Huge strides and positives - finally cut ties - but feeling so battered

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Lamplite

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Ok

Long story short. I havent posted here for a long while and have been doing loads of growth in the meantime. A short-lived (thank God) relationship with a full-on NPD/ASPD man caused me to delve more into learning and recovery with the result that I have enforced boundaries with a number of 'friends' who reacted badly and disappeared. I consider it a colonic irrigation of my life - all good, but it can be lonely.

My ageing BPD m and enDad (80 and 89 years old respectively) live in the same village as me. Didn't think BPDm could have got worse with age but as their physical health fails, she has become even more horrendous. Her abuse and control used to be punctuated with some episodes of 'normality' but now they have all merged into one relentless attack on me, demands on me and attempts to triangulate my 11 year old daughter (I'm a  single mom). I put boundaries in place and went even more LC which escalated the abuse and finally the last straw came in December. My own life was pretty demanding (working, studying for new careeer as will be made redundant, keeping house, caring for DD, underlying physical illness, r rehoming my dog  :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( which broke my heart and got deceived by mom into taking her to a last minute hospital appointment which turned out be be ruse to take her clothes shopping. I flatly refused and mentally stood back to watch her pull out every single abuse tactic it's possible to play: the whole lot.  Raging, shaming, name-calling (fat, ugly, a bitch), triangulating (the whole family hates me - which is true because as the scapegoat she has smeared me all my life), projection (I'm controlling, abusive, coercive), threats (disinheritance, sabotaging my work relationships, reporting me for my supposed abuse of my child),  false accusations (I've been F*cking my dad for years apparently). I know you are all broadly familiar with these behaviours, which is a comfort to me. Got to the hospital and the victim mask went back on - silently weeping, quavering voiced requests to staff to 'help me', pretend flinching when I  approached her to pick up her dropped handbag. And I just knew I had reached the very end of the road. I took her home, and cried all  the way home for my dog and thinking how weird that my own mother is worth less to me than a pet. So on the way home, I missed the turn off for the shops (she obviously thought I would give in to her bullying, but I didnt) and she escalated (first time ever) to physical violence. Poking me in the arm and trying to punch me in the face as I was driving. So I pulled over and gave her 52 years of stored up hatred, right back in her face. I allowed myself the luxury. I named every single abuse tactic, I told her I know her diagnosis, that she wouldnt have it if she hadn't f*cked her own dad (may God forgive me) . I called her a f*cking horrendous person, an abuser and I  told her I would involve the police if she laid hands on  me again. It was very heated but I needed to get it out there. My daughter and I have never been back to their house and when she's tried to hoover by phone (gaslighting, pressing the reset button etc i just hang up).

So enDad was sent to me at Christmas to ask if she could visit in the morning and I refused. He has occasionally groped his way (half blind, deaf and 125 lbs in weight) to my house to 'visit'. I've allowed him in and enjoyed his company but have not allowed any discussion of contact with mom. So this week, it was my daughter's birthday, and they turn up unannounced on the doorstep (predictable, I know). She's pulling out the big guns, as she knows I would never refuse entrance to my dad. But he's the Trojan horse, and he's allowed himself to put himself and me in this position. So I kept them at the door long enough to take the temperature and refused to allow them in. It hurt me to turn my dad away, but NO MORE. Me first now dad, not you. And they're not bringing that dysfunction and negativity into my home. So I stuck to my boundary (yay) and my mother starting trying to hit me across the legs with her walking stick. I again warned her not to touch me, and closed the door on her but it cost me to see my dad hobbling away, and espeically since my daughter was sobbing. The cognitive dissonance around my dad gets me every time -  I really feel for him, as I know she physically abuses him as well as emotionally - but I am so frustated with him for tolerating it. I dont think I'll ever come to terms with it, even though I know it is vital for my continuing recovery.

I talked it through with my DD and got the birthday back on track. We managed to have a nice time, and she had a friend round socially distancing. Later in the evening she cried, because she had received a text from her cousin (daughter of my uHPD/ BPD/ ASPD? sister with whom I have been NC for several years). It was of course a proxy flying monkey hoover but it shocked the bejesus out of my DD who felt utterly hurt and betrayed by her cousin. It said they'd had a birthday present for her (they never usually observe her birthday) but because I had refused to go to grandparents to collect it and I had gravely mistreated the poor old grandparents, she could only have the present if they drove a 50 mile round trip to her dad's house to deliver it. Soooo dysfunctional. I felt really sad for my DD who got a real insight into my family dynamics and was so angry and hurt. On the good side, we again talked about it and I let her consider how she felt the text should be dealt with. She decided that no response was the best response because even though she felt that her auntie was behind the text, she could no longer trust her cousin. I asked her to consider what boundary violations had happened in the text, and she was able to identify four of them off the top of her head. So I was very reassured that she was able to process it all and react healthily. Later though, she said that sometimes - because I am estranged from the whole family effectively and also her dad with whom I promote a good relationship for her - she admitted to wondering if it is actually me who is at fault. If I am the bad / weird / mental one. I admit, I didn't really know how to answer her but I again explored with her what she thought love looked like and if she felt I was controlling, or had violated the boundaries by involving the whole family. She said no, she felt that 'we' had acted appropriately, even when I raised my voice to warn grandma.

I've felt like crying for days, but keep the lid on it because in  lockdown there is not much psychological space from my daughter and I dont want to be weeping and wailing around her. I had a brief altercation with her dad (he failed to pay me the child support he owes me) and I told her how frustrated I was with him, and called him an ***hole. I know I shouldnt have,  and it's bad for her but I'm not a saint and the irritability from suppressed emotion was getting me down. I apologised to her later, and explained that I needed to express myself honestly, I just shouldnt have expressed them to her.

All in all, I feel pretty overwhelmed. I'm coming to terms with being disinherited, bullied, isolated, smeared, and the probable imminent death of my enDad, the loss of my dog, the uncertainty of my job in these strange times, keeping my daughter and me afloat emotionally and financially and not really  having anyone to talk to about it. It's an absolute Godsend to have this forum where people know exactly the behaviours I'm talking about. Most people are just clueless. One friend told me to take my mom some flowers.  :stars:

Anyway, thanks for listening. I aimed for this to be short, and missed.  :bigwink:

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SunnyMeadow

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Lamplite, you've dealt with so much. I'm sorry that on top of everything you have a horrendous BPDm to deal with. The stress and anxiety has got to be overwhelming.

After she said all this:
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Raging, shaming, name-calling (fat, ugly, a bitch), triangulating (the whole family hates me - which is true because as the scapegoat she has smeared me all my life), projection (I'm controlling, abusive, coercive), threats (disinheritance, sabotaging my work relationships, reporting me for my supposed abuse of my child),  false accusations (I've been F*cking my dad for years apparently)
and did this:
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she escalated (first time ever) to physical violence. Poking me in the arm and trying to punch me in the face as I was driving
I'd do the exact same thing as you, cut ties and work on healing from this evil and disgusting treatment.

The bit about your dad being abused is heartbreaking though. Do you think your mom might have dementia? I was reading about the extreme personality changes that happen, physical and verbal abuse. Even if she does, not your problem! But wouldn't it be nice if she was placed in a care home where someone else had to deal with her besides your dad. My dad wanted to leave my mom but a tragic event happened and he felt he couldn't leave. So there they are both in their 80's, hating each other, yelling and bickering everyday. It's disgusting. These men chose to stay with these awful women and while I feel sorry for them, they make this choice daily. Your dad made the choice to stay with her and what a terrible choice it is.

I'm glad you cut ties, very necessary and helpful for you! You and your DD need simplicity, calm and breathing room with all this turmoil. Keep posting! You're right, we get it and will never suggest you take your mom some flowers.   :no_shake:

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Lamplite

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Dear Sunny

Thank you for your message. It is indeed a comfort to me.

Yes re the dementia. I forgot to mention it in my earlier post. She does things that are strange even by her own standards of weirdness, and she is forgetting ordinary words like 'spoon' or 'table'. A few months ago, she became mega-exasperated and livid at me for my (supposedly deliberate)  non-comprehension when she said instructed me to 'go out out there and get the whatsit to give to whatshisname in exchange for that thing...'. I had no clue what she was talking about and endured a ragey-hate attack as punishment. She also screamed at me for putting a meal in the freezer ('the white thing') when she had meant the oven.

She's a bloody nightmare. I feel so sad and triggered. My DD's birthday reminded me of all the birthdays and special occasions we either didnt observe as a family or she deliberately ruined. I felt so sad for my dad -  a lost cause for 65 years - who gave up everything for her lunacy, including his parents, his siblings, a normal family life, quality of life, friendships, hobbies and his relationships with everyone else horribly circumscribed and controlled and supervised. All poured down the drain of her spiteful, deranged, vengeful needs. I hate her covert ass and I  wish she was dead. My dad's death is not far off, and I hate leaving him to it but my daughter's wellbeing has to come first.

I mainly feel  as if I cope well under the circumstances but the everlasting sadness is hard to bear.

Thanks again.

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PeanutButter

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 :hug: I deeply feel for you.

That is truly horrific abuse you describe.

I am so proud of you for standing up for yourself and your daughter. imo you had no choice but to go NC indefinitely. Your M is dangerous! IME

 I understand about your dad. My enD was my 'good' parent. Yet he stays married to ubpdM. She verbally, emotionally, and physically abused all of us. He gave a silent audience to it.

 I could not and would not have done the same. Its been very hard to reconcile this reality with loving him, feeling sorry for him, and needing him to be a victim with me (as I use to believe), not another abuser of me. :(
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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SunnyMeadow

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I hate her covert ass and I  wish she was dead.

I feel the same way about my uNPDmother. I'm impatiently waiting for that phone call!

You and your daughter DO come first!  :like:

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Lamplite

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Thank you PeanutButter and Sunny.

'I could not and would not have done the same. Its been very hard to reconcile this reality with loving him, feeling sorry for him, and needing him to be a victim with me (as I use to believe), not another abuser of me. :(:yeahthat:

My enDad is both victim and abuser. I am furious with him for allowing himself to be pressured to come to my home to test my boundary. He sent me a follow up email which must have taken hours given his poor eyesight, saying how sad he was. I noticed he didnt say 'sorry'. I think alot of the time he is oblivious, which serves his own interests of course. Even my daughter commented saying how Granddad could be so brave (he is a social  justice activisit. He lives by the tenet that evil succeeds when good people stand by and do nothing). How utterly ironic. Subconscious compensation maybe.

I feel better for having cried all day in my daughter's absence, just to get it out. I wonder wtf I did in a former life to deserve this FOO cos I sure as sh*t did nothing to deserve it in this one.

Thanks both for your understanding - especially the confusing feelings about my dad. I've emotionally written my mother off but I still feel very enmeshed with my dad, and wonder if I'll ever be able to break free of it...

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PeanutButter

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Im glad you got a chance to cry. Sometimes letting my tears come helps a little!
I do understand!
You dont deserve any of this! You are a good person!

:bighug:
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle

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nanotech

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Iím sending hugs and understanding. Remember how much healthier it is for your daughter to see you assert yourself. In the long run this will raise and strengthen her emotional intelligence.
Though itís painful and upsetting short term, by watching you sheís learning how to protect herself from any future PD behaviour that might present itself to her, whether  It is a family member or not.
Itís all good preparation for her in terms of life skills.
Things may feel chaotic for you right now, and very sad. But you are doing the right thing by standing up to this coercive behaviour.
You canít help your dad unless he wants to help himself. He is old and vulnerable, but thatís no reason to expect you to give in to  pressure. His weakness around your mum is his stuff to deal with, and therefore  it shouldnít impact on you in the form of an aggressive attempt to gatecrash your home. Iím so sorry youíve had to go through this.

If they werenít our parents- sigh. They abuse the fact that they are. Well, they try.
You will be happier again, this will pass.
« Last Edit: July 05, 2020, 11:23:10 PM by nanotech »