my brother would be gone for work, and she would fight with him into the wee hours, escalating to hitting him.  I urged him to go to counseling because he was ready to call it quits and had become very isolated.  She would pick fights with his friends to the point that no one wanted to be around her anymore.  The counselor told him she was not well and had serious mental issues after only a few visits, but she refused to go back and accused him of having an affair with the therapist.  One night, he was trying to go to sleep because he had a 5 a.m. flight and she kept waking him up telling him he didn't love her, and it escalated to him trying to leave, her jumping on the car screaming at 2 a.m. and police were called.  They said because of the infant, one of them had to go, so they took him in.  That was it for him.  He was released the next morning and never charged with anything, but he was done.  He had a sheriff go with him to the house and he packed a go bag and left.  She wouldn't leave the house for a few months and began calling all of the family members accusing him of beating her.  She joined a church and gave them a whole story about how she was the victim of domestic abuse and painted him out to be the devil.  She used them all up and then dropped them like a hot potato (this includes every other person/group of people she's met since then - it's always some crazy story about something they did to her that was so horrible, but I know that's never the truth).  He broke down to me during this time and told me all about the abuse he suffered during the short time (14 months) of living together.  He had to hire a lawyer to finally get her out of the house, which was awful because she had the baby.  The first place she moved to lasted less than 2 months with the roommate calling CPS on her.  Her first job lasted less than a few months with her getting fired.  And that was just the beginning.  It was a nonstop revolving door of jobs, babysitters, friends, boyfriends, just nuts!  Around the time my niece was one, I began helping her with babysitting while she would work.  She would take my niece to daycare during the week and pick her up at 6 (closing), then I would pick my niece up on Fridays and have her till Sunday nights.  She would go months in between jobs, but still drop my niece off at daycare every day ALL day and then have me watch her every weekend.  I became very attached to my niece and love her to death. 

A year ago in September, they went to court and my brother only asked for one weekend a month.  He was ordered to pay her $2,000 a month in child support and during his wkd, my niece stays with me and he comes over.  I knew there was something up with him, and sure enough there was.  He checked himself into rehab back in November after admitting he had turned to drugs throughout dealing with everything, but has been sober, involved in support groups and doing great ever since.  For the past 9 months, we have had to communicate with her through a court appointed app because she gets extremely mean and nasty otherwise, and it was advised by a therapist to use it.  Unfortunately when I have my niece for weeks at a time, she asks to FaceTime, which I feel would be wrong to deny and I have to deal with her time to time.  I keep detailed notes on everything that happens, including when a sheriff deputy called me at 5:00 a.m. to ask me if I knew her because she was found 'piss poor drunk and had urinated all over herself' in a restaurant.  He demanded to know where the child was when he saw the carseat, and that's how he got my number.  Or the time the daycare called me because she left her daughter at daycare during a wildfire raging through town to go get drunk and no one could get in or out of the town by the time they were closing.  Honestly, there are SO many similar instances, it's mind numbing.  She thinks (and tells everyone) she is the best mother in the world and makes comments like, "I want (my niece) to only come to me when she gets older because we are best friends."  Oh brother.  She takes my toddler out for 'girls' night' and makes up crazy nonsense that my niece 'told her,' things that are impossible because of her age and brain development at this point.  But, there's no reasoning with her, because she's 'always right.'

A therapist my brother had me go to, as he saw I was struggling in dealing with her, told me to get a book called, "Walking on Eggshells."  She and my brother had both gone to this therapist together after they separated because my brother was trying to co-parent, but as soon as she realized my brother was not getting back together with her, she stopped going.  He had paid for her session that she wasn't going to go to, so he had me go.  I was shocked when I read the book title because I didn't know what BPD was, but I sure the hell recognized it when I was reading the book in her!  It helped, but it's still been hard.  About six months ago, I received a call from her mother, whom I had only met once or twice (she lives in another state).  Holy cow, I heard more than I ever needed to hear.  Apparently, she was diagnosed with ODD and ADHD at 6 years old after being kicked out of school.  Her mom told me how difficult it's been with her for all of her time on this earth, but that everyone was afraid of her, so they just used gray rock as much as possible.  She said everything I was sharing is what they had dealt with for years (constantly being fired from jobs, constantly having blowouts with relationships and friends, never taking responsibility for anything).  I was blown away.  She said she had hoped things would turn around after she had the baby, but sadly it didn't.

Fast forward to now.  My brother is going back to court (this has been pushed to August because of coronavirus) to get more time with his daughter.  When COVID hit and my niece's daycare closed, she was with me for 5 weeks straight.  Her mom wasn't working or doing anything, but she had a new boyfriend at the time and was busy partying.  CPS has been involved three times now, basically just closing the case.  She smokes pot from the time she wakes up till the time she goes to bed, she drinks and drives, fights with others constantly in front of my niece, can't keep a job, has dropped her (one!!) class three semesters in a row (because it's just too much for her), and drops my niece off with me or daycare every chance she can, but apparently, bad parenting is legal.  When she needs me to watch my niece, she's sweet as pie, but after a day or two of having my niece she will start accusing me of something crazy.  It will escalate and then two days later, she'll ask me to watch my niece again.  It's a weekly cycle.  My niece loves my husband and I and cried on Monday when she had to go back to her mom.  It broke my heart.  My brother has it in their paperwork that he can have a third party do pickup and dropoff, but when she is mad at me, she'll threaten to refuse me being able to see my niece.  We call it a cycle of when she's being nice and when she's being mean.  During her mean times, if she feels threatened in any way that her daughter isn't thinking she's the best mom in the world, she will lash out at me and accuse me of 'harming' her in some way.  She will lie and say things that both she and I know aren't true, but it's almost like she believes it herself.  I'm at the end of my rope and now I see why my brother has contemplated just walking away at times.  I'm always urging him to fight on for his relationship with my niece, and at least he has the legality to do it.  I don't have any legal right to see my niece though.  So, I have to keep taking the punches.  My friends say to tell her no and set boundaries, but I always worry she'll leave my niece with some random person, so I suck it up because my niece knows me and it would kill me for her to be dropped off at a random person's house every weekend.  Sorry if this sounds disjointed, but trying to sum up the amount of abuse and ridiculous incidents that have happened is difficult.  My brother's lawyer has put it in the new order for 'first rights' but she would ignore it if she wanted.  I'm constantly telling my brother to bring all of this up in court, but he says doing that will cost another $20,000 on top of the $10,000 he's already spent.  I don't have that amount of money to take her to court either, and not even sure if aunt's rights would be enough.  I could show how I've had my niece more than she has for the past year, but it would cost me an arm and a leg, so my brother just reassures me that he will get more time and I will be able to see my niece during that time.  I have found myself hating her more than anyone I've ever met and that's not like me.
 If she were any other person in the world, she'd be long gone from my life, but I am forced to deal with her terrorism because my niece needs me.  Anyway, I'm exhausted now by reliving all of this lol.  Thank you in advance for any comments of how you have dealt with these situations!

*

notrightinthehead

  • Host Member
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 3813
Alwaysrunning welcome!  Your niece is so lucky to have you in her life. What a rollercoaster ride you have been experiencing!
There will be people who can give you more advice than I can, but I think you should start documenting everything. The abuse, the times you have your niece, whatever you can and start building a case. Maybe you can get to know the people at child protection services and get their advice too.
Also there is a book that I think might be beneficial for you, it is called 'When dad hurts mom' by Bancroft. I know in your case it should be called 'When mum hurts dad' but that does not matter. It has some ideas how to help children to heal and cope when they have to have contact with difficult people.
Have you read the TOOLBOX? You might find some strategies there that will work for you when you have to deal with your SIL. Stick around! This is a great place for information and support.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

*

alwaysrunning

  • New Member
  • *
  • 3
Thank you 'notrightinthehead' for your book suggestion!  I just ordered the book and it sounds like exactly what I need.  Can't wait to read it.  I have spoken to some of the child psychologists at my work about how to help my niece deal with strong feelings, since I know my brother still struggles with this himself, and she gave me some great children's book recommendations.  I bought them and read them to her often.  Her favorite is "Calm Down Monkey" because her mother is often crying when my niece is with her, and I had noticed my niece was fascinated with characters who were sad or crying.  I already document everything, and I mean EVERYTHING!  This is why I don't answer the phone when I see a blocked call because I know it is usually her (unless I have my niece with me, which then I feel like I have to).  I try to force her to communicate everything on the app, so communication is also documented.  I have been reading 'The Toolbox' and am thankful for all of the great info I've found on this site so far.  It makes me feel not so alone.