No Where Else to Turn

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EmaAlyce

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No Where Else to Turn
« on: June 26, 2020, 11:43:45 AM »
I'm a 41 year old female veteran in a 17 year marriage. I can't sleep. I have to be on guard or he'll do unspeakable things to me and the kids. No consent is no consent, but the entitlement overides that. I can't even beg a couple bucks for clothes without holes. If I can force myself to shower I still have to be seen in a miserable state, I hate people staring but I would too if I saw a mess like me. Thoughts of self harm were finally fading when I began to educate myself and realized the abuse has been my whole life. Narc dad, sis, 2 grandmas. One wad responsible for my mother's untimely demise. I have no support. The VA retraumatizes me if I reach out. Moving 2 years ago cut me off from my friends, job, graduate program and hope. He wasted my inheritance so I can't leave, can't work. I don't want to die alone like my mom did. I couldn't even go to her funeral or the narc would molest the kids. I don't know what help is available. I don't want to be a statistic.

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catta

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Re: No Where Else to Turn
« Reply #1 on: June 26, 2020, 03:27:50 PM »
Hi EmaAlyce-- it sounds like you and your kids are in a scary situation. Based on what you wrote, I would suggest calling a domestic abuse hotline, such as the National Domestic Abuse Hotline, 1-800-799-7233 (or 1-800-787-3224 TTY). You can also text “LOVEIS” to 1-866-331-9474 or chat online with a volunteer at https://www.thehotline.org/ -- whatever you feel is the safest form of communication. The hotline can hopefully give you advice for keeping your family safe and help you find resources for leaving, if that is what is needed.

I'm so sorry to hear about all the pain you are describing. You have been through a lot. Realizing that you have been/are being abused is a first step toward improving your situation. Things are not hopeless; they can improve. I hope this forum is helpful to you.

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BeautifulCrazy

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Re: No Where Else to Turn
« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2020, 04:48:43 PM »
Hang in there EmaAlyce!!

 :grouphug:
So much love, encouragement and support, to you, from me!!
I am so sorry about what you are going through!! I know what it is like to feel hopeless and alone and to feel retraumatized by those that are supposed to help :(
Please, please be assured that there are options out there. Nearly a decade ago I left a man who thought rape and physical torture were entertaining pastimes and his right over his wife and children.
It seemed impossible, and it took a lot of help, and a lot of courage and perseverance, but I did escape. YOU CAN ESCAPE TOO!!
Like you, I had some bad experiences when I reached out for help, but I persevered because of my children. I had to get them safe, and I had to live through the experience, so I could always be there to protect them.
You CAN overcome the self- harm thoughts and overcome the harm being done to you and your kids!! I can see by your post that you are a rational person and you are seeing your situation for what it is. You are well spoken and have the capacity for clear level-headedness. YOU CAN DO THIS!!
I don't know what kind of resources your area might have but here is a list of things / places that might help you.

Child or family protective services
Crisis organizations or help lines
Mental health support services or crisis lines
Domestic violence shelters or services
Police or EMS workers
Hospital or healthcare providers
Anything to do with family law (our local courthouse is tiny but it has a room called "family law information center" where I learned a lot about how to go about protecting the children and what my Ex's rights and responsibilities were)

Be persistent!! Contact EVERYONE YOU CAN and let them know what is going on. It establishes a paper trail that will protect you later and helps you with proof and credibility. Even phone calls and e-mail enquiries can help so much. THE MORE PEOPLE KNOW what is going on, the more help and resources you will have.
Above all, DO NOT BE ASHAMED. The abuse is NOT YOUR FAULT. The shame and the blame belong to the abuser.

Stay strong mama!
I will be praying for you and sending you strength.

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xredshoesx

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Re: No Where Else to Turn
« Reply #3 on: June 27, 2020, 09:30:47 PM »
It takes a lot of courage to seek out help, especially when you are in the middle of an abusive situation.  How we are best equipped to support you here as an online community is to come alongside of you, offer you suggestions, tools, and coping from our own experiences, but ultimately you are in a very dangerous situation that is best addressed - in terms of specific, targeted advice - by in real life social services such as your local domestic violence experts, your medical community, and your first responders who can point you toward your local resources.

Developing a group of people around you in real life who are aware of what you are going through and the potential danger you face at times, is vital for your safety and survival.

We only see a glimpse of what you are experiencing and we could inadvertently offer you advice that would further endanger you. We want to be very careful not to do that and to do right by you as you share here.

I want to direct you to our emergency resources: http://outofthefog.website/emergency/ and also found in the drop down menu at Resources tab above.

Also, a link you to a great resource where you can talk to a highly trained, in real life, person who can carefully guide you forward.

http://www.thehotline.org

International resources and help can be found here:
http://outofthefog.website/emergency/

As you visit here - be diligent to protect your anonymity and clear your browser history. As others have suggested in past threads - for your peace of mind and potential safety consider having an exit strategy and keeping a bug out bag with cash, copies of keys and important documents, whatever else you would need to survive if you need to run for safety - stashed somewhere you can quickly get to.

Tips for deescalating can be found by following this link - the article is written for parents coping with adolescent violence in the home in mind, but has excellent suggestions for ways to reduce the threat to you in the heat of the moment and avoid physical confrontation, that can be universally applied to all relationships.

http://oohctoolbox.org.au/violence-and-aggression

Most importantly, when faced with the threat of physical violence please get yourself and any children in the home to safety and call your local emergency responders and get the intervention and help you need to stay safe!

We are here for you in the way that an online support group can be, and hope you will consider surrounding yourself with help in real life as well. Please consider doing whatever it takes to keep yourself safe as your number one priority!