Very surprised by sudden emerging feelings of low self esteem and worthlessness

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Heartily

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Hi, going to sleep, just a few quick lines. Read  a few topics since a long break and surprisingly, felt sober, I recognize this, these people know. I have introduced myself times ago. No one probably remembers, but hey, you know the story.

I watched a wonderful documentary of Dr. Ruth. She was lucky, had loving parents, was the only child. Survivor of the holocaust, lost her parents at the age of ten. I must add at this point that some people do not realise how lucky they were to ´be free` of their parents. (I do not mean Dr. Ruth here.) I have read that Gary Grant had horrible, abusive parents. Ar least, a mentally ill, abusive mother. He was very lucky to  escape her at an early age. Had he lived with her through his teen and early adolescent years, he probably would not have made it the way he did. She would have wrecked his mental health.

Back to Dr. Ruth documentary. She really has had a wonderful and successul life. Meaning she has been happy and fulfilled. She had good relationships, she has children and grandchildren. She appears not to carry along any weight of abuse.

In general, I am not the kind of a person to  compare my life to others´. However, for some reason (aging perhaps?) I am ashamed, how badly I feel about myself and my life. At the moment, I totally lack seeing prospects in my life. And I am not depressed. For me, my natal country just tuned out to crush all my earlier achievements (abroad), as if I had done nothing. Due my earlier choices, I have no children. (Possibly, my dysfuctional family background is a reason, too.) I am divorced from a horrible narc husband and as I came Out of the FOG, realised that I have been all  my life and even now, conditioned by my very highly dysfunctional family of origin.

I feel my self esteem is zero and that my life is worthless. Honestly, this is how I feel. Yes, I will somehow find my way out of this state of lack of seeing prospects (well, there are none). One can be happy without prospects.  However, right now I feel good that I am able to say that I feel my life is a loser´s life in comparison for example Dr. Ruth who has been so blessed in her life. It really is a wonder how some people are truly blessed in life. I think Michael Landon is another blessed one. He did not have a great start in life (a loony mother who abused him), but he was so fortunate in his life in many ways.

Thank you for reading.

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nanotech

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You are worth so much, we all of us are.
Please remember to give yourself that same unconditional love  that you give to those celebrities you admire.
All we have to do on this earth is be present
and speak our truth.
The idea that we have to somehow prove ourselves worthy ( of what? how is it measured?) is a fake and misleading.
It’s hard when you come Out of the FOG. A new awareness is born, but we can start to grieve mightily,for what is finally lost.
We’ve stopped fooling ourselves that our family of origin was ever okay and normal. We are looking the truth right in the eye, and it is painful.
We can feel very low at this time, But I’m here to tell you that these feelings disperse and you will emerge all the stronger for speaking the truth to yourself. Take care for now. You will feel stronger soon.

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Heartily

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Thank you, Nanotech, for your reply. It is powerful.

This was a bout of low feelings. I am a grateful person, do not compare myself with others (normally) and always want to celebrate my life. Every breath is a gift of life. However, this bout of low self esteem and some kind of a sudden upsurge of my shadow, it needed to come forth. There comes a point when one must face what´s crippled within oneself. Without acknowledging and accepting the huge part of one´s life  out on a limb, there is no possibility of healing or becoming who one is without the role within the dysfunctional family.

it is hard to speak out about one´s shadow. It is possible that it is there for most people to see but it is I myself who think I keep it well hidden.

I

It’s hard when you come Out of the FOG. A new awareness is born, but we can start to grieve mightily,for what is finally lost.
We’ve stopped fooling ourselves that our family of origin was ever okay and normal. We are looking the truth right in the eye, and it is painful.
We can feel very low at this time, But I’m here to tell you that these feelings disperse and you will emerge all the stronger for speaking the truth to yourself. Take care for now. You will feel stronger soon.


I would very much like to hear how people have opened the gates to become their true selves instead of the false self in the dysfunctional family.

Best wishes

« Last Edit: June 26, 2020, 06:40:56 PM by Heartily »

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SaltwareS

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I've been there.

I am not there now. But I've been there.

And it seems to have an external cause - guilt about being insufficiently grateful?

I think you will find your way up and out from this feeling. Sure, Michael Landon had a rough beginning. But maybe his abuse was more overt and he was less confused about it. There are all sorts of circumstances. Covert abuse is very hard to figure out. It takes (unfortunately) some time. I feel angry sometimes, why did it have to use up so much time to figure out. I still feel I could have had a faster track of recovery, but it is what it is.

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nanotech

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Have you seen the movie, The Matrix?

It’s just like the choice between taking the red pill or the blue pill.

Blue pill = blissful ignorance and happily carrying on your life, living as your false self.
Red pill = knowing the truth, seeing everything clearly; living authentically.

That Red Pill. It’s like a rebirth. It hurts like hell.

Once you’ve chosen to take it, there’s no going back, but no one comes with us, so we often feel that we want to. Then of course, we still  have to work very hard on ourselves, flying solo within the constraints of the skewed perspectives of those who wish to remain ignorant and so, dysfunctional.
Our questioning and truth -saying falls on closing ears- to listen would be dangerous in their  ‘safe‘, illusionary world.
They have no choice but to devalue and discard us.

There’s a quote about The Matrix ( Emma Grey Ellis)

“ Their knowledge ( after taking the red pill) gives them the power to navigate the Matrix ( alternate, virtual world) and, at times, bend it to their will, but while they're inside, they're still shackled to a chair by their headjacks, the same technology that used to be the primary tool of their enslavement.
That continued dependency is deeply unpleasant.........and somebody under the influence of the system might come along and rip out your brainstem. But recognizing that you still have to work within the system in order to create systemic change is part of being someone who favors the red pill.”

That last sentence is so relevant. Freedom comes with the price of grief, loss, feeling deserted, feeling under attack, etc., but it’s worth it.
And things improve.
My family of origin have to accept now, that I’ve changed. I’ve had to re assert my boundaries many times. I’m VLC with some, and NC with those who just wouldn’t give up on trying to haul me back into blue pill territory. They try this for their sake, not ours, but they always dress it up as empathy/ concern, even as love.
It’s a siren song. They wanna stay warm and unthreatened in that darn FOG, and they need us there as accomplices to all of the magical thinking. We can only save ourselves.
« Last Edit: July 03, 2020, 10:47:18 AM by nanotech »

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Heartily

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Thank you people. your words comfort me, they do. And, we are just people - among 7.8 billion people, or so. Yes, it does make me feel better to know that there are people who know what I am feeling and going through. And who share their suffering. Thank you nanotech and SaltwareS.

About Michael Landon. I just love him, his ethics and his work. I share his values what he created in his work to share with people. Yeah, he was incredibly lucky. I really love him and feel his soul is a bright star in the stardust. He apparently had a Jewish dad, perhaps that relationship was better. At least he seemed to have escaped his mother and I presume he had no siblings. He was saved from the family persecution. In a larger family, I suppose the damage is larger. One child usually carries the responsibility and so is bound to the dysfunctional family for most of his/her life until takes the red pill. I think the movie Precious is a good example of someone who managed to get away, at least physically. Well, that was a pretty bad abusive mom she had, the precious girl.

Unfortunately, I have not seen Matrix. "It hurts as hell". Yeah, I have chosen to take the red pill. It is comforting to hear that this will pass. DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT IS AWAITING? I mean, I suppose at a point one just needs to cut off thinking of these people and the lifetime of abuse. Otherwise the traumatic flashbacks just keep coming. It is like addiction.

Nanotech, yes, that´s it. The abuse in my family of origin has been so severe that it is only the past years that I have been shifting towards clarity, and that has been hurting like hell.

Serious dysfunction in a family isolates the whole family, and dysfunction can be recognized by the extreme isolation of nearly each member of the famiöy. Also, early death, illness etc.

Well, I just finished the English author Anita Brookner´s novel The Next Big Thing. I have read it before, it is a challenging read. English is not my native tongue and Brookner is a very skilled but challenging writer. This time I found the book VERY touching. It is about what we are experiencing here, just expressed in a civilized way.

In our hearts, let´s be there for each other, loving ourselves despite our (elongated)  bad starts in life


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nanotech

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Oh I have to watch Precious, I’ve not seen that one!
I really like films or series that deal with dysfunctional families and the choices the children have to make.
Drop Dead Fred is a children's film from the 90s. It’s a comedy, but it’s also about a child with a very disordered mother.
I like Michael Landon too. I didn’t know about his upbringing. Awww.
« Last Edit: July 09, 2020, 09:48:35 PM by nanotech »

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Heartily

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 :) I gotta watch that film Drop Dead Fred. Usually, there´s a great sense of humour with survivors. Yes, the film Precious is tough, and I am sure it´s happening a lot. The woman who played the part of Precious was sooo good. The film has a great ending, so encouraging which I like. That girl Precious had guts.

Yes, Michael Landon was not suited to slick Hollywood movies. He was not a pretender, he played more or less himself and promoted his values. I watched the series when I was young, just about a year or two younger than Melissa Gilbert who played the part of Laura Ingalls. They have this series running again now in my country´s ´netflix` (know what I mean). I am watching it, I watched already 120 episodes since May this year. I realized that it is part of my inner healing journey, through this series I am kind of nurturing myself watching a screen family functioning in a way that was totally lacking in my family then and now. More so, I have those values and i am not terribly religious. (Well, perhaps I will become a Bible reader by the time I finish with the series).) I cry each episode and man, my heart feels lighter each time.. Take care, nanotech. Bless your heart.  :)

PS I just read the synopsis of the movie Precious. It does not have a particularly happy ending. I had forgotten about the ending. However, that Precious is something. She has the intention to live her life to the full. As we all should despite what we have left behind us. A beautiful movie which everyone should watch for a reality check.
« Last Edit: July 12, 2020, 02:23:14 PM by Heartily »