Look like estranged PDm

[Sidney37]

I have always looked liked enD - similar hair and skin color, similar build, etc.   I've hit the middle age weight gain and wrinkles and all of a sudden my face and body look like PDm!!  I hate it, I'm eating better and working out but it's not really changing anything.   I'm at the point that I'm glad I'm in quarantine so I don't have to look in the mirror to put on makeup, dry my hair and to make sure my clothes are on straight because all I see is my mother.   Short of seeing a plastic surgeon  , how do I accept this?

[Maxtrem]

I once read an article written by a pryschiatrist who said that many daughters of narc. mothers had plastic surgery in order not to look like their mothers. You're not the only one going through this, maybe talk to a psychologist who understands the impact of narc parents.

[Seven]

Out of the 7 of us, only two sisters take after my dad with blue eyes and full heads of hair.  One brother has dads nose, and may tend to lean a *little* more to dad than center, but still noticeable Italian in him; otherwise, the rest of us are our mother's children.  People know NOT to tell me I look like my mother.  They get the evil eye.

Just curious if you feel enmeshed with your mother and that's why you can't shake this feeling.  I have realized that doing things for me and not to get a positive word from my mother (ie, "I'm proud of you"-which by the way never happens) has been tremendous in helping me Out of the FOG.  In the last 2.5 years I've lost 120 pounds all with diet and exercise.  I am smaller than I have ever been in my teen and adult life.  I am VLC with my mother because honestly I just don't want to hear her mouth, or any syrupy fake praise, or any rude comments (ie, "don't get too skinny"...jealous much?) so I avoid her.  After being the heaviest person in my family at a whopping 305 lbs, I am now down to around 155 and am definitely the smallest person in my family.  And honestly at age 46-48 for the first time in my life I know who I am, after trying to be everything for everybody, which just didn't work.  I am the happiest I have been in my entire life because I'm not trying to please her.  I look the way I look, stretch marks and all, and have embraced it. I may have surgery in a few years as long as I maintain to get rid excess skin, but it's certainly NOT to look like my mother.

It took this website to understand the reasonings behind "I have no idea who I am". I took my life into my own hands and stopped listening to my mothers crappy advice.   I know who I am now.  I'm unstoppable.  If you don't know who you are, work on that and I have a feeling the freaking out about looking like your mother will go away.

[Fuzzydog]

I seem to be okay when I look in a mirror, but I hate hate hate pictures of me because I look just like my mother did at my age. I am 66 and almost irrational about not seeing pictures of myself. I just figure I'm going to be weird about it, and I avoid all that. I let people think that it's because I am ashamed that I am no longer young and thin and pretty.  To the rest of the world, I guess vanity like that is normal.

Good luck with this, Sydney37, I hope you can resolve your dilemma. I just try to ignore mine. Not a solution, but it's kind of working so far.

[lotusblume]

Out of the 7 of us, only two sisters take after my dad with blue eyes and full heads of hair.  One brother has dads nose, and may tend to lean a *little* more to dad than center, but still noticeable Italian in him; otherwise, the rest of us are our mother's children.  People know NOT to tell me I look like my mother.  They get the evil eye.

Just curious if you feel enmeshed with your mother and that's why you can't shake this feeling.  I have realized that doing things for me and not to get a positive word from my mother (ie, "I'm proud of you"-which by the way never happens) has been tremendous in helping me Out of the FOG.  In the last 2.5 years I've lost 120 pounds all with diet and exercise.  I am smaller than I have ever been in my teen and adult life.  I am VLC with my mother because honestly I just don't want to hear her mouth, or any syrupy fake praise, or any rude comments (ie, "don't get too skinny"...jealous much?) so I avoid her.  After being the heaviest person in my family at a whopping 305 lbs, I am now down to around 155 and am definitely the smallest person in my family.  And honestly at age 46-48 for the first time in my life I know who I am, after trying to be everything for everybody, which just didn't work.  I am the happiest I have been in my entire life because I'm not trying to please her.  I look the way I look, stretch marks and all, and have embraced it. I may have surgery in a few years as long as I maintain to get rid excess skin, but it's certainly NOT to look like my mother.

It took this website to understand the reasonings behind "I have no idea who I am". I took my life into my own hands and stopped listening to my mothers crappy advice.   I know who I am now.  I'm unstoppable.  If you don't know who you are, work on that and I have a feeling the freaking out about looking like your mother will go away.

This is awesome! Good for you!!

I also notice that I would feel resentful for any resemblances to my mother when I was very enmeshed... everyone used to say we were twins. My whole identity was wrapped into hers. Apparently all of my traits, physical and other, belonged to my mother, and I was defined as being an extension of her.

Sydney, I hope you can find a way out of that. For me, it helped to seriously work on who I was, figure it all out, away from my mother. I have not resolved it all, far from it. The enmeshment and engulfment are so entrenched in my psyche that I have difficulties being VLC with her, and NC fills me up with so much toxic shame.... agh! Anyways, I think it's part of the enmeshment.

[GettingOOTF]

I looked in the mirror one day and it was like all of a sudden every single bad thing that had happened to me showed up on my face. I looked old and miserable, nothing like how I felt inside. I found a doctor and made some changes. If it bothers you there’s nothing wrong with making changes. Plenty of people do it who you’d least expect.

I do not like it when I gain weight. To each their own, but it’s not for me. Last year I noticed that my body looked older, it has changed, my hips are wider and it’s noticeably harder to see results from diet and exercise. I guess this is middle age stuff, and I’m firmly in the middle aged category.

For me I had to accept that my body doesn’t do things the same way any more. I had to take an honest look at my habits and make changes that I’d rather not have made. I’m seeing great results, but it’s hard and slow.

I guess what I’m saying is that we don’t have to accept these changes. I know I will never look like I’m 22 but I don’t want to look miserable and unhappy. I will never be on the cover of a fitness magazine, but I can comfortably sit in the “in shape” range with some work. This is what I think of as aging gracefully.

I know that for me I tend to gain weight when I’m unhappy. I drink too much, eat junk and stop moving. Being active does not come naturally to me. The biggest change for me working out was when I finally internalized that I will never feel like doing it, that I will never enjoy the process. I used to compare myself to all those people who say they love working out, all those women who smile and do it so effortlessly. That’s not how it is for me. It’s hard, I’m not very coordinated and I looks silly. I had to stop waiting until I felt like doing it and just do it.

I have had major issues with my appearance my entire life. My mother used to get drunk and point out all the things that make me ugly. The really messed up part is that I am the spitting image of my mother. These were never my burdens to carry, they were hers and she put them on me. She hated herself so she made me hate myself too.

It’s taken a long time but while I know I look like her I no longer see her in the mirror. I see myself.

I think we accept things by taking control of them.

You are not your mother, you are your very own self.

[Morocha2015]

I can totally identify with that. I straighten my hair constantly because when it's natural it looks like my M. Over time I've realized that although I favor her in some ways, I carry myself so differently. She dresses in really flamboyant ways to get attention, whereas I find things that are flattering and appropriate. People always say M was beautiful when she was young, so I try to focus on the positives when I think of how much I look like her.

I knew someone who was so obsessed with not becoming her mother that she'd go out of her way to be different. It was to the point where she never bought anything pink because her mother liked pink. In this way, she was still being controlled by her mother. That really stuck with me. When I'm obsessing over not being her, I'm allowing her toxicity to continue to reign in my life. Shake it off, and just be you. Because there really is only one you.

[Sidney37]

Thanks everyone.  No, I'm no longer enmeshed with my PDm.  I found my way here 5 years ago after she walked out on us when DH was in the hospital.  We didn't speak for months and I should have gone NC then.  I used gray rock and MC (not very well) for years.  Last year I read Boundaries and set them with her.  She was furious.  The insults, threats of suicide and smear campaign started.  We have been NC for nearly a year. 

I know I need to shake it off or try to ignore it.  DH doesn't think I look like PDM, but I see it in my face and body every time I look in the mirror.  Due to an injury, losing weight hasn't been easy.  I guess I'll keep working at it.